so I guess I won’t………….

Long journey, car late out of Hawaii, overdosed my self on alcohol (which I rarely do but did anyway stupid girl), drove the Pacific Coast Highway for a few hundred miles, stayed in a darling little town along the coast longer than I should but because I wanted to, entered the Twilght Zone outside of Las Vegas New Mexico where the car blew up and had to be trailered back to Colorado on the back of a 14′ U-Haul.  Became quite hysterical at the entire fucked up situation complete with gulping sobs and hiccups….unlike me as well.  Got into Colorado yesterday at the ass crack of dawn, had the local Sheriff insist on me moving the truck and my trailered car and as I did stuck the thing good in soft dirt and jackknifed the trailer.  The towing company was very nice.  Since I’ve done business with the owner in a previous life, he gave me a huge break on the cost of a full hours work. Whew. I still have to figure out what is wrong with the car.

Soooo…where am I? At a close friends. We talked at length last night.  His plan for me was far different than what I had laid out for myself.  I envisioned him kicking me out the door in 2 months or as soon as I found a job based on previous and adamant conversations on how he doesn’t want a roommate.

Ok, so that is where I set myself.  He wants to work on us living together so we are both comfortable but imagined I would stay AT LEAST 6 months.  WTF?  Since we never really set any time frame there were no bounds  to overstep.  Not really.  A lack of information leaves us usually making assumptions…filling in the parts we don’t know with what we want to happen. Yep,  we both invented stories with outcomes based on no information.  We are going to reevaluate in 2 months because neither of us have spent enough time together in two years to judge where potential issues might arise given our very different personalities. Fair enough.

What’s disturbing…or at least it was still disturbing this morning is what he neglected to tell me.  That he is back, and has been for the past month, with an ex-girlfriend.  Which explains he sudden lack of talk or phone calls the past few weeks.  Unlike him to be….ummm…not forthcoming or testy when I’ve asked even the most innocent questions.  It’s been a question in the back of my mind…but I figured it wasn’t appropriate to bring up over the phone.  It would wait.

He admitted to not telling me because he was afraid I would have changed my plans.  He is right.  I would have made other arrangements.  Their problems have been largely related to extremem jealously and trust.  Mostly over her snooping and lying.  ick.

By his own admission he is disappointed that he is back with her.  It’s a wrong relationship but there is a lot of history between them.  He also admitted to not  wanting me to be disappointed in him either.  What the fuck does that have anything to do with it?  This on and off again thing has been going on for over three years and he is convinced I am sick of hearing about it. I am but remain supportive and do understand we all need to have support, vent, center ourselves with others despite our agreement, or not.  It’s called friendship.

I guess what I am disturbed by is the fact I was conveniently cut out of the loop on making a decision for me. Shit. I wasn’t angry…just stunned.  Disturbed.  I immediately questioned my trust in this man.  Not good.  I ultimately trust this man with my life.

Even so….I think….

Is this a deliberate test for her?  For me as well?  On us getting along in the same house together?  On expectations?  He is clear we can sleep in the same bed.  But it’s also clear….he hasn’t made a sexual more towards me either. He hasn’t said no to my insistence that I am going to roll him over and fuck him senseless….only that we need to go to bed earlier if that is going to happen.  I am so not good between reading between the lines.

Fuck.  I don’t need any more tests right now.  I am jobless and now car-less.   Why does he want me here so bad as to abandon what he has always spoken to….never ever living with anyone again?

I felt myself closing down and becoming distant immediately last night.  Shit, he noticed right away and called me on it.  I need a way to be more open…if not it’s something I know will ultimately hurt our friendship.

Acceptance comes hard today.  I don’t understand anything.  Him or this decision for the both of us least of all.
Chop wood, carry water….I need an overflowing wood crib and river filling my bucket.