Show Me the Balance

Posted on Saturday, 10 January, 2009 by Rosa

So where it is?

Where is the line between being able to honestly express feelings and biting my tongue to be kind, loving and supportive?

Do I say nothing at all?

Do I just reserve it hoping it doesn’t fester later?

Or is it all about someone else not wanting to hear they fucked up?

My lesson is life is continual work on monitoring my re-action and thinking before I speak. I get that.

BUT, There is some bullshit in all of this for me. Everyone else is allowed to express themselves….say whatever the fuck they want whenever they want…in the name of speaking the “truth”.
But I’m told not to take anything personally. I can’t be this or that, or feel this or that, I can’t say this or that in this way or that way.

Can I never express how I feel?

Do I *always* have to monitor myself simply because another person doesn’t want to hear what needs to be said?

You would rather have me do a slow simmer and then punish you in some other way later. No, you would rather I have no reaction. Sorry, that is not always possible.

Better I say what I mean, get it over with, and move the fuck on…let it go.

For whatever reason, you are not supposed to be here today.

Fine.

I think I am allowed to be angry you missed your flight, and disappointed over you not getting here today. But I’m not going to let it linger too long either.

Could you have a little trust that I won’t remain angry for any length of time?

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All Clear

Posted on Sunday, 4 January, 2009 by Rosa

journal entry from 4 January 2008: sitting on the beach listening to the sound of the surf

mandala

There are many times during the day I end up scratching my head, perplexed as to *why* I am standing in one place unable to remember exactly what I had in my brain. It’s a not knowing where I was or where I was going kind of feeling. A moment of blankness. What *was* the last task and what is the *next* task.

It annoys the hell out of me. Really annoys me. I’ve been quick to blame these lapses on my stroke almost two years ago. A random but continual synapse misfire. I realized today that may or may not be true.

I’m not sure it matters.

It seemed critically important today-a sudden flash of intuition-when this happens I need to take a moment and clear my mind; open myself up and not shut myself down by becoming frustrated, angry or annoyed.

This “break” is designed to guide me and I need to tap it. There is nothing what-so-ever wrong with a blank mind. It’s an advantage. It’s what I strive for during meditation. Nothing at all and what comes next…

Perhaps this is just the touchstone I have been looking for…

Posted in Meditation, Tending the Garden | 1 Comment

Sacred Life Sunday – The Child in Me

Posted on Sunday, 4 January, 2009 by Rosa

Sacred Life Sunday

Thank you for treating me as the child I am when I stumble and fall….for not seeing me as I sometimes see myself….as a failure and unable to learn the lesson….But as simply needing a hand and guidance to find my feet….for continuing to love and accept me for who I am and who I can be.

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Blue Plate Special – Make it Count

Posted on Sunday, 4 January, 2009 by Rosa

blue_plate_special_sign

And in the end it’s not the years in your life that count.

It’s the life in your years.

Abraham Lincoln

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Mastery Throught Accomplishment – Breathing

Posted on Saturday, 3 January, 2009 by Rosa

Reach between each breath for the next step.

We’ve been running.  Ok, only a few times now.  It’s about three miles and one day I will be able to run the entire distance. Practice makes perfect, right?  I also don’t particularly want to smoke when I’m done.  It feels….dirty and negating the effort i just put forth.

I really have to push myself to run half the distance.  But since that’s about one and a half miles, I’m pretty pleased overall for such a short time.    Dayum!!!   My ass hurts in places I never knew I had muscles.  Oh wait…that’s the point….actually having muscles in my ass. *laughing*

The first time I was pretty concerned about my breath.  On trying to get the breathing ‘right’.  He told me not to.  To just be with it…take note of it.

The last time we went…and this was the 2nd time…I tried his instruction to not moderate my breathing just as he told me. That worked pretty well and seemed to smooth out on its own.  Good.

At the same time I was concentrating on my breath a few blocks into this run,  something else happened….I felt myself reach BETWEEN my ragged breath for a push.  Strength in the next step.

There’s something else in this tho…wanting to carry this concept into other areas.  I just never put this together to carry it into the bedroom.  Hell I meditate.  Why not?

He wrote something that make me take note a few weeks ago about watching your thoughts while engaged in sex.  Just the same way you might watch your thoughts doing anything else.

So I took this into the bedroom.  Curious to see what would or could happen.  It started by just being more aware of my breath sucking his cock.   I lost myself in it completely….the sensation…wetness…my lips…smells…his fullness…pulsing…heat…throbbing…a stroke…his hands on my face…clutching my hair…skin….

55210328_4fda01f362

I have to tell you….It was…nothing short of incredible.  More so than usual.  You who already do this….know…

I’ve been chronically accused…well, not in an ‘accusatory’ way…more of him being able to feel that I ‘hold back’.  Of not being able fully let go.  He’s right.  I’m not sure what scares me so about this.  But it does.  I just want to surrender into all of it. It’s the vulnerability of it all.  How women give sex and want love and how hard that is to separate; at the same time knowing full well the better the connection on multiple levels, the better the sex.

Attachments are so very messy to deal with.  How then to ignore *those*, and just give into it without all the expectations we tend to place with such an intimate act?

I need more practice.  *grins*

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Resolution-Less

Posted on Saturday, 3 January, 2009 by Rosa

At some point, and I think it was a few years while puzzling over what to do with last New Years exercise equipment a la dry cleaning rack that I gave up on the whole New Years resolution list idea.

Those dammed lists…

It’s not that I find the introspection and reflection and goal setting to be so…bad.

I have issues with most ‘obligation’ even if it is self-imposed obligation.

Obligation is stressful.  What if I don’t realize that ‘goal’ or crap out on that ‘obligation’?  Have I automatically ‘failed’ in the effort?

Better I think to approach this whole New Years thing with the idea that yes, we affect change in our lives if we want.  BUT life is ever changing, we are ever changing.

Ok, there are some things I want to do in the next year.
Some changes I want to see both in myself and in my life.

But I am not making any ‘promises’.  Not to you and not to myself. I am NOT resolved (I’ve come to hate that word).

I’ll do the best I can.  But that might change to.

How do you handle the whole New Years resolution battle?

Got a list?

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on being a brat and respect

Posted on Thursday, 1 January, 2009 by Rosa

well…I guess I got what I deserved….OUCH…my ass hurt for quite some time after he was done with me.

I knew he was annoyed (even tho he denied it ), when I was asked why I wasn’t going that night.  When asked the 2nd time it was pretty obvious he really didn’t want to know but wanted me to voice whatever the hell was going on.  I could have lied but didn’t.  So I told him.  Softly.

*sighs* He was pretty terse and immediately dismissive.  Clearly wasn’t going to let me talk or hear what I wanted to say, I was pretty sad at that point, thinking  that one of my best friends can’t and won’t hear my viewpoint…my feelings.

I shut myself in the bedroom for a meditation. Really needed to ferret out what the hell was wrong with me still having some anger over what shouldn’t really matter.  I could hear him typing so hard I thought he was going to break his laptop.

In my meditation, I felt that although I was *allowed* to feel whatever it was bothering me, I had in fact been mean. Ok, I get that.  But no, having him as a common denominator in my life does *not* mean she gets to dig around when we are alone,  and ask inappropriate personal questions about him.  She’s asking me to breach a confidence. That and it’s not her business.  She wants what she wants and is trying to find a way to get it. I get that.

While I was washing his back *wink* in the bathtub later I was ordered to strip and lay on the bed and wait for him.  I had a moment where I gulped hard. But I did what I was told.

Yeah he beat my ass but good.  I was in tears pretty easily…usually this is much more erotic, but he didn’t stop even when he *knew* it HURT and I was already crying.

No words really needed.  I did however, promise to be behave.

Felt really bad and still teary after my really good fucking.   Yes I could change my mind  about going.  I sent her a quick e-mail apologizing and asking for some graciousness wondering if I was still welcome to come after being an ass.  She sent a gracious reply.  I had a great time.  And looked pretty hot in that backless dress if I do say so myself. *wink*

He and I went walking around town in the early morning to do some women and hooker watching *laughing*.  We even stopped at one of the local bars for a few dances.  We talked a bit about me being uncomfortable. And he gave me some suggestions in a she’s not going to change so you need to kind of way.  So I got to do what I had wanted anyway.  *smile*  That made me feel really good.

I had this whole post written….and deleted it all but the beginning here….because it doesn’t really matter.

*sighs*

The truth needs no defense, no justification.

Lightbulbs go off at the most unusual times.

We were talking this morning about my friend Scott coming next week and how he can make his schedule work so that he’s gone some of the time so Scott doesn’t have to put out for a hotel room.  After all he is my friend.

I was busily trying to protest, when I was told to shut up…he knew what I was going to say…. and that I really need to *let* him do what he *wants*,  since he could.  That it all about consideration and friendship and RESPECT.  Nothing to do with the fact that this schedule will probably to work because of prior work related and personal business reasons.

Oh Fuck….yeah it clicked.

I just have not been very respectful or considerate or much of a friend with my recent behavior.  It has little to nothing to do with her other than not being unkind.

It has everything to do with not paying attention, being caught up in some minor jealously, and also not taking the time to listen and to be RESPECTFUL.

Ok, I don’t get the jealously. We don’t have that kind of relationship.  And normally I am one of the most non jealous people I know.  Well I think I am.  So that needs some introspection. I am not going to beat myself up over it.  But I am going to examine it later.

Right now, he is in the tub.  I’m here crying.  I am such a brat. And ungracious.  I am a bit sad and embarrassed  that I showed this side of myself…what I consider a failing…to him.  But I do know…that he loves me anyway.  I am so glad I have such a understanding and accepting friend.

I’m off to the beach…..

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Protected: on not playing well with others

Posted on Sunday, 28 December, 2008 by Rosa

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Tapestry of Friendship and Love

Posted on Sunday, 28 December, 2008 by Rosa

millefleur_tapestry
The strings of my friendships are long, colorful and woven tightly with love.

Gene and Scott, I think of this when I think of your enduring friendship, with which I have become a kinder and more loving person.   I am blessed.  Thank you.

And a youth said,
– Speak to us of Friendship!
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love
and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger,
and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear
not the “nay” in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the “ay”.
And when he is silent your heart ceases
not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts,
all desires, all expectations are born and shared,
with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most
in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber
is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship
save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure
of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth:
and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend
that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need,
but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Khalil Gibran

Posted in Gratitude, Sacred Life Sunday | Tagged , | 2 Comments

a day in the life

Posted on Sunday, 28 December, 2008 by Rosa

It’s been a long time since I walked Waimanalo in the morning.  I was going to post a picture but…well it always looks like my header here so….

This morning, I forced my lazy ass out of bed and left in plenty of time to walk the mile or so down the beach and get turned around before the sun rose over the water.

It’s one of my favorite places to meditate.  There’s magic on that beach.

Must be the holiday, but there were only a few – 3 – others wandering around in the dark waiting for the sun.  Usually there are plenty of campers too.  But not this morning.  Suits me fine to have this  beach nearly empty.

I didn’t find anything spectacular despite the rough weather we’ve been having.  Actually I didn’t find anything at all.  Doesn’t matter.  Just needed to BE there to greet the sun.  Makes my day noticeably brighter.  More alive.  And I am more…kinder and gentler I think, as a result.  I need to get out there more often.

I walked a little over a mile up the beach and then back.  Oh my aching legs.   My roommate took me running yesterday.  Shit…I am soooo out of shape.  Well, after that 3 miles….and realistically…only a third of it was “running”, the rest split between fast walking and strolling….I was even more sore after my 2+ mile beach stroll.  Took me just over two hours including a short meditation.

On the way back I stopped at Makapuu.  There’s lots of coral and better shells there.  I always end up finding something to bring home.

Silly girl, why do you need more stuff from the beach?

Cuz it makes me happy. *smile*

makapuu

I stopped at the overlook not far from here as well. Got to see a couple of whales.

Between my walking this morning, and then a few hours in the sun this afternoon on the beach…I’m beat.

At least I only have 3 days of work this week.

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For Thanks Giving Day

Posted on Thursday, 27 November, 2008 by Rosa

If you’re not playing this you outta be because it just isn’t Thanksgiving ’till Arlo sings.

Hope you are taking a moment to Give Thanks today because we all have something to be thankful for.

Posted in Lost in Paradise | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Nada

Posted on Friday, 21 November, 2008 by Rosa

As in nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Absolutely totally neutral.

I thought  I might be able to dredge something up if I tried hard enough.

I got this e-mail on November 11th…

Thinking of you . Hope all is well.  B

You see, November 11th was the day we met.  At a birthday party of a mutual friend. We always celebrated that day in addition to our anniversary.

We haven’t communicated for two years.  Ever since the divorce papers were signed.  My 50th birthday.  Officially signed by the judge on 2 January.

And before that, only a handful of e-mail exchanges between us for the previous year.

We’ve spoken twice in the past three years.

November 11th 2005. We hadn’t been separated long….a few weeks.  We had a date.  You know, the day we met.  He called me in the late afternoon.  He couldn’t go.  He was too upset.  We didn’t speak for well over a year.

The next time….On the phone while I was in Hawaii on vacation the following December.  He called to tell me he had sent the papers to be signed and needed them back in a few days.  I told him he had to find a way to get them to Hawaii or he was out of luck.

Was talking to a friend about it the other day. Told him I felt…nothing.  Absolutely neutral.

Not as in I don’t care.  As in ambivalent.

It evoked no emotion whatsoever. None. Nada.

I always wondered what would happen. How I would feel.  If I was really done with it.

You know, sometimes you think you are.  Then WHAM, outta nowhere, something triggers a really strong emotional reaction that  knocks you back a few feet, and you spend days or even weeks wondering where the hell that came from.

I spent the last week thinking about it.  Trying to dredge something up out of the recesses of our 15 years together…

I got nothin’.  Absolutely totally neutral. There’s just nothing there.

I sent this back:  Hope all is well.

Polite. Neutral.

Posted in Along the Continuum | Tagged , | 1 Comment

conversation with a dead man

Posted on Monday, 17 November, 2008 by Rosa

I stopped as I always do. It’s been two years…I can’t say how many times…but every time I was there I made sure to stop.  Sometimes to smile and let him know he was missed…still loved.   As do others on a regular basis. But it’s more than paying our respects. Much, much more….returning for counsel from a dear and trusted friend.

I stopped that day…23 September 2008…just over two years since his death. Sure, I sent along gifts and my love with friends a few times…bits of coral or shell, but this was the first time since I left Colorado 13 months prior that I had the opportunity to sit with him again.

I took in the other remembrances left by family and friends. A small motorcycle. A flag. A replica of his house in a nearby town.   Bits of rock.  One from the footprint of the Elliot fire…named for the last one he was able to attend.  One from the footprint of a burn caused by my work truck some 11 years prior.  The two pieces of coral I gave to friends as a reminder for him.  Never forgotten.  I placed another piece in the corner on the polished stone marking his grave.  And faced him cross legged on the warm ground.

My friend stood at the truck parked near the entrance to the cemetery a few feet away.  Watching and waiting. I’m not sure what he thought. We didn’t really talk about it…at least not in any way that I remember. Not about what happened that day.

I was already teary eyed when I asked.  What should I do Dale?   I still have each foot in a different world.   Do I come back?  Do I stay in Hawaii?

This is what he said, Well, shit. Back again? When are you gonna get a real fuckin’ job?

I heard myself automatically answer, Yeah, yeah…my job is to make your life as fuckin’ miserable as possible.  What is it you don’t get about that, after all these years?

I heard his laugh and saw the sparkle in his eye…

And at that moment, I knew what was in my heart.

But didn’t want to admit.

What you’ve always known about me.

Without a doubt.

There is no other choice. Not for me.

If life is all about passion. This one is it.

Pinon is my heart…

Always has been.

It’s not about you, or him, or the deep unending love I have for both of you.
It’s not about proximity to my children or my friends, or all the goods things I like about Hawaii.
Or the not so good things.

It’s about the lover who stole my heart in the night.

On some level it’s really not even about Rosa.

It’s about the woman who runs with knives, dances under the stars and sits on the edge of the canyon. It’s about the woman who calls to the owls at night, visits the ancients high on the hogback and walks in silence. It’s about acceptance of who ‘she’ is and being alone in it. It’s about one woman in love with a landscape so enchanting…that she cannot turn that love away…

Like wheels set in motion on the beach in Waimanalo nearly two years ago that sent me traveling over the big blue waters to Hawaii….wheels again set in motion talking to a dead man.

No way to know if the path is ‘right’. Who knows how many parallel paths we can choose or where they lead. I do believe however, this path is a ‘righteous’ one.

Tonight this song is you, him, and a lover.

Greenwoman….you asked….

Posted in Life Interrupted | Tagged | 4 Comments

Apartment for Rent

Posted on Sunday, 9 November, 2008 by Rosa

I dropped my roommate off yesterday at the airport.  He’ll be gone for a few weeks to the mainland on business.  I was a bit lonely last night…amazing how quickly I get used to sleeping next to someone.  It’s the skin thing for me.  Utterly fantastic whether it involves sex or not.  It’s the magic of touch that keeps me whole.  I’ll miss it when I find my own place here soon.

I was up in the middle of the night.  As near as I can figure I reached out to throw my arm over him and when he wasn’t there, I woke slapping my hand down on the bed…nothing…took me a minute to come out of the fog of not knowing exactly where I was, why there wasn’t anyone in bed with me and why I was sitting up so very startled .*sigh*

I looked at two apartments today.  A studio on the Windward (east) side of the island.  Well, I didn’t exactly get to look at it.  I waited about 2o minutes and left voice mail for the landlord.  Not wanting to park on the grass, I parked in the drive.  Isn’t that what it’s for?  A car pulled up and when I went over to inquire if she was Melissa the women I was waiting for and if I should move the car…..well, I got stinkeye from both of them and a nasty remark from the young woman about how it would be soooo very nice if I were to move my vehicle out of their driveway.  I apologized, backed the car out and pulled in behind them.   She wasn’t the landlord.   They were renters in the front apartment.  I got out of the car again, looked around and left.  Fuck this.  The landlord called me a few minutes later as I was on my way home.   The neighbor had seen me waiting, and then leaving.   I told her I changed my mind because her tenant was plenty nasty.   I explained that at 51 I need to be somewhere where I don’t have to deal with that kind of attitude from anyone.   I want to be in a  pleasant place with pleasant people.   She said she understood, and thanked me for coming all that way.   Too bad she doesn’t live there.  She was very nice.   I think she understood…that it wasn’t the first time.  At least that’s what I got from her sigh and resigned tone.

I questioned my decision on the way home.  There’s been plenty of times I wasn’t in a good mood…was short with others.  But, I’m going with my gut on this.  I don’t want to deal with stuff like that.

The second place I looked at was a dump.  Not a bad location, just around the corner on the other side of the zoo close to where I live.   Plenty of parking.  But small, about 200 sq feet. Ouch.   Way, way too small.  No closet whatsoever.  Obvious leaks in the ceiling from a bathroom upstairs.  Furnished?   A plastic chair, small table and broken bunk beds.  No room for a couch or chair.   All for the grand low price of $1100 per month.  Nope, not desperate enough to bother.

I’ve dozens of calls and e-mails out.  Most haven’t bothered to return them.  *shrugs*  Welcome to Hawaii.

I know, I know….I’ll find what I need and it will be the right place for me.

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Stranger Sunset Smiles

Posted on Sunday, 26 October, 2008 by Rosa

Ever notice how some people just ooze joy from every pore?  A beacon of light in the darkness is what she was for me.

It’s been months since I had a really bad day.  Not from any particular stress, just one of those days when life…mine…feels fragile.  Where I feel emotionally fragile.

It started with tension between a friend Wednesday afternoon.  And continued well into Thursday as I was still a bit hurt by his abruptness on the phone.  To top it off, I misunderstood plans for a day at the beach.  Normally no big deal…but it all left me in tears and sobbing hysterically in my roommate’s arms later that morning.

It wasn’t any of those things at all.  It was just an I-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-because-everything-is wrong, day of days.  Everything and nothing at all…

Later that day while attempting to meditate and having salty tears again flow freely down my cheeks, I decided to seek some joy in the natural world around me.  I don’t think Hawaii has anything remotely close to a “bad” sunset.   I grabbed my keys, donned slippahs and headed the 3 blocks to the beach.

Head down…unusual for me….down the block, across the street and past the little gray house where hundreds of pigeons flock.   I always stop to gawk.  It’s just such an unusual sight to see hundreds of pigeons coexisting with the cats on the porch and in the yard.

As I started down the last block to the beach I saw her walking towards me…A big, dark skinned woman…she wasn’t walking really, it looked as if she was rolling along…like a wave.  The top of her moving in one direction, the bottom half in another direction, but oddly enough both halves in tune with each other…undulating in perfect harmony…fluid….

Her hair, piled high on her head was bound with a wide scarf matching her dress. Her dress the colors of the sunset. Bright to dark oranges swirled with a dark sunshine yellow, and flecked with lapis blue.  I’m not sure what took me by surprise; her walk, her dress, her ‘light’, or whole of who she is.  I found myself staring…thinking what she projected towards me…peace and happiness, laughter, sunshine….and then….I found myself slowly smiling at her, at those thoughts.  When she smiled back…well….I had the feeling she knew now much I needed her infectious smile, her joyous and radiant light.  And also that she knew I was grateful for it.   I could feel myself lighten. *smile*  I’m sure too, it showed.

She meant more than the sunset that night…pretty close to the picture above…stunning…but not near as much as my smiling sunset stranger.  Funny…I’m split on this….I hope I see her again….I hope I don’t.  *shrugs*

I’m grateful for being allowed to ‘see’.

Sacred Life Sunday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Greenwoman…..perhaps so….

Pele

Pele

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