can’t be what you want
can’t be what I want
not now
probably never
I’m tired:
of guarded talk and
walking on eggshells
of being afraid to have a voice
and asking for what I want
or showing my affection
so there are no attachments.
That’s all too easy…all too neat a package….
we as humans are very messy.
That’s life.
when you decide *what* it is you want…let me know
Sands of Time 
Mmmm…In the past five years, I’ve started to learn that just cause I hold the poop, doesn’t mean I’ve got to hand it right over. Sometimes I just set it down in the zen garden right under their nose and let is stink a bit first. Let ’em stew in their shit a bit and when they are good and fed up and ready to listen, I lay it on ’em…minus all the irritation I felt about it in the mean time one can hope.
I think its hard no matter how its handled…and big and intimidating is a word used for me all the time too. That’s why B walked away I think…At least in part. He can’t handle the intimacy. Its too big and too intense.
I am starting to learn that some of that factoid has to do with I seem to have developed a liking for isolationists…
It leaves me with an isolationship. I don’t like those.
I am going to start focusing differently…on the Beloved in me and its reflection in others. Perhaps then, things will unfold differently for me. I will certainly be more happy inside of me because I’ll love me more than I do now and that will fill me up…and perhaps that will be appealing to the Beloved…someone who is just the opposite of an isolationist. Maybe then I’ll get a relationship. *winks*
That’s a concept I am only just learning. That I don’t have to pass the shit back. Patience is my life long lesson it seems…I have such a hard time doing it and NOT stewing in it all that time as well.
I know few that can handle the intimacy or the Bigness…The intensity of it all.
I will never forget looking up at my 6′ 9″, 250# + boss as he told me that my physical size meant nothing what-so-ever.
The intimacy…well…I honestly think my former husbands were scared of me. Now my best friends…most are men…have no fear of that bigness or the intensity. That makes me feel safe with them. And free. They don’t have to “handle” me. Ok occasionally they sit on me. But the intimacy built because of their lack of fear is pretty incredible.
Now that I think of it….I believe that my parents were also scared of me, and still are. Especially my mother. I know my intensity.
Shannee, I used to scare *me* so honestly, I’ve come a looong way in “moderating” myself. But lately….well….I need so much now it seems…
I have to learn to fill me again. I think you are right about the focus. I’m going to think on that as I purge the rest of this.
Thank you sweet woman for you words and insight. XOXO
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Yannoo…You are not one to be silent on the truth. That means that sometimes you end up being the poop carrier for things no one else wants to deal with. Its a yukky job but a very sacred one. Its a job of deep power.
I’m sure you do it well.
Its a job I’ve had alot in my life. I sure do recognize it.
No, I’m not and people find it…harsh most times. Part of me thinks that I can moderate a bit better and the other part knows it’s tough to “hear” at times…no matter how deep the friendship / relationship. We all have difficulty…I know I do in my “better living through denial” stages.
I’ve been told I’m “big” and “intimidating”. *sighs* I don’t mean to be…..
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((hugs)) Sweet lady…
this relationship stuff is so hard.
Just remember to breathe and know that no matter what the Universe and your friends truly love you…
And so do these men folk love you…even if they aren’t relating well to you just now.
I love your tunage today. ((hugs)) Hang in there sweet thing…
Even I am not relating to me well right now, Shannee. *sighs*
BUT, I had a sparky thought last night after some pretty long conversations about this…silly really….I am what they need right now…I AM what I need right now.
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