Drink

Posted on Tuesday, 13 February, 2007 by Rosa

your hands
cradle
my heart
&
massage my
soul.
drink deep
from my well,
quench
your needs
&
desires.
i open myself
to your
caress.
a spark as
minds connect,
a flutter as
hearts touch,
a gasp as
flesh on flesh
joins in
frantic urgency.
drink deep
&
free me.

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Emancipation & Power

Posted on Friday, 2 February, 2007 by Rosa

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
From Redemption Song, Bob Marley

We spend an inordinate amount of time chasing our fears. Our fear drives us to both action and inaction. It’s the primary re-action for all we do. We create our fears every morning. We spend the rest of the day breathing them to life, eating them, living them, giving them larger than life proportions….wallowing in fear. We live our lives as if we want every one of our fears to materialize.

So I ask myself, why do I hesitate? What is my fear?
It would far too easy to say I fear rejection, fear change, fear failure, fear death, fear…insert your own fears here…
I look back on the past few weeks and realize my fear as nothing but excuses. The most frequent one I’ve used? I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. I know I’m leaving. Hate saying goodbye. Don’t want to get too emotionally involved. I can’t even count the number of times in the past few weeks I’ve said this to various people. Most of the conversations revolved around relationships. I’ve said it far too easily when asked about my hesitation for asking her out. I’ve said it again about my inability to totally surrender in sex.

Why?
Living without those excuses or that fear means taking 100% responsibility for each and every action. Not re-acting.

So what’s so scary about that?
Because if forces me to evaluate what I do want. And then when I do I can’t ignore it. I have to take responsibility for it. I own it. There is power in responsibility and in the owning.

So I think about my fear and say, Be gone, you have no power here…

But it begs the question…What it is that I want?
The potential for more.
Spiritually
Emotionally
Intellectually
Sexually
That potential is only found within oneself before it is found in the evolution with others.
The freedom from myself to manifest my desires, my joy, my bliss. Own it, breathe life into it, live it. Give it light and power.

Hmmmm….

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

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Dear Landlord

Posted on Sunday, 28 January, 2007 by Rosa

As you know, the weather here in Colorado has been nothing short of extreme for the last month. We’ve had snow every weekend and frigid temps every night. Although it’s been in the high 30’s during the day, what little snow that does melt ends up freezing solid each evening.

There are shortages of many items here from repeated runs every Friday in preparation for the newest storm. Bread and milk are becoming harder and harder to buy. I am rapidly running out of coffee and bottled water. People are hoarding cigarettes, beer, windshield washer fluid, and of all things, ice melt crystals.

I promised to care for the house, and I have. The hot tub is clear of snow and running fine despite the cold weather. I have a small path cleared to the tub on the back deck but the stairs remained very icy.

I have been chipping away at the ice for weeks, but then I thought of the propane torch you left on the bench in the garage. Perfect. A bit of heat should remedy the problem especially since wet wood doesn’t really burn all that well.

I must have let my attention drift some. You know the guy who lives directly behind the house up the hill? The one with the pretty, blonde wife (a real MILF). Wow…he’s so hot. What is his name again? Anyway, the small steps got a bit hotter than I wanted. Good thing the hot tub was open from treating it this week. You see, the hose was frozen solid, but I didn’t know that until I tried to turn it on and the pipes blew apart from the pressure. I threw the steps in the tub because I didn’t want the wood to really catch fire since it was only smoldering at that point. Don’t worry, a bit more chemical and the water in the tub should be clear again. I am glad you showed me where the main valve was located downstairs. There is only a few inches of water on the floor, and that should seep in eventually. In my frantic state to turn off the main valve, I set the torch down in the snow on the main deck. Glad that bucket was still sitting outside the door. The good news is that I didn’t have to call the fire department and there is no damage to the outside of the house. Know you wanted to replace the back deck since it was pretty old.

I know my term is up at the end of the month and I certainly hope this one small incident doesn’t influence your decision to renew my lease. I do love living here.
Please advise how to proceed.

Your tenant,
Rosa

P.S. You have been paying your homeowners insurance, right? Do you need pictures of the house for the insurance? I can send them with my new camera phone. I’ll be glad to help in any way I can with the claim.

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Just one Warm Day, please

Posted on Sunday, 28 January, 2007 by Rosa

to melt the rest of the snow and ice after a month of frigid weather.

If I walk into one more store, see bathing suits, sleeveless tops and capri pants without finding ice melt crystals….I’m gonna… Well I’m gonna take my shovel and pail outta the sandbox and just go home!

You’re telling me all the regional offices that control merchandise to stores are located in the fucking tropics? It’s still January folks. WINTER actually happens here in Colorado. I need Ice Melt crystals for cripes sakes, not bathing suits. *grabs propane torch and heads outside* Melt the ice indeed. *I’ll show them how to melt the fucking ice*

Have a Great Sunday.

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It's Easier to Believe

Posted on Friday, 26 January, 2007 by Rosa

Death sucks
Funerals suck
Closure is needed for the living
Her mission here completed,
She’s moved to the light as we all will

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Senseless

Posted on Sunday, 21 January, 2007 by Rosa

Aurora Colorado
A man and a woman are dead following a head-on crash on Interstate 225 early Saturday morning…

Aurora Police say the crash occurred just before 2 a.m. when 24-year-old Luis Javier Gomez driving a green Toyota Celica went the wrong way on the southbound lanes of I-225 just north of East 6th Avenue.

Police say he traveled at least 2 miles at 55 miles per hour in the wrong direction.

Authorities say Gomez collided head-on with a blue Jeep Cherokee driven by 22-year-old Lisa Swisher who was traveling southbound.

Both drivers, who were the only occupants in their cars, were pronounced dead at the scene.

Investigators say they suspect alcohol was a factor in the crash, but are awaiting toxicology reports for final confirmation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no confirmation because the city of Aurora does not have a coroner on duty during the weekend. Lias’s parents sit and wait until Monday morning to claim the body of their beloved daughter.

According to witnesses, Lisa was in the middle lane of I-225, with cars on either side of her. She had no where to go and so bore the brunt of this man’s carelessness with a on collision.

Lisa a very close friend of my oldest son and new daughter, Jen. She was one of Jen’s bridesmaids  She was still serving in the Marines when Jen’s brother was killed in Iraq last October. She was stationed overseas but was granted permission to participate in the funeral of a fallen comrade and personal friend.  To see her in uniform, taking her place with her brothers carrying Andrew’s casket was an incredible source of strength for all of us. No, I did not know Lisa intimately. I met her a few times over the years at parties with the kids. I do know this…she was an intelligent, vibrant woman who lived her life with courage and love. She will be missed…
My son and daughter in law fly in from Chicago tomorrow. It will busy week…

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Keeping it Simple

Posted on Monday, 15 January, 2007 by Rosa

Once again, I need to let it take shape without over-thinking. That’s the disconnect. The discomfort. Making it too hard.

So when I heard it this evening doing dishes…

Finding the world in the smallness of a grain of sand
And holding infinities in the palm of your hand.
[Send Your Love. Sting, Sacred Love]

I bent down to look at my tat. An Aum in an 8 petaled lotus…

“…to which every part and particle is equally related; the eternal ONE.”

Of course. So simple. I need to remember to always strive to BE in that space of connectedness.

Peace, Tranquility, Harmony, Joy, Love.

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Images in Time

Posted on Saturday, 13 January, 2007 by Rosa

Sometimes I have the oddest feelings of time immortal, if that’s how it can be described. I’m not sure it can be exactly. It’s not quite like the bliss of meditation. It’s not like that push I feel as if I’m moving though a seemingly different dimension. It’s not just remembering the event either. It’s that in and out body experience I still don’t quite understand. It’s happened before. Am I supposed to understand it? Or just accept? Have faith it will be presented to me at some point? I jotted the experience down that day…It is stuck in me.
~~~~~~~~~~
The image flashes before my eyes again and again. It’s been never ending over the past month. Click…whirr…click…whirr…the shutter closes and the film advances. Only it’s a single frame. I just don’t see it in my minds eye, I can feel it as if I was there…I am there.

The picture is of me walking on the beach a few short weeks ago…black bathing suit with a burnt orange and cream sarong low on my hips…hair is curled and thick from humidity…tanned legs damp with the ocean spray…my body is warmed by the sun. I am completely alone. To my right are my previous footprints from my trek up the beach with the rising sun. Eroded from the gentle lapping of waves, those are shallower and less defined. I am stopped on the beach staring down at my current footprints, crisp and clean in the sand. The sound of the surf echoes in the background as words flood my mind…Significant…insignificant…small in the vastness…permanence…impermanence…significantly insignificant…never ending…ending..insignificantly significant…a place and no place…coming…going….these too will fade…microcosm…macrocosm…duality…trinity…

There is no un-ease. There is no one particular emotion aside from a sense of both wonder and puzzlement.

What is it telling me? A mystery yet to unfold.

I remember that exact minute with clarity.
Stopped. Seeing. Feeling. Experiencing.
I am the observed and the observer.
It plays over and over…A frozen moment in time.
Waiting…

Note: this occurred on Waimanalo Beach…there is magic on that beach…it’s where I found and left my soul. And yes, you were there that day, G.

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Living & Other Fun

Posted on Tuesday, 5 December, 2006 by Rosa

From 5 December, 2006

There’s something to be said for meeting the Sun on the beach in the morning. Pure Energy. Peace. Renewal. Opening myself to whatever happens today and every day. Allowing myself to be.

I learned some things this morning. Most of them probably have a high “Doh” factor.

The really big holes in the sand are from really big crabs.

The smaller holes are from smaller crabs.

Fishing nets are really heavy.

Jellyfish have a very high icky factor.

Estuaries have fish, cool plants and lots of birds.

There’s a lot of plastic and junk on the beach but there’s a bunch of really cool stuff too.

The people here are really friendly.

I can walk on the beach with my top off and no one cares. As a matter of fact, no one really seems to notice.

The sand ranges from really fine to really coarse. The finer sand is along the shallower parts of the beach and estuaries. Really coarse sand is found at the rocky areas.

The rocky areas are the best place to find chunks of coral.

If I walk and concentrate on the sound of the ocean I can clear my mind very quickly and hear one clear voice, or nothing at all.

The anxiety I feel when dealing with my ex husband is born out of my expectations. I expect/hope for kindness but he always manages to put the blame on me or find an excuse for his behavior. When I don’t take it so personally and hand back his responsibility in a clear manner with no emotion, I am able to deal more effectively and without stress.

That some people act as a mirror and force me to see myself in a new light. Not “bad” or “good”. Just as it is. I need to STOP and LISTEN, for it is not said with malice but with kindness and Love. These are the people I cherish the most.

I’ve learned a few other things while I’ve been here as well.

You can drink significantly more and not get drunk like you do at 7000′. All without a hangover. Can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed drinking beer this much. :))

Eating fish here is truly orgasmic.

I have been offered a place to live….

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Continuining the Conversation

Posted on Sunday, 26 November, 2006 by Rosa

I’ve been reluctant to blog any of this. Why? Experiences and feelings so moving and so intensely personal, I wonder if there are words to describe it all.
It’s a feeling? A knowing? I’m not sure if this is the beginning or an end, or a little bit of both. A path on a continuum….

That as a particular point seems moot now.

What was it exactly? It was a perceptible shift. Like partially stepping through a different dimension where I could feel myself in one, but see myself in another.

I Know…it’s done
I Know…I will never be the same
I Am…starting over

I can push myself into a different state of perception. And it feels like I am somewhere else and here too.

Sometimes I have to actively think about doing it. Sometimes, it takes little effort-the barest thought. And sometimes it just happens. And as I notice, I am pushed back again. A barely perceptible shift.

I have a touchstone of sorts in my pocket. Specifically though, it’s in my left front pocket. My right pocket is reserved for what little cash I carry and my lighter. This touchstone fits comfortably in my hand cradled in pinky, ring finger and against my palm. More than a couple of times now I’ve noticed the stone in my right hand. How? How long has it been there? How did I not notice my left hand performing two seemingly discrete tasks? Plucking the stone out of my pocket (you all know it’s virtually impossible to use the one hand to get something out of an opposite pocket. It’s just not a comfortable action), and placing it in my right hand without taking note of the action. What set that off? As I notice, yet another barely perceptible shift.

A string of thoughts…not really seeking answers per se.

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The End of Responsibility

Posted on Thursday, 2 November, 2006 by Rosa

Well, two significant events in the next 10 days.

First, my youngest boy child finally turns 21 Saturday. WHOOHOO! This one has been a long time coming, lmao. I am really looking forward to having a “legal” drink or two with him soon. Don’t really expect he’ll come up for air till Monday or so, but what the heck. I don’t remember any of three days I lost to my 21st birthday either.

Second, my oldest boy child is marrying his dream red head next weekend. Another very BIG WHOOHOO! I am looking forward to having way too many drinks and spending lots of time with family and friends. This is not just a wedding by the way, it’s an event. Sure glad engineers make enough money to pay for 150+ guests themselves!

Can’t wait for all the festivities, and I have a killer dress for dancing the night away. So, bring it ON!

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Still Crazy After All These Years

Posted on Wednesday, 11 October, 2006 by Rosa

My angst and short tempter yesterday was finally relieved by the arrival of a grade school friend and her husband. They’re here for a quick 3 day visit before heading to the mountain town of Breckenridge.

It’s been 10 years since they were last here on vacation. And 15 years since I was back to NJ to visit her. We’re known each other since we were 11. It was an instant bond and Love at first sight between us. We were absolutely inseparable the next 11 years.

Can hardly believe we’ve stayed in touch 38 years.
38 years? Whew, where the hell does the time go? Shit, does that make me feel old or what? Not in the least.

I love being able to pick up like we were still in school together. We used to talk of boyfriends, hairdos, sneaking out of the house, and our pain in the ass parents. Now, talk has changed to the pain in the ass children, aging parents, gray hair covering dye, and the best online porn sights. All peppered with crude comments directed at spouses – hers.

Love the tears at seeing her again. I am one hell of a sentimental fool. Love hearing that Jersey accent again. Love remembering all the dumbass and crazy shit we pulled. Remember what? Remember who? We were drunk and stoned, remember? Love trying to figure out who was crazier – me or her. I say she is, she says me is. HA! Looks like figuring that one out will take a lot more wine. Love her smile. Love her infectious laugh. Love re-experiencing why we are such close friends.

Two bottles of wine down…many more to go. Good thing I don’t have to be at work much the next 2 days. Can’t stop smiling. It’s turning into a great week.

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Touch Starved

Posted on Sunday, 24 September, 2006 by Rosa

fingertips move slowly
downward
follows the contour
of my ears
traces the line
of my jaw
the small hollow
of my throat
across collarbone
circles the outer fullness
of my breasts
palms brush lightly
hesitate at
tender nipples

continues slowly
over ribs
across my belly
stops to feel
the warmth
of my female-ness
a sensual intention

hands that journey
inside thighs
calves
ankles
now travel upward
slowly caress
knees
hips
waist
come to rest
on breasts
now swollen with desire

I frequently catch myself unconsciously letting my hands meander slowly over my body. Learning it again and again. As a lover would. Touch starved….

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The Zen 2×4 and the Drunk Man

Posted on Saturday, 23 September, 2006 by Rosa

“Want some company, tonight?”, I asked hesitantly.

“Sure.” Funny, he didn’t sound surprised at my call even tho it had been only about a half an hour since were sitting at the bar with an icy beer. Am I that transparent? I hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary.

“Call me when you get to so-and-so street and I’ll talk you in from there. There are no street signs, no lamp posts. It’s dark.”

It was the evening of Dale’s funeral. I just could not bare to be alone. He knew.

Forty-five minutes later we’re sucking down beers on his front porch and talking about life, death, our children, his estranged wife in a foreign land, hopes, dreams, desires, who each of us really want to fuck in the office, and giggling like school children over the thought. The sky was spectacular. Clear, cold Colorado nights can’t be beat. His place is far enough away from town to really see the sky. He pointed out stars and constellations and planets. Amazing.

We’ve been friends for just over a year. He’s perennially cheerful. The joker. Wants everyone to be happy. Kicks me in the ass with his steel-toed size 10 boots. Massages my feet. Cracks my back. Gives me more grief than I need. But always with a grin. Flirts with everyone. Nothing is sacred. Not even in the office.

I was surprised to hear him say, “I need to ask you something. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Oh crap, what now? Laughing I told him, “Go ahead. What the hell. Ask away.”

“How come you have no happiness in your heart Rosa? You need to find happiness. You have a tight little body. Sweet, big brown eyes. You looked great in that dress today. Men would be all over you if only you had some happiness. Sometimes I think you don’t care about yourself. And you are mean. Downright mean sometimes. You need to choose happiness. Help yourself. You can do it yourself. For yourself.”

I was stunned. A flash of anger. Shock. Hurt. My heart hurt. Great, I thought. Like I need this shit after crying all day over Dale? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. And there was more. He was still talking as I lowered my head to my knees so he won’t see the tears. I felt his arms wrap around me.

“I’m so sorry. But you need to get happy. You’ve not been happy in a long time.”
I don’t even know how long I protested his words between tears. I hardly slept that night. I haven’t stopped thinking of what he said.

In and Out of Context
He drinks too much. He’s drowning himself in drink. Who gives credence to a drunk man? Not me. I’ve remained hurt and angry the past two weeks. Yep, I’m gruff, outspoken, sarcastic and tactless. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear what I really think. Sure, I’ll admit to that. I already know some consider me unapproachable. And I prefer it that way. I have no use for ignorance, judgment, and bigotry. No energy to play political games at the office. I have my moments, I’ll admit it. But unkind or mean? Not so much. Expect others to solve my problems? Never. Despite all my bitching. What is he talking about? I thought he knew me better than that. Guess not. I can’t believe a friend would be so mean. Fuck you too…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The subject came up again this afternoon. I called girl child about working this weekend. In the middle of the conversation, she blurted out that she’s tired of being unhappy.

Clarity
As I talked to her, I flashed on something I read early this morning. A very wise friend wrote: why does anyone do anything anyway? To be happy.. I’m happy today.

It’s All Relative
I had to agree with her. Yes, I’m happier than I was a year ago. I have peace in my new house. I smile more. Laugh more. Dance more. Enjoy more. But happy? No. Not really. Not for a long time. We talked about how we do the same things day after day. How life and living is rote. That we create temporary diversions in an attempt to satisfy and carry us through a few more days or weeks or months or even years. Wouldn’t it be nice to force that change? Become less rote. Live simpler? Do things we wanted to do? Learn things we were interested in learning? And for us instead of others. “Come travel with me” I told her. “ Move with me. Start new.” How cheaply can we live? Where? We agreed to check some things out. Make an opportunity for each one of us. Can we? Oh Hell, we can do it. I can do it.

The Zen 2X4?
The drunk man hit me over the head with it. I’ll have to thank him. Things have been strained and uncomfortable between us the past two weeks. And there’s just no need for it to be that way. Yes, he is a friend. Yes, it’s been my denial about many things lately.

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31

Posted on Friday, 22 September, 2006 by Rosa

That’s how it was again yesterday morning. Gazing in awe at Pikes Peak and the Front Range. A light dusting of snow reminds me that summer here is fleeting at best.

It was 31 years ago Wednesday when I woke up to a new life in Colorado. With one phone call I impulsively threw together a small suitcase containing a few winter clothes and a pair of boots. I grabbed a pillow, sleeping bag and less than 200 dollars in my haste to flee the hustle and bustle of the East Coast, the haze and pollution, family and friends.

It’s been 13 moves, 6 jobs, school, 3 husbands, a business, and 3 children.
There are plenty of lessons in there, and it’s a good thing to remember as I wonder where the next life takes me.

I have my of moments of utter stupidity, lol. But there are those times when absolute clarity stops me cold…
I am now back to a suitcase, pillow, and sleeping bag. This time it has been a very deliberate action.
I stood on the edge many times. And never once hit bottom when I jumped. If it’s the experience that counts, I’ve had my share and I’m ready again…lesson learned…full circle…

Because there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There’s an angel with a hand on my head
She’s says I’ve got nothing to fear

There’s a darkness deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine into my home
God don’t let me lose my nerve
Santana

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