It’s been a difficult month.  With my roommate and cherished friend, long time I don’t know what to call it relationship that’s not a “relationship”…moving back to the mainland and once again being alone…well, depression is so insidious…slithering in…causing me to hide beneath layers and layers of no motivation, tears, semi-helplessness, and neediness.  Everything but sleeping is a strain.

The weather hasn’t helped.  It’s been mostly cloudy and rainy, with only a few short breaks of sunshine.  Barely enough to get to the beach and stretch out.   I don’t feel like driving to the other side of the island to get some sun.

My guest for the week.  *sighs*  I should know better.  Really.  What the hell was I thinking that this man would actually be so respectful as to take what I say seriously about not fucking?  About not wanting to fuck *anyone*.   Of course, his dick was hard so I was supposed to accommodate for no other reason than he wanted it.  That and he’s fantasied about me for the last 15 years. I was gracious but FIRM on my NO…made lots of jokes…kept it light.  But honestly…how fucking rude?  Gentleman?  I think not.  I am very used to sleeping unencumbered with men I like, men I love, where it’s all about comfort and skin time without a lot of pressure to perform…My mistake was thinking it applied to everyone because that’s the way * I * wanted it…

I felt a bit sad for my friend.  He was a pretty dynamic person with a great job and a great future.  Now?  He’s still retained his sense of humor but he’s ridiculously apologetic for everything, overly worried about what everyone else thinks, has an entry level job paying less then dirt, no ambition to do anything different, no application of his smarts to reality, clearly desperate in his self imposed celibacy, and has let his health go to shit.  It’s not a pretty picture.  I can’t even begin to think how that happens.  He gave up drinking, smoking, gambling and chasing women (not that I chasing women is such a bad thing mind you).   Such positive personal achievements.  But I see no “fight” and “feisty” left.  He admitted in not so many words that he has no future, nothing to offer.  So he doesn’t.  And that puzzles me.

He served as a mirror for me in a lot of ways.  Mostly on what I bring to the table in relationship.  I’ve been questioning my “worth” in that arena the past few months.  After all…I am single.  And sometimes I wonder why…am I too picky, am I grossly unrealistic, am I too harsh with others, do I not have enough to offer? Clothes, looks, hair, body, stuff, money, house, car…..WTF?  Why do I have so many close men friends who don’t want *me* as a partner?

Anyway…I looked at my friend and then looked at myself.  Partly in fear.  Partly as an answer to my constant questions and personal perception of  “worth”.  I realized more than a few things about myself.  Or rather…they came bubbling to the surface the past week.

Over  the past year but starting I think with the end of my last marriage three years ago, “self  worth” seems to have been predicated on what others think is “normal”, the ideal “desired state” in our society, and “for them”.   Marriage, partnership, home ownership, etc.  I’ve allowed that to manifest into more than a few insecurities and it’s resulted in some deep sadness thinking I will never again find a partner.  It’s also resulted in some behaviors I don’t particularly like in myself.  One of those has been a vague feeling that at times,  I try to be what others want.  I try too hard……

Because of this…and I suspect it’s true for many, I’ve replaced not wanting to become “attached” or rather, sucked into another eyes closed relationship with distractions by way of fucking.  Not that fucking is bad.  I’ve never believed it to be.  But, I crave deeper.  And these days I crave deeper than I thought possible.    I can’t seem to satisfy myself anymore with just the fucking.  Hell, I don’t even want it…Don’t get me wrong.   I am NOT “saving myself” for my true love.   I Love Sex.  But not without the passion that makes it all worth it.  Not lust. Lust is not enough.   It’s the depth of two souls meeting I crave.

I’m not perfect and have never claimed to be.  I do however, work pretty hard on being a better person.   More kind, more loving, more understanding.  Less reactionary, less swearing, lol.    That’s not wrong in itself, but trying too hard to be what others want, is.  And it is born out of my (false) insecurities over ever finding a partner.

Most importantly….Yeah, I bring lots to the “relationship” table.  Lots.

Some of the questions my Colorado Muse asked me that I had no previous answer to are:

What do you love doing?  Where is your passion in life?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

What is it you really want out of “relationship”?

How do you want to live your life?  List everything….

I think I’m ready to stop avoiding the answers because they clearly point to what I’m *not* doing right now.  It’s also why I also decided this week to not stay here in Hawaii.  I’ve done the internal work I needed to do the past 18 months.  It time to move along.