Seasons of Change

It’s my age I think that makes me more aware than ever….no one is exempt of course.  I think we don’t really address our own mortality until we lose a parent, a spouse, or we hit the big 5-0.

Last week my Fathers sister died of complications due to colon cancer.  She was nearly 80.

This morning, My 2nd cousin…67, died in her sleep. No idea the cause.

I’m luckier than many.  I knew 2 of the 4 great grandmothers, all my grandparents, scads and scads of Great Aunts and Great Uncles, and all their children. Not just “knew” but grew up with….played with…caused trouble with, lol.

At 51, I shouldn’t be surprised.

Yep *sigh* it’s the season of change…

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Purging

Again I travel to the mainland in less than two weeks. To attend the wedding of a former love and a dear friend.  There’s no bittersweet here…just pure joy for him and his honey-both former coworkers.    Pure joy that  he found the peace within himself to open his heart and marry one more time.   There are only a few where that circle is truly complete in the union as it completes the circuit.

Neither know I’m coming.  *gigges*  It was so hard to talk around his questions of if I could make it a few weeks ago when I called to tell him how happy I was to hear the news.   I am excited to see them married.  It was a hard path at times for us both in our friendship.  He is only one of a very few who knows complete acceptance of another.  We grew together…both leaning on each other for support as we navigated our divorces, growing children, new relationships and increasing job challenges. We also grew in our parting when I moved to Hawaii.  A needed lesson on how to continue holding friends in ones heart despite distance.

The bittersweet here is that once again I stay with another dear friend.  One whose presence I cherish….yet again only for a short week, reminding me of what I feel in that presence, and what I miss when we are so far apart.  Even tho I know….it’s not to be.  That we can only BE present as lovers for a week. That we are so very far apart….and even if we were closer…likely would ruin something special.  We are not ready for each other.  We walk together…apart.

This weekend, I move in with a man I’ve known for a few years now.  Hosting me even for a short time in his very small apartment is more than generous.  We’re both very much about solitude even if we do enjoy the companionship.  More and more the past week as I pack…more and more I have fear of failing this.  Failing the friendship and destroying something that’s been pretty easy between us.  Fear of him seeing me as I really am….good bad and otherwise.  Fear of not being accepted.

I’ve taken this inward the past week.  Makes no difference…as a matter of fact, my un-sure grows.  Perhaps is only fueled by the act of packing my belongings for yet another lifestyle change.   Why I ever thought I could do this…I’m faltering in that decision.  Not that I won’t do it, mind you. But honestly…I really don’t think I can live with someone again.  I really don’t think I can do any kind of relationship on a day to day intimate level for very long…And with one bed…we can’t sleep in it without sleeping together.  While I could with my roomie.  I can’t with him.  Sex adds another dimension to the dynamic.  I guess when it comes down to it….I’m afraid of caring too much…of becoming attached.   That’s never. ever worked for me in the past. *sigh*

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Blue Plate Special $3.65 – Bliss

Follow Your Bliss

If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid…and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else.

Joseph Cambell (1904-1987)

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Realizing Opportunity

That it comes at the right time is true if we’re ready to recognize it as such  And too, we need not spend time trying to talk our way out of whatever it is being presented.  Whatever new experience….it’s all opportunity to grow and learn, it’s about the journey.

I’ll be moving at the end of this month.  It hits my time line for getting out of this cluttered apartment.  I’ve been here a year.  And although the apartment is convenient to work…and I pay half the rent with a largely absent roomie….I’m not comfortable here.  The energy isn’t conducive to my well being. I need to be closer to the ocean.

Weird how things come about.  I’ve been offered a shared living arrangement for a few months in order to save additional money and find the place I need.  I’ve had plenty of angst about the offer.  So much so that I’ve been unable to see the forest for the trees.

I’ve thrown every obstacle up for weeks.   Wondering and worrying.   We talked about it more in depth yesterday.  He asked point blank.  Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes I am, I heard myself reply.   He admitted he was not.  I found his admission reassuring.  That he has reservations and he’s also considering some of the same issues I’ve been agonizing over since he first threw this my way many weeks ago.   It’s not that I don’t have reservations.   I would be lying if I said I didn’t.  I’m sure I want to do it anyway.

BUT….the potential to harm a cherished friendship….it’s that potential which needs to be acknowledged, negotiated, and communicated to with each other.   Can we speak honestly about what we need, about any issues we have without taking it personally?  Hell, we all have our quirks, bad moods, forgetfulness….Can we call each other on the shit with kindness?   We are both private people used to being alone much of the time.  We both need…demand…alone time and privacy despite enjoying each others company.

While my roommate situation now in terms of personality is probably one of the best…we also don’t sleep together.  Sex brings another set of negotiations to the table above and beyond space constraints and the usual personal quirks.  We will be sleeping together in the only bed in the apartment.  I gave up sleeping in the same bed with my roommate shortly after I moved in…he was just too uncomfortable with it. I now sleep on the couch.

Neither one of us is monogamous by any means. Nor do either of us particularly believe we should be,  simply because we are sharing housing.  And that aspect of privacy needs to be respected.  Those boundaries need to be set with the understanding that as needs change, agreements change.  What may be acceptable or amenable may not be a month from now.  It’s a learning experience.

I’m going to rent a small storage to stow most of my belongings for the next three months. I need to be careful…I nest without thinking about it…the effects it has on others.  I need not do that here.  This is not my apartment.  I won’t be a guest per se, but it is his apartment and the agreement is one of the temporary.  I think women tend to do this anyway…leave their fingerprints wherever they go.  Some of that is ok.  But it’s easily overdone.  At least that’s my tendency.  So ultimately it’s better if the temptation is removed.

I like the apartment.  As small as it is, it’s bigger than what I live in now.  It’s 4 short blocks to the beach.  Most everything is in walking distance.  Set a few blocks from main “Waikiki” madness…it’s quieter than where I live now.   It’s longer to work, by I really don’t mind the drive.  Did I mention it’s 4 blocks to the beach?  The energy there is good…peaceful.

In all of this wondering….I have been..for whatever reason…handed the exact experience I need right now.  Yep…I need to just chill with it…and welcome the journey.  No struggling with it…It will be as easy or as hard as I make it.   Growth is essential to life.  Opportunity…  *smile*

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Anonymity

Not.  Not on the web.  Not in any way, shape or form.  To think we are completely anonymous here or anywhere else borders on stupid.

To get to my blog here….either it comes up in a search of some sort (keywords, tags, random through WP, or linked in another post), I give you the blog name/location, or you do a search using another handle I have…but you would have to know that other handle to begin with.

Search the handle from the fuck finders site will get you 2 Adult content blogs as well as various other adult content. Read at your own risk.  Searching a 2nd handle I use will not get any blog written by me.  And you will never get my real name with either of the first two.   Simple enough…not foolproof by any means for the serious stalker…but then again…virtually nothing will protect you if someone wants to find you.

Do I sound paranoid, yet?   Honestly, I’m not overly concerned.  I don’t live paranoia mode in any faucet of my life.   Precautionary has its advantage in certain situations.  I simply do not  need my employer finding me on the web in a less than professional capacity.  Actually, I don’t need anyone finding me on the web unless I want them to….so why make it easy?

The point of this…a few weeks ago an intimate friend told me his recent ex-girlfriend read my blog here just after I returned from Colorado in July.  She once again admitted to snooping through his “stuff” while venting her jealousy issues.   He didn’t immediately tell me for fear I would hesitate writing.  And I suspect  because he also didn’t want to hear me express emotion through – but not meant for – him.    It is abundantly clear she took my fuck finders handle from a blog there and used it to search me.  I did have an initial moment of fear over what she found.  My letters to him containing my real name and address on the envelope?

I’m still feeling a bit prickly about it all.  The intent…Yep it’s the intent I don’t care for.  She told him about it after the fact.  As if she wanted that message passed along.  Last time I visited, she left a message for him in lipstick *laughs* in the corner of the bathroom mirror…the bathroom he doesn’t usually use.   But she told him she left a message for me and wouldn’t say anything more except that I would see it.

It feels like my mail has been opened and then resealed in the half-assed manner of one who wants to be caught.  Like the peeping tom who knocks on the window to get your attention just before he flees…

Funny…it’s only called stalking when someone lets you know they’ve been doing it because the method and the intent is wholly designed to make another feel un-easy, un-comfortable and in some cases fearful  in their own space.

Power is taken where power is given.

I really needed to put this out there in order to help end the power I find myself giving it all.

Pau

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Paint me a Picture

I’m fascinated with body art….painting in particular. Henna catches my eye…there are advertisements all over Waikiki for henna artists. I think it would be nice as a special treat. Especially one involving the slow removal of clothing *wink*

But these…well, I’d love to have this done for Halloween and walk around downtown with the masses. *chuckles*

Perhaps I should advertise as a very patient model for practicing artists in exchange for some body work?

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Brain Dump

I found these looking for something to focus on this morning. You can view them here

I need a Brain Dump…..badly.

Meditation is almost impossible in my apartment and when it is possible, I end up falling asleep.

Masturbation leaves me even more horny. Considering I’ve been masturbating endlessly for the last few days, I an insatiable, growling mess.

Ever since I returned from Colorado three weeks ago, it’s as though my brain shifted….I’m disconnected and fragmented…thoughts come rapid fire and leave just as fast…flowing through but not really being able to tap what I need. Dreams come and go leaving me waking suddenly in the dark night. Confused and anxious. Rarely do I awake refreshed…

*sigh*

Not sure how to come back to center…

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Book Geek Meme

Something fun…a meme that Greenwoman got from Alice.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed.

If that’s a true statistic it’s pretty sad when you think about it.

Here’s the rules:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.

2) Italicize those you intend to read.

3) Underline the books you love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights – Emile Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (a few)

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy – some of it

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky ugh….

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy another ugh

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

So many books, so little time…..

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Mastery Through Accomplishment – Meditation

I’ve been MIA the past few weeks. Not because I’ve been sitting on my ass.  With 7 guests to entertain….well they kept me hopping just about every second. They also brought with them (and left for me) a nasty sinus infection. *sigh* It was good to have them here and just as good for them all to go home. *smile*

Meanwhile, writing anything was put on the back burner. Just no time with all those scheduled activites between sunrise and well past sundown…..One thing that came out of the past few weeks has been a return to a more regular meditation practice. I’ve become lazy about it the past year to the point I think, of making a bigger deal about having no sacred space instead of just creating one for myself the best I can.

The place we stayed was full of really good energy. And I needed the time to center myself everyday….dealing with so many people in close quarters (my son, daughter in law, daughter and I shared a 2 bedroom suite near the beach) was somewhat of a chore. Too many personalities *laughs* to juggle. It was mostly fine…I fall asleep easily and deeply. And it was surprisingly easy for me to sit and clear my mind each morning outside under the boughs of a blooming hot pink bougainvillea or at the beach a half block away.  A simple heart meditation and expressing gratitude helped renew me.

The caretakers were sympathetic to my stress and graciously allowed me to use the private and normally closed in the evening lanai, for meditation each night. *grin* Perfect.

There was a time not so long ago where I easily made time for both a morning and evening meditation. There was a time when I could easily slip into no mind. Or observe with no thought behind it. There were times I slipped away suddenly and with seemingly no active prompt from myself. Whatever triggers existed for me then are still present. I just need to more receptive to feeling them pass in front of me.

All in all, I’m feeling accomplished both with being able to start this as a more regular habit and for continuing after everyone has left. It’s far from perfect…sometimes…well other events leave little time. Sex is a form of meditation, yes? *wink*

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darkness as an exercise

I found this exercise perusing blogs a few weeks ago and never got to it. What a perfect way to get me going again. It was interesting to do. But the words seemed to come to slow and somewhat clumsy…..

perhaps practice is in order.

Southwest Science Foundation

Meditation on the Dark

A glove of smooth silk, fingers of darkness wrap themselves softly and with a lingering embrace draws me into nights coolness. Pinpoints of stars twinkle in the inky blackness. Stained asphalt worn with comings and goings of hurried life. Shadows fall in odd shapes bisected by streetlamps, window lights. Sweet are the dark scents of musk, sandlewood, tuberose, and sweat. Darkness slows the soul, rests the weary. Darkness is cover and hidden are the glaring imperfections. Rustling breezes calms minds.

Contrasts are the rule of darkness. Darkness lingers longer before the days rises with hope eternal in another burst of light. Dark is the everlasting reminder of that which I want and can not attain. Darkness is a murmur on my soul.

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A Little Black Magic

Sometimes it’s not so bad to be alone with them…all one in a million voices…dripping sensuality and passion…and at the same time, strong with joy in their gift. Listen….

*smile*

This was Sorrow’s suggestion (see below), and it’s a mighty fine one indeed!

I think this is the finest I’ve ever heard him….

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Sacred Life Sunday – Friendships

Sacred Life Sunday

I was blessed this weekend with time spent between friends, What was spoken meant volumes…an offering to be “someone who gives a shit” to help me with a task. What wasn’t said was equally as important, perhaps even more so. Extended hands, smiles, laughing, hugs….you know…gestures of companionship, tenderness, caring and loving…I am so blessed with these friends.

A Friendship Blessing

May you be blessed with good friends
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul
Where there is great love, warmth, feeling and forgiveness.
May this change you
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant or cold in you
May you be brought into, the real passion, kinship and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends
May you be good to them
And may you be there for them
May they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth and light
That you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated
But may you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your Anam Cara.

John Donohue from Anam Cara


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Blue Plate Special $3.65 – Taking Flight (for Gene)

When you come to the edge of all the light you have,

and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,

faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on,

or you will be taught how to fly.

~ Patrick Overton ~

Snow Goose in Flight

Take my hand, Gene…I fly or walk alongside you for now…

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Strange Dreams

I had a very odd conversation with my youngest boy child tonight. In the middle of telling me about his meditations ( huh? wtf? meditation practice? my youngest son meditates now? ), this is what he had to say. Anyone have a clue as to what it might signify?

He does not generally remember his dreams. This place is where he grew up. He recently started spending time there again.

last night, i dreamed i was by myself walking up lucky 4 past the ranch. i was just walking and walking along the road. it was very peaceful and very real. i could almost feel the wind on my face. i passed three bears and one mountain lion all at different points along the road. they would appear out of the woods and i would kneel down on one knee keeping eye contact the whole time. it was like i could talk to them. i would stick out my hand and mentally say, i won’t hurt you, its ok. they would come to me sniff my hand and let me pet them. then i would move on. they did not talk back.

the bears would practically come up to me as soon as i stuck out my hand. no fear whatsoever. the lion was a bit different tho. he was on the right side of the road, all the bears were on the left. the lion was the last i encountered. it was near the end of the road. he came down the right side of the rocks like he was coming down from the den in the back 40 and at the other side of the spring from where we saw him that one time. he hesitated much longer than the bears and took more convincing. at first he crouched real low to the ground like he was about to pounce on me. i kept eye contact and waited. he slowly moved up to me after a bit, sniffed me, let me pet him and then i kept going.

not once did i step off the road. when i got to the end, right when the dirt ends and it turns to the rocks just past johnston’s old place, that’s when i woke up. it was one of the strangest and most real dreams i ever had.

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Feast Your Eyes

Traveling through the Web maze I stumbled on this Canadian artist, Holly Carr.

Her work in silk is amazing, whimsical, and vibrant with color.

A taste to whet your appetite….

This card called Rug Burns and Chocolate Cherries, immediately made me giggle.


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