Sands of Time

I’m a package deal.

I come with baggage and ghosts, family and friends.

Good. bad or otherwise, these are relationships that don’t get turned off and on at will for convenience.

When I give my heart, I do it fully. Purposefully. No one can replace another. Or so easily be erased from the fabric of my life….

And knowing them-all of them, having great affection or love in my heart for them, takes nothing from anyone else.

just because I accept something doesn’t mean i have any peace about it.  it only means i’ve acknowledged it’s outside my sphere of influence…..

bdsm….

It’s been almost 3 years since I ventured into my local community.

Learned a lot.  Had a bunch of fantastic experiences. Learned a lot.  Met a bunch of cool folks, and even made good friends along the way.

BUT, I’m done. Done. My fet profile has been mostly off for many months now and I officially deleted it last week.  I am out of the “community”.  I’m not playing as a “bottom” or anything else publicly or privately.  I’m requesting friends and roommates call me by my given name.

It’s a crazy maker for me.  This community is nasty, backstabbing, gossipy, and becoming more and more divisive and drama filled.I see a lot of fucked up, harmful relationships with people who act like they are still in HS.
I’m fucking with my brain chemicals with the subspace yoyo, and it ain’t pretty.
And when it comes right down to it….for most, but not all of the folks I know, bdsm is the ONLY common denominator.  Those few I mesh with best, including my roommates, have much more in common.  You know, they’re people I would do things with or have a conversation with completely outside of bdsm.

acceptance doesn’t mean I condone how this was handled.

understanding doesn’t take away the hurt in my heart,

I am the last person you ever had to lie to, or manipulate….

As I peel back the layers I find microscopic truths. My truths…

Intent: Just because I didn’t intend to cause hurt, doesn’t discount anyone else’s perception of their hurt.

Sorry to burst all those Zen bubbles out there….It’s all good theory until we deal with humans and those complex and conflicting emotions.

Good intent doesn’t cut it if we refuse to entertain the consequences of our actions in advance on one hand, but proceed to excuse bad behavior with our “good intent” on the other.

I call bs and a convenient cop-out on this one.

Has it been that long?  Has it really been 6 months since I last opened this door, and walked back into the safety of my space?  Guess I gotta stop back more often…..Feels like home.  *grins*

Well of course hindsight is 20/20.  If foresight was 20/20 instead of our presumptions (or assumptions) we wouldn’t have any lessons to learn now would we? Shees…..No shit, Sherlock….

Wow, what a year.

Here is the thing I came to realize the other day…To see as clear as day. Finally……

He said he wanted us to all get along. To give each other a chance. To really develop friendships. We each used that as a convenient excuse to try to get what we wanted. Worthy of his love and attention.

The simple fact is that even tho each of us had wildly differing reasons for wanting to live together we both had our own fucked up agendas here.

She can say what she likes about wanting to always move down here and how it wasn’t to be with him.  But….

Hers to oust his other friends, fwb’s, fb’s and his second by being more available and closer to him thereby getting more attention and proving she was the one and only one he needed. That didn’t work so well when she discovered that all of these woman were now up close and personal instead of 75 miles away.  She didn’t have to actually interact with them before she moved.

I can say what I like as well about how this would save us money, grow a friendship, have companionship and learn how to serve others. But….

It was to prove a point about how wrong he was about me being jealous of his primary (he was wrong-I’m not jealous), prove I was indeed a good poly partner, and through his primary have a better means of retaining our already tenuous relationship.

For both of us…..well if we lived together and had the biggest, nicest house where everyone was welcome with open arms, wouldn’t that be ever so serving and gracious?  Wouldn’t we both prove how worthy we were to him?  That we could indeed walk the walk?

ugh…….I am disgusted with myself for this charade….

So just how did that work out well for each of us?

Well, moving tomorrow. It’s definitely been a long ride here. Rather than beat the hell out of a nearly dead horse….

Just know that I am feeling mighty blessed, and very humbled to have such good friends who have, this week, taken care of me in every way. ME. Honestly, some of them I don’t even know all that well.  As a matter of fact, I didn’t really know I had so many who would put together my move when shit hit the fan last week. They planned my move, gathered strong backs, came to help organize and pack, and pack (love those Army wives-they have this DOWN), and bought me lunches this week.

Starting tomorrow I will be living with a wonderful female Dominant friend and play partner, and her wife for HALF of what I am paying here. And laundry. Did I mention I will be doing all the laundry?  LOL.  It’s something she normally pays me to do a few times a month, so that works. It’s more than fair. I don’t have to start paying until August 1 and will have only minor food expenses because they just bought a freezer full of meat. 

it’s a big house (3000+ sq ft.) with a well equipped play space in the basement. GAS stove with built in grill, 2 ovens. OMG I am in heaven.  Neither cook well or even like to so….YIPPEE!!  I have free reign in the kitchen and I won’t mind it a bit.

I’ve been given a really large and sunny bedroom with huge closet, and jack and jill bath. AND an adjoining common room complete with wet bar, wine fridge, glass fronted shelves for my china, and a wall of built in bookcases. HUGE WINDOWS.  I can put my loveseat and recliner in there instead of storage.  I will have room in my bedroom for my antique dining room  table (sans leaves) for computer and sewing.machine.  Half of my stuff goes in storage including my china cabinet. I really don’t mind either. honestly I am tired of looking at it.

I am excited to be somewhere with all women and a predominantly female membered “house”.

HA!  And they are all introverts who LIKE and VALUE “alone time”. 

and mop up operations are underway. Yes there are still plenty hot spots and fire burning in the interior. However barring any really extreme weather that would blow this back up, containment line around the perimeter probably won’t be breached. They expect 100% containment by tomorrow afternoon.

The weather over the past few days has been cooler and we are apparently back into our afternoon thunderstorm storm track with liberal amounts of rain falling over the region for the past two days. Believe it or not 0.3 tenths of an inch of precip is a lot in our high altitude desert environ. Enough but not enough to trigger floods in the Waldo Canyon burn area. That will be a concern for the next 10-15 years.

Some are being allowed back into the area where it’s safe to do so.

They-firefighters, LE, and community volunteers-have done a remarkable job in short order.

on all of this.

As of right now, for every 1 house destroyed, 7 houses were saved due to the outstanding work of all those involved in trying to manage this beast….

There are over 800 Firefighters working this fire in addition to over 200 LE support on the ground. 350 more Firefighters were added this morning.

Countless volunteers are cooking and delivering meals to Firefighters and for those who are displaced, as well as those who are making or organizing donations of water, supplies, clothing, household items, and feed for animals large and small.

Almost all Voluntary evacuations have been lifted.

Smoke advisories for the surrounding area have been lifted.

30% containment as of last night. It doesn’t sound like much but going from 5% to 30% in less than 24 hours is HUGE. With the cooler weather yesterday, some much needed rain, and cooler temps  last night, I suspect containment percentages will be higher today. And it is- now at 45% containment.

Lessons learned from the Waldo Canyon fire last year paid off. Type 1 Incident Command (the highest level of experience and certification of all Incident Management Teams) was activated immediately with boots on the ground in <36 hours (remember these folks have to pack, ready equipment and DRIVE to their assignments).  Locally based DoD (AF, AF Academy, and Fort Carson) Firefighters were dispatched immediately. Heavy air tankers (C 130 Hercules curtsey of the 302nd Airlift Wing) outfitted with MAFFS systems on site and flying the next morning, and Chinook Helicopters with Bambi buckets were flying missions in <2 hours, with a VLAT (Very Large Air Tanker) DC10 on scene in <36 hours as well.

The 3 other fires burning in various parts of the state are also between 30 – 40% contained as well.

YAY!

’nuff said

it’s no wonder we are simultaneously horrified and fascinated at the destructive power of fire.

http://standeyo.com/NEWS/13_Pics_of_Day/130613.pic.of.day.html

Nice vid of Firefighters protecting a structure in Black Forest

http://vimeo.com/68342641