Sands of Time

If the script repeat over time and never deviates, is it possible it’s not a script?

It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it?

In this case, I think it’s genuine.

…..when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~

It’s more than enough to be quietly confident in your abilities; quietly knowing who you are is more than enough for yourself and others.

Those who feel the need to jump up and down and proclaim it from the rooftops are often the ones who are not what they wish themselves to be.

No problem.  I get it. To verbalize what you want and what you want to be, is sometimes a necessary first step.  It’s like trying on the clothes to see if they fit before buying the outfit to wear.

At some point the yelling and hand waving stops in lieu of just doing it.

Actions speak louder than words,

always….

Just be who you need to be; for yourself first.

The rest will follow….

If and when I am disrespected, I chose to not speak a word nor respond to the disrespectful person – matters not if blood related, friend or foe. I have no desire to associate with anyone who has issues or disrespects me as a person when I have done nothing to deserve such dismissive behavior and disrespect. Silence is golden and a powerful weapon if one understands how to effectively use it.

It’s relatively easy to say “I’m not jealous” towards someone we consider “lesser” than ourselves.  Or, when we consider them the lesser of two or three evils. Thank goodness it’s “her”, or “them” instead of another, right?  We create non-equality because if we consider someone inferior, we become automatically superior.  It’s better than outright “hate”.  And easier to manage.  No fuss, no drama, no messy emotions.

Much harder to BE “I’m not jealous” of those who we see in a favorable light.  Those who we respect, admire, and accept as equals.  Of those we know who are as great as ourselves and have as much to offer to our beloved in their own right.  They challenge us.  It’s hard to manage as it becomes filled with drama over our own very messy, and very human emotions.

At least when it comes to “our” beloved…..

“I’m not jealous!” is not the same as “compersion”.

Some quick thoughts this morning:

While I can understand emotional masochism as a form of “play” in the context of a “scene”; I cannot understand it as a constant 24/7 dynamic.

While it’s true that there are many who love and perhaps thrive on this form of “play”, it feels and looks like more of a convenient excuse for a form of abuse under the guise of bdsm.

Just my take on what I see and feel as I step back and look into the room instead of navigating the room.  It reminds me of the emotional abuse I suffered with my alcoholic ex.  Chronic white lies, and outright lies, deliberate omission of facts, what was said designed to make me question what I heard or didn’t hear on any one day or week or month.

His chaos and resulting chaotic energy sucked the life out of everyone around him.  Always a deliberately created imbalance……

Perhaps nothing more than a trigger.  A trigger I need to deal with instead of avoid?

I don’t want that here. I cannot do that anymore.

how many time does one hear the hurtful words of denial of a relationship over many years, how little they mean to another, how they are an embarrassment to them, how ugly they are to look at; before the heart can hold no more hurt?  How long? How many times?

I think this has nothing to do with standing on conviction and knowledge of how much you may love someone, or care for them. Rather I think this simply has to do with the knowledge that forgiveness is always possible, but the ugly, hurtful words can never, ever be taken back once they are spoken……

is that she doesn’t have thyroid cancer.

there is no bad news….

is brought to you by the letter “C”.

and I’ll write it any way I damn well please….

With my Anam Cara settling in Denver, we have been spending more and more time together.  Sometimes here at my house,  but most often at his.  Not too much time tho. Works out to be about 3-4 times a month, depending on schedules and commitments.  Sometimes it’s just overnight during the week. Sometimes two days over the weekend.  With his long work days and going the the Bay area once a month, for a week; well, we don’t get tons of time so we try to make every minute count.  As it should be. *grins*  It’s what I love most about this.  We are always present with each other when we are together.

We have been laughingly going back and forth with considering the “us” part of this. What are we anyway?  Lovers? We have been for a long time now-off and on for almost 7 years.   Best friends?  Yup.  A “couple”?  Only when we are together.  Boyfriend/girlfriend?  Not at all.

We’ve also had the poly/mono discussion plenty of times over the years.   Where we sit with it individually.  I asked him a few weeks ago if I were to give him monogamy; would he believe me?  His answer: “No. I already know you can’t and won’t. So I won’t ask because I don’t want any lies.”

He then phrased that same question to me about him.  And he got the exact same answer back.

So…..where does that leave us?  It leaves us together when we are together and not when we are not.  This weekend he told me he thought that when we are together we should be married and when we are not, we are not married.   *laughing*  I accepted.  It’s nothing different than we have been doing all these years anyway, and I told him so.   There is no one else when we are together. Never has been.  They don’t influence the “Us” time unless we agree to include a third.  And most of the time that doesn’t happen.

I have far fewer jealously issues overall than he does. I have met many of his intimates.  I have seen him kiss and hug his intimates. I have been in bed with his intimates.  I have been to dinner and parties where his intimates (past and current) were present.  *shrugs*  There is security and stability in our relationship.  So much so, I honestly think that is why there are no real huge jealously triggers present for me.

Yet, he has some jealously issues. Most of the time he doesn’t even want to discuss my sexual exploits in any way at all, except to know I take care to get my sexual and bdsm needs met when he isn’t around.  Anything I bring up to him is done lightly in that regard. He does not find talking about the fun I had with so-and-so nearly as HOT as I do when I hear what he’s been up to.

This weekend we spent time adding plants to his house and then went for sushi with his oldest daughter.   It was cute.  Really.  He delighted in telling her we were married.  And then called his middle girl in WA to tell her he got married this weekend.  Both of them, “WTF?”.  Then laughter when he told them it was with me.   His middle girl gets it.  She is bi, poly, non-judgmental and is the only one who can see into the cocoon we weave when we are together.   The older one is just coming into questioning what polyamory means.  How it fits or doesn’t fit for her.  How it fits so well with us.  We’ve had a lot of conversations with her about our particular brand of relationship over the past few months.

All in all, I get it.  He, like me, wants/needs intimacy and romance and tenderness and caring.  Love.  We all just want to be loved for who we are.  Of course I can do that with him.  We have always done that with each other.  Unconditional acceptance for the other. This weekend was about the verbal acknowledgement of what it is.  Something we very carefully never voiced in the past but always knew.  I can live with that change….

Needed to escape.  Too much chaos here for all of us.  So I loaded the car and drove to Texas to see my folks before they took off for Italy.  It was a great drive there and back. Two days each way because my style of driving is more like sightseeing. I tend to take every two lane back road I can. I geocache.  I stop at historical markers, junk stores and cemeteries.   I pull over and sleep when I’m tired, and drive when I’m not. As long as I have snacky food and coffee, I’m fine.  I like eating in out of the way diners filled with the locals junker cars and over the road truckers.

Over 1700 miles total. They asked me to stay and keep the house while they were away but it was too long for me.  I would still be there…..A week was enough.  A good visit.  I’ll go down again in the spring when more is blooming.

I didn’t go to Austin to see my brother tho.  Just wasn’t into it. Good thing because I later found out the day I thought about going the entire family was sick with some kind of flu bug. Didn’t come home by way of Santa Fe either. By the time I was done, I was done and didn’t want to spend a third day on the road. Next time I will go on the way and stay in Albuquerque.

Came home with the car packed.  How do I tell her I don’t want more stuff?  I cannot.  She is feeling her age and wants to make sure what she holds dear goes where she thinks it should,  Some of it; faded memories of people long gone from my life and hers will go to my children.  Other stuff is just stuff and I have no issues parting with it when I need to.

I did come home with something she promised me for a long time.  Her Scotland built, Irish style Castle Spinning wheel.  I learned to use it as a child. It’s a nice addition to the house.  Her table loom is mine as well next time around.  Guess I am going to take up spinning again in the near future.

As I sit and reflect over the events the past few days, I am challenging myself to let go of the hurt associated with Muse’s actions towards me and my subsequent actions towards him.

Yes, part of that anger/hurt stems from still wanting his approval. To be seen as worthy in his eyes. Defending myself.

I asked her why he is still angry with me.  She replied, because he still cares.  To me that indicates nothing different from where I sit….

Wow.  Fucked up, huh? Why the hell does it matter to either of us?  The heart does not easily succumb to cold, dumb and numb. You can’t turn off Love or Caring with the flip of a switch.

So today I will let the 2nd of The 4 Agreements settle in my soul.  And look at where I don’t own others behaviors. Like it or not….

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

We take things personally when we agree with what others have said.  If we didn’t agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally.  If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.

Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you!  Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream.

Our personal “Book of Law” and belief system makes us feel safe.  When people have beliefs that are different from our own, we get scared, defend ourselves, and impose our point of view on others.  If someone gets angry with us it is because our belief system is challenging their belief system and they get scared.  They need to defend their point of view.  Why become angry, create conflict, and expend energy arguing when you are aware of this?