You Will be Assimilated

Posted on Sunday, 7 October, 2007 by Rosa

Assimilation into a “different” culture…but rightly called enculturation…is an interesting process of taking in information and trying to make sense of it. Allowing others to be teacher. How we see it all through our personal filter or lens. It’s difficult at times to put those filters aside…we never want to be un-comfortable.

Part of my struggle here has not been an unwillingness to learn…not at all…I am a child…but I have spent too much time I think, looking for the familiar.

There is none. The framework I have doesn’t “work” here. Much of what I know doesn’t apply. I need to work on taking the lens away.

I am hyper aware.
From taking note of voice inflection with each and every word or remembering where the ocean (Makai) and mountain (Mauka) is when I travel, to where the panel is on each of the three elevators in my building (door #1 & door #2 on the right but door #3 on the left). There is a bit of stress about it all.

It is a work in progress from the un-familiar to the familiar. From becoming easy instead of strange. It is also I think best viewed as lifelong…not in a week, or a month, or a year.

The Filipino bread seller taught me about Balut yesterday at the Farmers Market. I had to stifle a my feelings. I know he saw through my wide-eyed look as he laughed and asked, You want? I replied with head shake and a grin back, Not so much.

Now I know…

balut

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A Small Weird Thing

Posted on Sunday, 30 September, 2007 by Rosa

The weirdest thing the other day

My real name is pretty common. But I spell it differently. My mothers maiden name.
No one gets it right, many ask how to pronounce it.

But anyways…
Went into Starbucks the other day, ordered my favorite.
She asks my name. So I tell her.
She writes on the cardboard drink thingy.
She steps away to tend to my order.
Another woman takes my debit card and id.
Pay for coffee and brownie.
Get coffee.
Leave store.
Almost home and I take a drink of coffee, turn the cup slightly putting it back in the holder, and notice MY NAME on the cardboard thingy.
Not the traditional spelling. Not a variation on the traditional spelling…MY spelling.
WTF?
I almost ran the curb.
I have never seen this particular woman at this Starbucks…or any other Starbucks. Or anywhere else I can think of.
So I think this is weird. Too weird. Not only that when I was done I popped open the laptop case because I am now going to save that cardboard drink holder with MY NAME on it. And what did I see….but the one from last week. Same store. With the traditional spelling of my name…fuckin’ weird. Oh yeah, there was no help wanted sign on the door either, lol.

I can’t stop thinking about this…wondering what the fuck…I do not believe in coincidences.
What say you?

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Game On

Posted on Sunday, 23 September, 2007 by Rosa

I like this one a lot. My first attempt at writing erotica. Truth or fiction? *grins*

Slightly startled, I turned when I heard his voice. I didn’t expect to hear any English as the couple and their son at the gas pump behind me were speaking excitedly in Japanese. I started laughing as he attempted to show them how to work the credit card. If I was staring, I certainly don’t remember. He was long and lean, with short blond hair and dark eyes crinkling to bit of mirth around the corners. Mid thirties I thought, perhaps a bit younger. A very attractive man, but it’s the mischievous look that always captures my attention. Eyes like those beg for a tease. Without missing a beat as he replied in a language they could not understand, his eyes slowly traversed the length of my body, stopping briefly in a way of assessing and taking stock. He lifted his head and nodded ever so slightly, flashing a grin as if to say he liked what he saw.

Slightly embarrassed but highly intrigued by the way he grazed my body so carefully, I found myself thinking that one good turn deserved another. He had returned to his car to fill his tank. He was facing me, one hand holding the pump, the other on his hip. I was still smiling as I spotted the washer fluid half way between us. I sauntered over and carefully placed my feet far enough apart to comfortably bend at the waist while I grabbed the handle of the wiper. My spaghetti strapped low cut top, now gaping at the front, showed just enough of my smallish breasts and the distinct line between tanned and creamy white flesh. Still bent over, I hesitated, and raised my head to meet his eyes before lifting the wiper from the watery bin and grabbing a clean blue cloth from the holder. I wanted him to know this was solely for his pleasure. As our eyes locked, I realized he fully appreciated the game. I flashed a grin his way as I stood up and returned to my car.

Carefully retracting the driver’s side wiper, I raised myself on tiptoe and bent over the hood of the car as I stretched to reach the middle of the windshield; knowing full well my already short skirt would ride a bit higher on my thigh giving him clear view of the back of my leg. My skirt rose higher and higher as I purposefully stretched farther over the car, hoping for enough of a view to imply my panty-less habit. It’s a pose every man loves, taut leg muscles, a round ass projected outwards, a slight sway in the back, and shoulders thrown back just enough to push breasts forward and up. The only things that would make a pose like this any more sexually blatant would be stiletto heels and garter belt with black seamed stockings.

If there was ever a time I wished for my random sex with a stranger fantasy to come true, it was then. I could feel the wetness dripping down my leg. The heat of my now swollen pussy had spread upwards causing a noticeable tightness in my belly. I shivered unexpectedly, feeling a bit chilled as a sudden breeze nipped at my bare ass.

Without looking back, I flipped the wiper back into position and walked to the other side of the car. I was still facing away from him but now the lower half of my body obscured from his view. There wasn’t much more I could do short of dropping the wiper and bending over to flash him. In another location where the view would be his alone, I might have considered an action that brazen. As I pretended to be absorbed at the task at hand but now wondering if he was still behind me, I saw his car rounding the corner of the pumps in my direction. With the wiper still in hand I turned, leaned my hip against the car and crossed my legs in an obviously daring gesture. I locked on to his eyes and tracked his progress towards me. He slowed almost to a stop and averted his eyes to traverse my body again as if he could see me standing naked before him. Again he inclined his head, deeper this time, and grinned before driving away.

I’ve kept my eye out for that dark, late model mustang this week, wondering if he’s local or just happened to stop here in town for gas that day. Sure would ride that stick shift if I ever got the chance. Yes indeed, one good turn deserves another.

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A Million Miles

Posted on Wednesday, 19 September, 2007 by Rosa

I dreamed of you this morning. I think it was a dream. Sensations so real…how could I be dreaming?

It’s that half state between waking and sleeping, more asleep than awake, when I am aware of your presence. I feel the heat where our shoulders, hips and caves touch, and I hear your slow, metered breathing. Your scent fills me and I smile, glad to have you at my side. As I shift my weight and roll to drape my arm around you, I realize…I am here and you are there.  But for one brief second in time I can see you next to me as if I am looking down on us both.

As I woke it felt like a million miles between us…

afternoon-dreaming

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Balance

Posted on Tuesday, 18 September, 2007 by Rosa

I am really trying to find a space within myself right now to not feel so friggin’ selfish, and to balance understanding for others and their needs with my needs/wants/desires.

No it’s not always solely about me. But I like reciprocity. So why do I question that it isn’t?

The tough part is figuring out with who and how selfish I need to be to protect myself. And do I need to protect myself? After all has anyone done me harm? That would be no in case you are wondering. So it all boils down to whether I like the outcome or not, right? My choice.

Where do I put everything aside and just be a friend. Generous, kind, understanding and loving. How do I understand…it’s just not wanted…without being slapped in the face repeatedly?

I told a someone a few days ago when he asked how it all was going, that in order to really be a friend I need to start acting the part.
Accept..not expect.

I even wrote this in a blog recently, once the assumption is made we build the rest of our life around it and very neatly blind ourselves to any other explanation.

Theres a line from a book I like, by nature and essence, contradictions don’t exist…whenever you think you have a contradiction, check your premises. One of them is wrong.

Simply put…don’t make assumptions.

Guess I should look a my own words again because obviously I’m not there yet.
*sighs*

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Weeding the Garden

Posted on Monday, 10 September, 2007 by Rosa

Perched on the curb in the midday sun. Legs splayed in front of me. Occasionally taking a minute to stretch… still sore…sadly underused muscles.

Intently and even a bit lovingly, I carefully picked at the seeds in the recesses of my shoes, stubbornly embedded in the mesh between layers of fabric. Sharp pointed weed seeds from another place, another time, another life. One by one, each was systematically and brutally crushed, putting an end to the cycle of germination and growth.

I wrote a few days ago about how I was going to dedicate time to stepping back, being more aware and letting my heart guide me. I spent time feeling my heart in relationship to decisions I am in the process of making. Should I plant this seed or that seed? Should I weed this seedling or that one? Each time I received an answer. Not always the answer I wanted…but the answer that was in my heart.

I am moving at the end of the month. A friend here called a few nights ago with an unexpected offer for shared housing. It’s an opportunity which saves both of us money. But for me, it means even more. It means being closer to my goals.

It’s an 18th floor apartment in the Salt Lake district downtown. Not far from Chinatown, Waikiki, and the University. It has a great view of both Pearl Harbor and Salt Lake with it’s large park and wetland preserve (the wetland preserve is very important). And half the distance to my favorite early morning beach. The Eagles Nest. A place were the TV has been replaced with tanks of rare fish. It’s both creative and peaceful. It has funk as well as the vitality of the city I need right now. There is an interesting dichotomy…and a slight energetic tension about it…like me I suppose.

There are other decisions which bring not-so-pleasant heart feelings. A dis-ease. Those will sort themselves out as well. But I know now…there is no ambiguity.

Some of my previous seeds are growing nicely. Some seeds I will always nurture. But today I find myself planting a few new ones. And crushing those that have the capacity to grow rampant…to smother smaller seedlings I need to tend.

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The Days Grow Longer

Posted on Friday, 31 August, 2007 by Rosa

I’ve always had a strong social network despite my ability, my absolute ease at being alone with myself most of my life. Inside myself.

My roommate leaves for Korea in a few weeks. His girlfriend returns to Colorado.
A good thing…she is more about differences than sameness…he and she argue…unkind…uncomfortable.

Here and now, there are is only one to occasionally hang with, bounce ideas off of, whine at, laugh with, touch…time with him is limited.

My only other friend here, a touchstone of sorts…a strong spiritual connection…But communication of any kind is limited in words and guarded. No judgment in knowing we all choose what we need. No anger. Just and achy sadness.

Fucking random strangers is not enough. I want no part of the game to get there. But I want to/need to satisfy my hedonistic urges.

I spend time on the beach, leaving early and driving the hour to the other side of the island in the dark. As I sit and watch the sun rise I give gratitude and wonder if it’s half hearted some days. Rote. What’s missing?

It’s hard this time…to be so totally alone. Maybe I should get a dog and call it Toto.

The townhouse here is nice by the standards here. But sterile. I seem to require funk. There are all sorts of rules. I can’t packrat stuff he says. The float She (Mother Ocean) gave me last week on the beach will be sent to my Love. He frets over the two ferns I bought. They will attract the little sugar ants. I can’t hang the only picture I bought with me. An original colored pencil drawing…a present from a dear botanical artist friend…from a time…from a previous life…the focus of my work those first few years…a rare plant in SE Colorado…one of my favorites.

I took some time today…a break from resumes and internet job applications…dyed my hair…the gray was really showing under the blonde…it’s now the color of a copper penny…not shiny…dull…like me. Flat…lifeless…

I talked to my muse, my Love, the other night…crying…alone…confused…lost.

He’s right. I need to stay in motion. Or rather, create the motion that will carry me thru and over…to ease the homesickness…impending depression. To provide money to live…to get where I need to…I’ve committed a year here…

He’s right. I’ve little to no practical experience being alone…without family, without friends. I’m the stranger here. A child learning. Where is the auto parts store please? I can’t seem to find it. Do the car washes have vacuums or shampooers? Where is a car wash?

I want it to be easy. It needs to be easy.

I sat on the lanai and blew bubbles to the wind…and tried to believe…

Just BElieve…Make it Easy

It’s so easy to give advise to others isn’t it? I do it all the time…

I’m the one who is missing. MIA…

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Random Observations

Posted on Tuesday, 28 August, 2007 by Rosa

Here are some of my random observations about this place:

~The island of Oahu has an Interstate Highway system, but you can’t use it to travel to any other state.

~Sales tax is a hair over 4% and it’s called a General Excise Tax (GET). Meaning you pay it on everything.

~Beaches are free but in some rare cases access may be limited.

~Always ask for kama’aina prices which can sometimes be lower for residents.

~I find drivers here to be exceedingly courteous.

~I rarely hear loud music emanating from vehicles.

~Car horns are infrequently used.

~Parking spaces are very, very narrow.

~Beaches have public toilets, but many eateries do not.

~ I have not found a speed limit of over 60mph.

~There seems to be no rhyme or reason to traffic patterns.

~Kinds of trees such as a Mango tree, are locations in directions.

~Streets change names with alarming frequency.

~Slow and slower is normal.

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No Context

Posted on Friday, 10 August, 2007 by Rosa

no context, no direction, no bearing….literally speaking because figuratively is a horse of a different color…and I’m starting to feel very much like Dorothy again…

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How many

Posted on Tuesday, 7 August, 2007 by Rosa

Mood: dildos are not a lethal weapon

Take a guess…how many big purple dildos do you think they see every day checking people’s bags?

100’s? 1000’s?? Millions???

Yeah, that’s it…millions….everybody who flies carries a big purple dildo in their carry on luggage.

She only got it ½ way out of the bag before she realized what it was, jammed it back into the bag and whipped her head around…she was laughing her ass off as she confiscated the tube of Astroglide and my toothpaste.

But I did get to warn the youngish guy there was some really personal girl stuff in there before he got it out of the bag. Funny…he zipped it back up real quick and let me go immediately without checking the rest of my bag…Hmmmm…I’ll have to remember that one…

I wonder who got to see the vibrating egg that I forgot about in the big suitcase?

Yeah I got tagged at 2 of 3 airports…but hey…I got the really cute chick to pat me down. *winks* Jealous yet?

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As Much As I Say….

Posted on Tuesday, 31 July, 2007 by Rosa

I am running away from my kids…and to some degree I am…they need me out of this nest…but, I still worry…I’ll always be “Mom”.

Brought some take out food home the other day…girl child all but snatched the leftovers out of my hand as I walked in, lol…her favorite…she was violently sick within 1/2 hour of eating…

She was in the bathroom hurling yet again when when I heard her younger brother knock on the bedroom door and ask her boyfriend…HEY, is my sister OK? Does she need anything?

I caught a hint of alpha male in him….my sister…responsibility… territory…you better be taking care of her…

Yeah…they’ll look out for each other…I knew that tho…but still…there was much comfort…relief… in really knowing…yanno? *grins*

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She

Posted on Sunday, 29 July, 2007 by Rosa


rising gracefully
from
her sleep
she
moves slowly
deliberately
swollen & voluptuous
she
illuminates
the inky night

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BElieve

Posted on Thursday, 19 July, 2007 by Rosa

I like sitting outside in public places…to…uhhhh…well…watch the public.
I often go to one of the local coffee shops to do just that. And think, and write, and just relax. I needed to get out of the house tonight.

The night air is warm and heavy with humidity…rare in the high mountain desert. Summer storms brew in the afternoon against the 14,000+ foot peak and adjoining mountain range here on Colorado’s East Slope. Heat from the prairie rises against the mountains and late afternoon or early evening thunderstorms ensue…powerful thunderstorms…torrential rain…localized flooding…brief in duration. It’s just enough to cool and quench the thirst.

Despite the heat, it still hasn’t rained today. It’s breezy and the storm appears to be moving to the southeast.

Watching the day turn to night…Azure blue deepens to Lapis as the sun fades behind the mountains. Lapis to Indigo. Indigo to Navy. Navy to Black. No stars tonight.

The night air is an odd mixture of scents…coffee, exhaust, the sweet smell of phlox, a faint but sharp reminder of a skunk somewhere in the distance.
I like this coffee shop. It’s located on the west end of town. A funky little neighborhood. Funky atmosphere. Old and derelict in some ways…quaint in others. It’s got a flavor all its own.
I’m not afraid here…but I rarely am. Maybe I’m just used to being on this side of town. Maybe I just don’t care enough to be afraid. At any rate, I’m comfortable.

The wind has picked up again after a short lull and changed direction by 180 degrees. We may get some rain tonight after all.

It’s interesting here watching…my back is against the wall of the building.

A young man in his mid 20’s. Black shirt, black shoes, white dockers. He sits with his coffee and turns his attentions to the book on his lap. Occasionally he looks over his shoulder at me to the right and slightly behind him. He is of Italian descent; I’m sure of it. He reminds me of my cousin Walter so many years ago.

A mocha skinned, black curly haired teen with earphones…slouched in his chair.

A woman walks by carrying bags from the grocery store up the street. She strolls along in a leisurely fashion. Her bags are stuffed but not obviously heavy. One in each hand…balanced .

Four men who appear to be in their mid 40’s occupy another table. Their talk is lively and punctuated with laughter. One has a small dog on his lap. They take turns passing him around.

An older gentleman sits at the furthest end and gazes outward. I wonder what he’s thinking. Did he have a good day? Is he missing his wife?

As I sit and watch, other thoughts invade my calm.
I have something else on my mind tonight. I usually do when I come here to watch and write. Process.

It’s the contrast of what each said about relationships.

“It’s supposed to be easy. And it is.” We were talking about the easy flow in his marriage, how we get along so well, what he told his daughters about relationships.

Yesterday I told another friend, “Lets just keep it simple. It is.”
He replied, “Easy to say…not so easy to do…I just want it to be easy. It never is.” His text had a slight sigh of sadness…resignation…uncertainty.

But I remember asking him just last year, “Is it always supposed to be this easy?”
“Why yes”, he replied smugly and finished his thought with a boyish grin, “it is.”

So I wonder to myself….How does it fit?  Why has it changed? Where do I fit? Why this path?  What is the lesson?

I reflect back on my marriages, it was never easy. Always a struggle, always some kind of conflict to work through. Is the best always difficult?

I now believe in my heart of hearts…Perhaps it’s that I must believe this way…it should be easy. And when it’s right, it will be. Timing is everything.
I also know when I am uncertain, nothing is the only something I need to do because when it’s right it, will be. Timing is everything.

If I could take his face in my hands and kiss his forehead, I would say to him, Just Believe.
I need to go to the dime store, buy some bubbles and send them along.
You know the kind right? Yellow or pink or blue or green plastic bottles with that little yellow plastic holder thingy inside.
Just Believe…Make it Easy

The waitress is gathering the tables and stacking chairs for the night.
The wind is blowing now and changed direction yet again. I smell rain in the air…

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Moving Along

Posted on Wednesday, 11 July, 2007 by Rosa

How odd that a mistaken identity on this place brought us together.

You taught me more than you will ever know…more then I can express. I wasn’t quite ready before. I am now.

Yes, you cracked the shell, peeled the layers, exposed both my fragility and my strength, and held them for me to examine in ways I never had before. You allowed me, encouraged me to grow.

I know you cherish me for who I am.
You honor me as a woman should be honored.
I am protected and safe with you.
Your attention and affection serves as the softest cloth that gently rubs away the last remaining tarnish.
I am the beneficiary of your wisdom, patience, trust, honesty and generosity.
You take me places with you and within myself…places I’ve never been.

You helped me breathe a vital life back into my very being. You have readied me for the next jump.

In the past couple of months I’ve noticed a pronounced change.
You are right, I have not changed into someone different. I have fully returned to who I always was; a child at heart, laughing and silly, wide eyed, in awe at the world around me, always ready to explore, openly vulnerable, still innocent.

Now?
My walk is measured, sure, sexy. I hold my head higher with a gaze deliberately intense.
My eyes are bright, my smile radiant, my heart is light, my breath fulfilling.
I am more secure in my existence.

You know, I never expected to have this depth of feeling for you.
I never intended to Love you.
I’m not sorry I do.

The time we spend present with each other is joyful and wonderfully loving.

You touch my heart.
You are a true friend.
The best of lovers.
A kind and decent person.
A very special man.

In all of this…I really do know…I am worth it…And I promise you with all my heart…I will never settle. *grins*

Notes to Self:  Odd too that now, after a mistaken identity, we are roommates and best friends.  Scott, I haven’t settled.  I never will.  You kow, what I know.  You always will….

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Jane You Ignorant Slut

Posted on Monday, 9 July, 2007 by Rosa

There’s something deliciously sexy about being dressed in short, tight, black skirt with no panties on a hot summer night.

Sitting on the edge of my seat I centered my gaze on him,and parted my legs at the heavy set man alone at the bar looking around intently at the various people enjoying dinner. He held my eye for the briefest moment.

Oh I was so deliberate and naughty. I wasn’t at all sure he saw me, but I was pleased nonetheless at my brazenness.

I tried to maintain a steady and unabashed mask and smiled as I extended my hand. Very nice to meet you, heavy set man at the bar and owner of the restaurant. Friend of my partner in crime Saturday night.

He gave no indication. I wonder….

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