Sands of Time

Bombs dropped in conversation to me but mentioned as conversation with another, are not ok.

I was talking to him this weekend and he said he knows I want to move back to Denver.  Blink

All my friends, the kids and my mother were trying to convince me to move back to Denver yesterday.  Blink

I’ll probably move back to Denver, but I don’t know what’s going on yet.  Blink

I was talking to my BFF and she said she knows I want my own place.  Blink

I told her that I probably couldn’t take that job right right now; I don’t know what I would do with the lease .  Blink

AND…….??????

And…..hints dropped puts the responsibility on me to now ask questions in lieu of actually talking TO me about this openly and honestly?

And…..it comes off as using me for your convenience for as long as you need.

And…..if I make a decision based on the “hints” all too willingly provided it turns into a potential blame situation later when it doesn’t mesh with what you want because you’ve never really said what you want?

Yah. I’m more than annoyed. As annoyed as if I did this to her.

So next time you slam him for doing the same to you….????

Oh yeah, it’s called mentioning it lightly.

Meaning, it’s now your responsibility to try to figure out what I really mean. and then blame me later when I don’t get it right.

It’s passive-aggressive and disingenuous.

Dreams continue to invade my normally sound sleep. Last night, the night before, and the night before that, too.  When it happens it’s always the same.  I wake in the wee hours of the morning trying to process the remaining images flooding my mind. Laying in the dark; ice cubes tumbling into the freezer tray,  branches creaking in the wind, the heater fan kicking on and off.

My room is warm despite having no curtains on the window.  From my bed I can see city lights along the base of the hills.  Fingers of light stretch high up the mountain.

And then, the inevitable; flicking on the small bed side lamp because no amount of adjusting pillows, changing position, or attempted meditation mind-space will give me sleep.

I’ve learned to not fight it so hard.

So I drink hot tea sweetened with honey and read, or write.

Soon the sun’s rays will lighten the hills to the west…

I should know better.  I don’t purposefully give out this blog address to many.

Sometimes what I write is incredibly verbose, self depreciating, mean; you name it. I don’t often take posts down.  I let my human nature show.  Sometimes what I write is out of context.  It contains only fragments of the whole.  Sometimes all the sordid details appear too. Whatever….

Every time…Every…Single…Time….giving this blog out to people I know in real time….well, it has eventually come back to bite me in the ass. May take days, or months and in some cases, years.  But it has, nonetheless.

At some point, someone eventually takes issue with what I write.  Some One person doesn’t understand “process” and tries to hold me accountable for their perception of what it is they don’t necessarily understand. And they don’t bother to ask. They assume. they get their panties in a wad; accuse and attack.

Oh, you must have something to hide!?!

Yep.  Me. It’s safe here,  and that is how I want it.  It can’t be safe for Me, if you choose to be an asshat.  My bad.  You think I would know better by now. Guess not; I always think people are above that sort of HS bullshit.

I don’t know if I will EVER share this place again. With anyone.

I don’t even know if I will even tell people I have a blog anymore.

Right now, I’m inclined to say, never again….

::sighs::

A bit of a rant this morning, and something I’ve been chewing on for some time now.

I hear it and see it all the time; someone is “a natural”, especially in the lifestyle.   Natural submissive, natural slave, natural Dominant,  a natural (fill in the blank). People use this to describe others and they use it to describe themselves.

STOP. Just STOP.

Is there anything “natural” being the humans we are?  Maybe we are natural redheads as compared to fake redheads.  Maybe we are naturally short. I am. Or tall. I’m not.  Am I a natural woman? Not a chance unless it’s a specific reference to my biological gender.

We are shaped by our experiences and we learn from the day we are born. Some of us have an affinity for learning x, y, or z; their brains can more easily wrap around concepts, learn incredibly quickly, and/or complete tasks more easy than others.  But that, in my opinion is all.

You see, none of us are a natural submissive, Dominant, slave or whatever. None of us came out of the womb dominating others.  None of us came out of the womb being submissive in a lifestyle sense and sure as shit,  none of us came out of the womb on our knees offering our service to others with a smile.   It’s nothing but a term indicating what you or someone else thinks comes easy. Or easier in comparison to others. Or what we are most comfortable doing as we learn about it and apply it in our lives.

Lets take this out of the lifestyle.  My “natural” ability with plants of all ilk is a hard won skill.  That means learning about what fuels my passion all the time.  It means practicing it with lots of failures too. I’ve been gardening since I was three.  I’ve been growing houseplants since I was 5. I’m a self taught botanist specializing in area native and not so native plants.  I’ve killed my fair share of plants of all kinds with my “skills”.  And will probably continue to do so.  It doesn’t mean I’m a natural anything.  It only means I think I have more knowledge and understanding than most of my peers. But I have to PRACTICE.

I honestly don’t know abut everyone else but I work damn hard whether that is in the lifestyle or out.  I bet you do to.

I found this on the web somewhere last week and shared it with my housemate.  She is on the extreme end of extrovert.  It’s interesting how we can accept each other but we don’t really understand the why of how we operate.  I don’t get being an extrovert any more that she gets being an introvert.  I mean, how can we?

An Introvert’s Lexicon
The following is meant to be a humorous look at the world from an Introvert’s point of view.

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are really princesses waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence something helpless that wants our love.

Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet, #8

I don’t do flat…..

No one should.

It speaks of sheep; cold, numb and dumb; lifeless, not worth it.

Why the hell would anyone do what is not “worth it”?

You take care of you, you hear? I miss you. I Love You, Dear.

::sighs::

Thinking of you today as yet another we know departs this world.

I’ve learned…well…better to just sit with it. Let the salt water tears wash over me. Time softens. Makes manageable. Some days I am glad for not having that raw grief in my heart. Other days, I never want to lose that feeling.
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this too shall pass

Pride, my friends, is the deadliest of fires.  While other flames burn the surface, pride burns from within.  It works its way from the heart until it consumes you.  And like any fire, it will eat its prey until it is smothered or quenched.

(A Fall of Water: Elemental Mysteries – Book 4, Elizabeth Hunter)

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at me or assume I have issues with headaches all the time; I take 2 (yes 2) aspirin daily because my doctor insists on it. It helps my very thick blood from sticking together and making a lumpy mess that increases my stroke factor.

All woman are not the same.

All woman do not want, need, think or act the same.

Not all woman are competitive simply because they are woman.

What we do is to act and react to the extreme pressures of our society and how we were raised. for instance, jealously as well as monogamy are the norm. Women seem to assess body language quicker and I believe, more accurately. I could go on but I think you get my general drift.  We were taught to be the way we are to function within the constraints of our particular society.  At least I was.  And on many levels it was not overtly so much as covertly.

There is no such thing as “born that way” with respect to all women wanting the same thing or acting the same way.

All woman are NOT the same.