The past few days, I’ve become acutely aware of my internal dialog and re-action when dealing with major decision making. I’m allowing this move and my perception of “what could”, get in the way of feeling at ease with it all.
It’s a chronic pattern with me. One which almost never deviates.
I make a decision. I feel good about the decision. For a while.
And then a few days later, I invariably spend an inordinate amount of time questioning my sanity in the what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking-I must-be-nuts, syndrome. It’s not that I don’t trust my intuition. I do. It’s just that I more easily listen to that sudden, situational “gut feel” to tell me what’s up in any given situation. But apply that to my conscious decisions on a longer term scale…much, much harder. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I;ll talk myself out of anything. I don’t despite my best efforts to do so. I end up sticking to the original plan….variations of the theme notwithstanding. But…
Each and every time, doubts turn to fear as I question the “what ifs” and the “what could”. those words…”if”, “could”, and “might” play over and over in my head despite the fact that I know, I know everything plays out perfectly. The theory is simple. When I struggle instead of accept, I suffer.
I also know without a doubt we are given exactly what we need each and every time…each and every experience serves to teach and provide lessons for personal growth. Each and every lesson is an opportunity. We don’t always realize it at the time. We may never be fully cognizant. But it’s there all the same.
The “why” I get stuck is particularly important to me right now simply because I’m so acutely aware of my feelings surrounding this move. Maybe it shouldn’t be a concern. Perhaps it’s more important that I saw myself struggling and realized I shouldn’t. That there are endless opportunities for learning here. But all the same, wouldn’t it be so much easier to go from making the decision and handing it over….having a bit of faith in the process….without all the middle angst?
Sands of Time 
Do you give those fears and doubts voice in your head and heart while you make decisions or go from the soul sense of things and not worry about anything else at the outset?
((hugs)) Sending you warm thoughts.
I give them voice in my head and voice them aloud. I do because the process of acknowledging them is key to letting that angst go. I know I have to work hard at not letting them intensify because if I do….they cause a physical reaction. Those physical reactions get in the way…overshadow the heart feelings and my initial feel good about it all. I need more trust in the first gut feeling….it’s always from my heart. This is so very important right now. It’s an incredible opportunity to live something I believe…to do some real internal work. In all of it I know total acceptance from him in this. This, what I’m doing is “different”.
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