I process through Muse more often than not. He rarely pulls punches and rarely sugar coats. It’s something we always do for each other. There is no judgment.
So…..in typical Rosa fashion, I sent him my two posts.
Here is what I got back:

You already knew this. You just forget about it in day to day life. You are used to feeling the way you have about her for so long. It is manageable. Familiar. Controllable. But it will never leave you. Not until you remember that it had nothing to do with you, you were just in close proximity, and your young mind trusted her judgement. so you got the brunt of her insecurities. You have to remember this ever day. And when you talk to her, remember it. Because when you don’t, you get angry with her. You are offended by her.

You don’t like your mother. You love her, I am sure. But you don’t like her at all. I understand how that works. been there, done that. And the reason you dont like her is because one day, you determined that she was wrong about something, and what little respect you had for her, because she was mom, afterall, was misplaced. And you hate the fact that she lied to her little girl, and mistreated you, because she couldnt love herself. Because she was “Not Good Enough”.

Here is the simple answer to this problem. Forgive your mother. And the hard part of doing that, is forgiving your mother. It is essential that you do it though.

Your ghosts exist in your life because you have not told them to leave. You have not done the work. You cling to the venom, to the hatred, to the pain. because you know it, and you understand it, and you know what to expect from it. It is familiar.

Hanging on to those ghosts keep you exactly where they live… in the past.

Listen to your mother. She will tell you what is on her mind. She will verify what you just said, that it is her own insecurities. She will say it with a sharp tongue. She will say it with a defensive tone. She will make it your fault. And all of these indicators point to one person at fault…herself. Will she ever get past any of this? You know, “get over it”? Probably not. She will always try to make you feel that it was always about you. But you get to disagree with her now, and you dont have to accept it, because Mom is not the authority anymore, and her thoughts and opinions are not the end all be all that they used to be when you were young and had to trust her opinions, because after all, our parents are infallible, aren’t they?

Have I mentioned how very much I Love this Man for his insight and support?

For trusting me with his words.

The other ghosts are no different.  They too are scars of the PAST.

I told him I needed to let them all go.  To be happy and healthy. Whole.

It’s a big part of the Surrender I’ve been seeking….

We haven’t really talked about any of it.  I was in bed when he got home last night.

But he asked me this morning how I was doing.
Good, Muse. It’s all good. *smile* And it is.