There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won’t anymore…
and who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past,
there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.
Taking a moment of reflection and gratitude for all the Loving friendships in my life.
There have been periods in my life where I’ve felt….old. I’m not talking about feeling physically and mentally old, or possessing emotional maturity, despite my chronological age.
Wise? No, not particularly.
Learned in an intellectual sense…that’s not it either.
And spiritually, I am but a child with many lessons yet to unfold; much to do, much to learn.
I’ve been feeling like that again lately. Not old exactly….More like Ancient.
I feel as though I’ve traveled a million miles through space and time. Floating endlessly, but not hopelessly; leaving bits of myself scattered over the vastness of the universe. It seems that lately I’ve been calling those bits & pieces back. Tugging on threads as if to find the missing or loose ones….wanting to weave them with the bits that are the tapestry of my life.
There’s something else about this….As I sit barefoot on the lanai, I feel a distinct and warming ‘pull’ at my feet. When I lay on the beach, energy pulsates from the sand to my yoni and back again….filling me and emptying me….it’s warm and soft and fluid. It leaves me….wanting…desiring…desired.
It’s an odd sensation. Not one of un-ease or un-comfortableness. Quite the opposite. I am…strangely content.
It’s like looking through the eyes of an owl. Mine but not mine. Silent and Waiting.
There’s a bit of power here in that I feel shrouded…protected somehow.
Funny, I almost feel…well…invisible in broad daylight.
An Ancient Shadow.
Yep, I’m missing it. I didn’t last year…not in the least. Only too glad to get out of the cold weather, I left before the fall set into the Rockies where I’ve spend most of my life.
I’m missing the change of the seasons. The turning, not towards death, but towards something yet unknown, yet unborn…
A patchwork quilt of red-orange Gamble oaks sprinkled with brilliant pockets of sparkling yellow aspens and deep, dark green Ponderosa pines set against the ancient, weathered gray granite peaks stretching into the clear deep blue depths of endless Colorado sky.
Sun ripened peaches dripping sweet nectar for pies, cobbler and peach mead.
Chili peppers roasting in great open mesh barrels where blackened skin cracks to reveal thick, glistening green flesh for stuffing with creamy white cheese.
The thick resinous aroma of juniper and pine crackling in the fireplace to ward off the night chill.
Punctuated equilibrium.
They spent the better part of the day in bed together that Sunday following the wedding. Among rumpled sheets, mountains of pillows and endless cups of coffee they talked their darkest secrets of the past, and deepest desires of the now projected into the future. Not in the way of getting to know each other like new lovers, but a simple continuation of their unfinished conversations.
His great bear paw hands gently stroked her hair, smoothing pinpricks of anxiety.
I was going to tell you this before you left. But you need to hear this now.
She dropped her head as her eyes widened with the fear of suddenly feeling small and vulnerable.
What?
I’ve sensed a new gentleness about you. Even more then the last time you were here.
Really?
Yes, really. It’s good. I like it.
She/ Me/ I wept an ocean of salt water tears…
You’re right of course. What we are taught is, the “Perfect Love” has no desire for anyone else. The “One” fills all the holes in our life. We impose our conditions of the ‘perfect’ romance, the ‘perfect’ Love, and the ‘perfect’ life we’ve created in our heads. You can have my time, my attention, my Love and sex, if and only if, you pay attention to me…and only me. It’s all about ME. Forsake all others. We perceive our cup as only being filled with “one”, but not many.
Ok, I get that. Sure, I want it to be about me too. I want to feel Loved and cherished and adored and…well yeah I want to feel special. Don’t we all?
I just don’t agree with it.
Women have incredible power this way over men. We have what they want. Trouble is I don’t particularly want that power. I don’t want to ‘control’ another. Mostly because I don’t want attempts at trying to control me.
Yep, the ‘relationship’, or romantic Love for another always comes with conditions doesn’t it? Sad but true. I don’t want to put conditions on Love and affection and holding another’s heart in my hand….because when we do, we say the conditions matter more than the heart we hold.
I reject that idea. That’s NOT love. It’s manipulation.
I can’t live that way. I won’t live that way. I won’t impose it. I won’t ask for it.
The funny thing is…when we don’t impose these conditions on our Love/Lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other…we’re accused of not caring…we’re looked at as being unable to “commit”, or worse yet of not being loyal. We somehow cannot give all of ourselves to the desired state of “The Relationship”.
If I give all of myself to you, right now in this moment of time. And in the next occurring moment of time for as long as those consecutive moments last…is that not good enough? And if I share some part of myself with another, be it emotionally, physically, spiritually or intellectually for a moment in time or some number of consecutive moments in time…has that taken anything away from you? Has it somehow robbed you of my Love?
Maybe I’m hopelessly idealistic. Maybe not. Maybe I just want to live my life this way because it feels right.
We all have ‘conditions’. These are mine.
When it comes right down to it, you don’t have to live with me or my ideals. But I do…
And it doesn’t have any bearing on anything except that sometimes, I’m in a place where things click with someone and I want to get laid. Nothing personal, I just want to get laid.
I could have hung about the house and waited for my roommate. And could very well have drove myself crazy in the process, lol. But…until we talk I really don’t want to not ask for anything but a hug and to know he’s got my back if needed. And really I already know that. The decision to leave was easy…better living through avoidance.
In the absence of every fucking thing else…like affection and hugs and intimate conversation, I really need to get laid. It’s been over two weeks now. And I want to get laid in the most basic carnal way. Better if it was with someone I have genuine affection for, but….*shrugs *whatevah* It’s just sex.
I strolled to the beach partially in my better living through denial mode and parked my ass on the beach. I wasn’t there long before a stranger asked directions to a local tourist bar. Down that way, I pointed, but honestly I prefer the local dive places. We chatted some and flirted a lot. With enough in common we headed to the bar across the street for a beer. Bear in mind it’s about 11 am, but what the hell. I was just killing time anyway. Got to talking and flirting and flirting and flirting some more and pretty soon it’s clear we both want to get laid, but what the hell we’re totally enjoying the game. More beer and a shot or two of tequila and well, a shower and sex sounds really good…..
Nah…it doesn’t change a thing. Sometimes I just wanna get laid.
All in all, a good Sunday.
Oh and in case you’re wondering….I did but not with him *winks* And the sex was far, far better.
I thought of you this morning. And felt a bit sad over missing you…your touch, your scent. How much I wanted you here with me this very minute. I’m touch starved. I’m intimacy starved. About 2 weeks is all I can stand….it’s been longer than that now.
I’m sad….mostly though disappointed in myself for feeling selfish about it all. Disappointed in myself for not acknowledging how you support me on a daily basis. And most importantly, disappointed in myself for wanting more than you are able to give.
The reasons don’t matter….they never do. We can only live our lives for us and in the best way we know how.
Yah, it’s not all about the sex anymore. Funny, it always has been before…many times – more often than not when I really think about it – sex being the only glue to the ‘relationship’ instead of it really being about the deep friendship with a lover or spouse. And in it all, falling far too easily into the trap of equating sex with love when I tumble into the unknown with you. And it is a part of Love to tumble so effortlessly after all the lust and newness wears off. Oh, it’s not that sex has ceased to matter. Or that I’m somehow feeling ambivalent. It’s just…well…it’s become the icing on the cake….and the cake is plenty sweet without the icing all the time.
Since we’re talking about wagon wheels….
A friend said this on her blog the other day and it’s really stuck with me, I keep thinking that ‘truth’ is like a wagon-wheel – the view is different toward the hub, from each of the spokes.
Been thinking about that with respect to my ‘process’. I’ve been accused of over thinking…yanno, a woman thing. I personally find that to be a catch all excuse when someone doesn’t really understand who I am and how I process my own shit. Ok so I am a woman. What’s that got to do with it, lol?
Yes, I know my own struggles come from space where I can’t get in to the Zen of just accepting what is before me. Accepting what can’t be changed either in an event or in other behaviors/choices when they don’t ‘match’ my own. Part of total acceptance…a least for me…is a thorough ‘examination’ of the WHY in my re-action. Seems to me in order to accept anything as ‘what it is’, I first have to know what it is. I already know my own ‘negative’ emotion, my reaction is a product of some kind of fear. What are the underlying issues surrounding that fear?
The goal is to become more familiar with the re-action, recognize it, and let it go. How can I let ‘it go’ when I don’t know what it is. The goal is introspection…not to the point of being obsessive…or giving myself an ulcer or sickness….but to really understand the links…understand all the spokes in the wheel.
So when I look at an issue…and search out that un-comfortable place in my gut, I tend to come at it from many angles. Because it does look different as I turn the wheel. Depending on the view some spokes are shortened, some elongated, some obscured. It’s not the entire picture…a distorted image of the whole.
The ‘view’ is less oblique with introspection as we twist and turn the issue. What I’m also looking for are broken spokes so to speak. Where are my ‘connections’ missing? What am I not considering or seeing or feeling about my un-ease.
I’m trying to get to the center through every spoke, make the connections, have a complete picture in my heart….a full, head-on view…before I can understand enough to accept and then let it go…
You don’t have to understand it…and maybe this process doesn’t work for you. I’m not you. It’s my process. Perhaps I might have a bit less angst, or suffering if I just looked at it, shrugged and decided that what it is, is…but I constantly find…without understanding why…without making an attempt to understand myself…those issues come back to haunt me later. The lessons repeat. If I can understand, recognize the “why” now…I can better feel if it rises later and know…know where it stems and let it go that much sooner.
Just my 2 cents…
This vid makes me smile so I’ve included it just because….it makes me smile. *grin* I Love, love love watching people enjoy what ever it is that they’re doing. And I love this tune.
It’s rare when I don’t sleep soundly. Little wakes me anymore. Gone are the days of sleeping with one eye open listening for restless and sick babies and then driving teens making back home safely again. Oh, occasionally I have an insomniac night but it’s been 40 years since I had a nightmare where I absolutely feared going back to sleep least I ‘slip’ again into the terror I just left….
I’m sure it was only a few minutes but it seems like hours of a 80’s style slasher movie playing in my head. I woke terrified, heart pounding from feeling his hand wrenched from mine while we were walking to a party with longtime friends…watching in terror and screaming….trying to tell the others…having no words…having him (a different love this time) return bloodied and giving warning…we ran…hands linked and he morphed into another lover….only to be separated again…being chased in the streets…friends suddenly appearing…running with me…guiding me along the back alleys i and out of stragely appearing doors into nowhere….and having them fade into the night…gone…alone with he who was chasing me always behind me…always whispering in my ear..sobbing hysterically and covering my youngest child with my body when he was returned unharmed…the feet of a goat sliced clean from it’s body by an unseen machete…hiding in the house…trying to move the children calmly to another room when I knew ‘they’ were nearing…and finally turning back and looking at what I thought was a curtained window only to hear him tell me there was no escape and see her intense look….no escape…no hope of escape…I was doomed, terrified and shaking with adrenaline when I sat up in bed.
I got up, threw on my robe and went out on the lanai to smoke. I had gone to bed about 9:30 and it was only a short 2 hours later. Shit…I couldn’t call anyone to talk the fear and adrenaline down. I surfed blogs, finished a suduko puzzle and wondered what to do next. I was still shaking an hour later. I ended up laying back down, repeating calming words to banish the monsters under the bed. To strip them of their power over me and find the Angel with her hand on my head…
Om namah shivaya
May i be peaceful
May i be free from discontent
May i be peaceful
May i walk the path of wisdom and compassion
May i be understanding
May i learn to listen
May i be open
May i respect all people and myself
May i be patient
May i be loving
May i practice loving kindness
May i be peaceful
May i be courageous
May my life be filled with joy
May i be at peace
May my heart remain open
May i awaken to the light of my own true nature
May i be healed
May i be peaceful
May i be a source of healing for all sentient beings that touch my life
I don’t know when I finally slept…but it was difficult to want to go to bed last night….I’m not sure it’s over.
That’s the crux of it…I’m looking for that deep, 4 channel experience with another. For complete surrender with another. I’m close…but it’s not automatic. I’m still guarded.
We talked about my date who is married but bailed because of some last minute changes….these conversations always seem to morph into something completely different….
guess I still have some issues with being comfortable in it all.
I rarely copy and past chat conversation…but this…well I need to examine it more closely.
What is it really…finely veiled jealousy?? Not sure. Perhaps it’s nothing more than perceived “position” in non monogamous relationships. No matter if we have that spot 100% od the time…we perceive our cup of intimacy as full or needing more. It’s the perception of needing more and how much we really need that throws us.
I may add to this as I think more on it…..but below is the text
~~~~~~~~~~~
Him: But attached and lyin right? Not judging just sayin…
Me: Yep. No judgment….but I already know I don’t get what I need from married or attached men. Period. And that’s ok too as long as I remember that fact when I want to get some and they can’t. So really, it’s all about my pussy with him and that’s fine. As long as I can digest it….friends out of it is nice too.
Him: Karma factor?
Me: Not sure. It’s not my lie. And that is the dilemma isn’t it? But we all do it, right? I mean…it’s called sins of omission….not ‘pushing’ the issue in someones face? Like you not telling C we sleep together, like me not telling a guy we sleep together, and like S not telling B he and I sleep together.
Hmn: yeah
Me: how much is my karma how much is his? And how much do we force down another’s throat in the interest of honesty?
Him: beats me, lol
Me: In this case he can know everything….simply because he is married. There is nothing to ‘loose’ and that’s key…when we think we have something to loose out of it.
Him: Exactly. You do what works in the moment and it comes out like it comes out – that simple
Me: well yes…the downside is that it works better with honest communication and acceptance without sacrifice of who we are, who they are, and what they/we want. What bums me about it sometimes…not all the time tho….I have to guard the lie too. And that’s ok most of the time…I won’t betray anyone. But it puts a damper on where we are and how we enjoying each other. I love PDA…So it turns into worry about…will B see us holding hands someplace? Will C see us somewhere being ‘familiar’…will someone drive by somewhere and see us kissing?. That’s the bummer. Because it prevents us from being with each other at times. Most of the time I’m good with it because “feeding” a relationship takes many forms. Big and small…Not “one” thing…
Me: Well I’m being philosophical tonight……lonely I guess.
Me: Like I said yesterday….when S and I are together-we are together…as it should be. When he and B are together-they are together…I don’t purposefully call to infringe on “their” time. It’s why I didn’t want to meet you and C at the restaurant to hand off house keys. It’s what keeps us from crawling over each other for time and attention. We always want to be #1 in that moment when we are with a guy…not talking about taking the “romance” hat off and putting the ‘friend” hat on to discuss a personal issue with another. We operate in lots of modes….Parent mode, roommate mode, friend mode, romance mode. But that intimacy is important….it’s the “food” or returning eggs to the basket that keeps jealously and possessiveness nil. I guess there is a bit of ?? ‘resentment’ ?? and ?? ‘frustration’ ?? in there to be totally honest… I want to feel that your or S’s relationship with anyone else, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me and the time we spend together. Simple. Easy. Joyful. No worries. No hiding.
Mother moon rises lazily, shimmering silver in the eastern sky high above blinking city lights…glittering hotels.
Stretched out on a deserted beach, the cool sand quickly absorbs my heat.
Hustle and bustle fades to the background as I tune to the rhythmic sounds of the surf.
Sky and sea blur and blend seamlessly into no horizon.
Elongating white lines of small waves ripple in an endless dance across undulating water.
No perception, no perspective.
Just the vastness of the sky and sea as one.
forever
moving
I can’t think of anyone who made happier music than these 4.
Have a Happy Monday.
Don’t forget to Love and BE Love. It really does make the world go ’round.
We’ve talked a lot the past week, he and I…my Colorado muse. Allowing me to vent my fears, and at the same time going to great lengths to soothe my increasing angst. I’m walking a line between freaking and being totally ok with all of it. It helps to process with someone who knows me and isn’t afraid to throw ideas back. I depend on him for not allowing much, if any, self indulgent bullshit.
I met his new girl friend the other night. She’s an accomplished artist, smart, funny, attractive, bubbly. He’s smitten. I was tickled when he called and asked if I wanted to go to the gallery for a open house and meet her. Honored he thought of me and also that he wants us to be friends….to become comfortable with one another.
All and all, it went well. She is charming and engaging. We hit it off. *smile* Nothing pleases me more. There were a few awkward moments for me that night though. He and I met at his house and walked to the gallery together. So afterward, we all walked back to his apartment together…he had to let me back in….I have no keys yet.
I have to keep my “friends only” hat on and so I feel…well, strangely guarded. With them making attempts to hold hands and demonstrate affection for each other *giggle* So very cute. I felt a bit of a block about it…feeling hesitation on their part or perhaps on his part. I don’t want to be “interference” between them. The other uncomfortable moment was when we all got back to the house. I generally spend the night but faltered some…bringing in a box of plants, and then grabbing my stuff…asking him to walk me out.
He told me I could stay…It felt a bit weird. I put my stuff away as they strolled off to the beach for a late night walk and promptly fell asleep in the couch. Back an hour later, we crawled into bed. When he drew me close, asked if I was ok and kissed me sweetly….well I was touched he’s going to such lengths to be so tender and caring.
All of this is so new to me. How often does anyone live with a long time best friend, on and off again lover, and meet their “new” romantic interest? *laughing* Yeah maybe we know and approve of the others dating and sexual encounters. But neither of us have lived with another who really wanted to embrace this which we both believe. That what happens with others in no way affects our time together or our friendship. That being loving and kind in any relationship depends on how we interact with each other. Not others involved in our lives. And that ultimately, those who we love enhance…not take away from anything.
I need not be fearful…not because I don’t trust him with my heart and the friendship. But because it feels terribly disrespectful not to do so.
I am grateful for being handed an experience which will help me grow.
The past few days, I’ve become acutely aware of my internal dialog and re-action when dealing with major decision making. I’m allowing this move and my perception of “what could”, get in the way of feeling at ease with it all.
It’s a chronic pattern with me. One which almost never deviates.
I make a decision. I feel good about the decision. For a while.
And then a few days later, I invariably spend an inordinate amount of time questioning my sanity in the what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking-I must-be-nuts, syndrome. It’s not that I don’t trust my intuition. I do. It’s just that I more easily listen to that sudden, situational “gut feel” to tell me what’s up in any given situation. But apply that to my conscious decisions on a longer term scale…much, much harder. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I;ll talk myself out of anything. I don’t despite my best efforts to do so. I end up sticking to the original plan….variations of the theme notwithstanding. But…
Each and every time, doubts turn to fear as I question the “what ifs” and the “what could”. those words…”if”, “could”, and “might” play over and over in my head despite the fact that I know, I know everything plays out perfectly. The theory is simple. When I struggle instead of accept, I suffer.
I also know without a doubt we are given exactly what we need each and every time…each and every experience serves to teach and provide lessons for personal growth. Each and every lesson is an opportunity. We don’t always realize it at the time. We may never be fully cognizant. But it’s there all the same.
The “why” I get stuck is particularly important to me right now simply because I’m so acutely aware of my feelings surrounding this move. Maybe it shouldn’t be a concern. Perhaps it’s more important that I saw myself struggling and realized I shouldn’t. That there are endless opportunities for learning here. But all the same, wouldn’t it be so much easier to go from making the decision and handing it over….having a bit of faith in the process….without all the middle angst?
Padma. Purity of the body, mind and spirit.
 | Ashes to ashes, dust… on Final Advice- |
 | Rosa on Regrets |
 | Yvonne Raphael on …and other stuff goin… |
| Yvonne Raphael on a few small things |
| The Life Of An Intro… on introverts |
Sands of Time 
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