Newtons 3rd Law of Motion:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Perhaps one should consider not just the re-action when assessing damage, guilt, crime and punishment, but the initial action as well.
Isn’t it a pity we so rarely stop to think that the knife we buried in our friends back or the hurtful words spoken in anger would produce an equal and opposite re-action……
Because after all, we always hurt the ones we love the most. Isn’t that what unconditional Love is all about; unconditional forgiveness?
Sands of Time 
I don’t believe in unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness, except with my child. I don’t put conditions on love, but if someone has hurt you or you have hurt them, especially if this is someone you care about, then yes, the balance is upset and wrongs will be righted one way or another.
Does that person feel remorse? Genuine remorse? Was that person in anyway misled to make them act out the way they did? Have you lashed out at them already, and yet still they forgave you? Forgiveness is not just for the other person, it is for ourselves too.
I don’t know the story or where you and this person are at with it, but at a certain point you will have to decided if you would rather hold on to the anger or the friend. It comes down to how much do you love this person and are you ready to let it be a part of the past?
Have you spoken with this person about your feelings? Those are just my thoughts. I am not trying to be a buttinsky.
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Your comments are more than welcome and your questions are good ones.
I find anger always a secondary emotion. We most often act out in a “negative” way based on our perceived fears. It doesn’t mean the outcome is always negative. But it can be. Just a matter of perspective. I am trying hard to find good here. And failing miserably at it.
I think we tend to always blame the re-action in this way: If I say something hurtful and you react with equal hurt back, I blame your reaction instead of looking at my action. Intent suddenly matters less?. Intent may cease to matter if we are continually not mindful of how we act. What will we set in motion with the words that burn down the house?
I do believe in unconditional Love and unconditional Forgiveness. With everyone. It doesn’t mean tho I accept continued bad behavior. Sometimes people need to hear they are acting like an ass or have acted/spoken in a hurtful way. *soft smiles* It doesn’t mean I Love them less…..
Yes, two are at fault. The person who started the reaction and the person who reacted. Make no mistake, I am not letting myself off the hook for my action/reaction. Each one of us are responsible. But I don’t think we as humans can always escape some of the physical laws we live with and they apply not only to physical bodies, but our emotional ones as well.
And no, he appears to not listen. Do I believe he has remorse? Yes. And that he doesn’t know how to begin repairing the damage.
I agree that forgiveness is for ourselves as well. And in this case I don’t believe either has forgiven themselves. I know I haven’t. Because I understand his struggles between being A Dominant, A Man and A Friend as much as my own struggles with being submissive, A Woman and A Friend….They don’t always mesh as easily as we would like.
It would be far too easy to forgive myself, wash my hands and walk away with a flip remark of how this is more his loss, than mine. we have both lost something precious here. At least that’s my heart and my perspective.
There is still much work to be done. One can only do so much of the repair…
Thank you for reading about my world and leaving a part of yourself here. You are always welcome here.
Peace.
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I wish you both the best. I hope you do feel true forgiveness, not for him, but for yourself. I fight with internal anger so much and I know how it wears on a person.
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My internal (directed at myself) anger is almost always greater than the anger I feel at someone else….
((hugs))
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I do that to myself as well. It is like pouring poison all over your heart. Why do I do this to myself?
I have very deep rooted problems with my mother, and honestly, she does not deserve my forgiveness. A very smart person told me, “Next time you see her, forgiver her, hug her, tell her you forgive her.” He told me these things because of the pain and anger he sees me holding onto and he cares enough about me to lend me guidance on how to free myself of these terrible walls I have built around my heart because of anger I have held on to for a lifetime over her. It’s hard to forgive someone who has hurt you. I know. I have a hard time forgiving others and can hold on to a grudge for years. This is not good for the soul. One of my life lessons in this lifetime is to learn the power of forgiveness, learn how to love even when I don’t feel it. I have found the best way to feel forgiveness for someone is to pray. I have done this in the past with more than one person and it works. Pray to God to take away your anger and replace it with true forgiveness. It is liberating for you and for them. They are a witness to your personal strength and character. You are always still free to walk away from the friendship if that is what you think is best for you and this person, but walk away with real love (to the degree you can offer love to this person) in your heart. Wish them the best and feel that.
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I have a close friend whose father disappeared one day when he was a child. Left the family without a word and his wife with 7 small children to care for. It took him about 35 years to forgive his father. He told me it didn’t matter if his father ever knew of his forgiveness or not. It wasn’t about his father. It was for the hurt little boy wanting to live in peace without all that hurt….
Holding this hurt so close to my heart is certainly harmful. Yes it is akin to pouring poison on my heart.
The dilemma for me right now is this: without it I feel unprotected. Vulnerable. I cannot allow that no matter where the “fault” lays. And thinking that if I do “forgive unconditionally”, I have once again taken more blame, more fault in this…..even as I forgive myself for what I see as my part in all of this. if I forgive and he comes here. Will I be hurt again? Will I allow that by being forgiving? Kind? Loving?
As a general rule, I don’t part enemies with those who I have shared intimacies (emotional/intellectual/physical/spiritual). In fact I pride myself in being able to meet ex lovers/husbands, former close friends on the street and feel genuinely glad to see them. Warmth and love in my heart for who they were to me and what they shared. I could call any one of my ex-husbands in an emergency. And if they were in a position to help, I know they would. That warms my heart.
But this? I need closure that is kind and loving. I was “thrown out” of his life, by text, after 6 years of a relationship he claims I manufactured in my head. Because I called him on his bad behavior. Not sure why I am even telling you except it gives me clarity as well.
He is my closest friends Dominant/Lover of three years, and she and I are housemates. he was my closest friend/.lover/mentor/housemate off and on over the years. I feel as if I cannot escape him, his influence, his ideas, his cruelty, his indifference to me. Not getting the closure and having to deal with him on another level continues to fuel that hurt. Once again, I want to run as far as I can to get the closure I need….
My we both find forgiveness within ourselves, for ourselves, and for being nothing more than as human and flawed as everyone else…
((hugs))
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