next….

Posted on Sunday, 8 March, 2009 by Rosa

at-rest

It’s been a difficult month.  With my roommate and cherished friend, long time I don’t know what to call it relationship that’s not a “relationship”…moving back to the mainland and once again being alone…well, depression is so insidious…slithering in…causing me to hide beneath layers and layers of no motivation, tears, semi-helplessness, and neediness.  Everything but sleeping is a strain.

The weather hasn’t helped.  It’s been mostly cloudy and rainy, with only a few short breaks of sunshine.  Barely enough to get to the beach and stretch out.   I don’t feel like driving to the other side of the island to get some sun.

My guest for the week.  *sighs*  I should know better.  Really.  What the hell was I thinking that this man would actually be so respectful as to take what I say seriously about not fucking?  About not wanting to fuck *anyone*.   Of course, his dick was hard so I was supposed to accommodate for no other reason than he wanted it.  That and he’s fantasied about me for the last 15 years. I was gracious but FIRM on my NO…made lots of jokes…kept it light.  But honestly…how fucking rude?  Gentleman?  I think not.  I am very used to sleeping unencumbered with men I like, men I love, where it’s all about comfort and skin time without a lot of pressure to perform…My mistake was thinking it applied to everyone because that’s the way * I * wanted it…

I felt a bit sad for my friend.  He was a pretty dynamic person with a great job and a great future.  Now?  He’s still retained his sense of humor but he’s ridiculously apologetic for everything, overly worried about what everyone else thinks, has an entry level job paying less then dirt, no ambition to do anything different, no application of his smarts to reality, clearly desperate in his self imposed celibacy, and has let his health go to shit.  It’s not a pretty picture.  I can’t even begin to think how that happens.  He gave up drinking, smoking, gambling and chasing women (not that I chasing women is such a bad thing mind you).   Such positive personal achievements.  But I see no “fight” and “feisty” left.  He admitted in not so many words that he has no future, nothing to offer.  So he doesn’t.  And that puzzles me.

He served as a mirror for me in a lot of ways.  Mostly on what I bring to the table in relationship.  I’ve been questioning my “worth” in that arena the past few months.  After all…I am single.  And sometimes I wonder why…am I too picky, am I grossly unrealistic, am I too harsh with others, do I not have enough to offer? Clothes, looks, hair, body, stuff, money, house, car…..WTF?  Why do I have so many close men friends who don’t want *me* as a partner?

Anyway…I looked at my friend and then looked at myself.  Partly in fear.  Partly as an answer to my constant questions and personal perception of  “worth”.  I realized more than a few things about myself.  Or rather…they came bubbling to the surface the past week.

Over  the past year but starting I think with the end of my last marriage three years ago, “self  worth” seems to have been predicated on what others think is “normal”, the ideal “desired state” in our society, and “for them”.   Marriage, partnership, home ownership, etc.  I’ve allowed that to manifest into more than a few insecurities and it’s resulted in some deep sadness thinking I will never again find a partner.  It’s also resulted in some behaviors I don’t particularly like in myself.  One of those has been a vague feeling that at times,  I try to be what others want.  I try too hard……

Because of this…and I suspect it’s true for many, I’ve replaced not wanting to become “attached” or rather, sucked into another eyes closed relationship with distractions by way of fucking.  Not that fucking is bad.  I’ve never believed it to be.  But, I crave deeper.  And these days I crave deeper than I thought possible.    I can’t seem to satisfy myself anymore with just the fucking.  Hell, I don’t even want it…Don’t get me wrong.   I am NOT “saving myself” for my true love.   I Love Sex.  But not without the passion that makes it all worth it.  Not lust. Lust is not enough.   It’s the depth of two souls meeting I crave.

I’m not perfect and have never claimed to be.  I do however, work pretty hard on being a better person.   More kind, more loving, more understanding.  Less reactionary, less swearing, lol.    That’s not wrong in itself, but trying too hard to be what others want, is.  And it is born out of my (false) insecurities over ever finding a partner.

Most importantly….Yeah, I bring lots to the “relationship” table.  Lots.

Some of the questions my Colorado Muse asked me that I had no previous answer to are:

What do you love doing?  Where is your passion in life?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

What is it you really want out of “relationship”?

How do you want to live your life?  List everything….

I think I’m ready to stop avoiding the answers because they clearly point to what I’m *not* doing right now.  It’s also why I also decided this week to not stay here in Hawaii.  I’ve done the internal work I needed to do the past 18 months.  It time to move along.

Posted in Along the Continuum, Mastery Through Accomplishment | 1 Comment

pedestals

Posted on Saturday, 7 March, 2009 by Rosa

redkite-14

I can’t be your hero. I know what you said and it touched deep in my heart.
But I can’t be. I can barely maintain flight some days, let alone soar in the way I need…the way I desire.

What happens when I falter and fall? Do I become less in your eyes? Do I disappoint?

Not something I want to do. I disappoint myself at times.

It’s not about me feeling worthy or not worthy. It’s more about expectations attached to being on a pedestal. What are yours for me, placed so high above? And how far I can fall without even knowing….

Posted in Lost in Paradise | 1 Comment

Heading out….

Posted on Friday, 6 March, 2009 by Rosa

I don’t know where, yet

The greater southwest

New Mexico

Arizona

Southern Cali

Maybe the Northwest coast

I know I’m done with what I needed from here

And it’s starting to feel too lonely

and too frenetic at the same time

I need to drive

from somewhere

to anywhere

and everywhere

and then back

to nowhere

You can’t do that on an island….

Posted in Along the Continuum, Lost in Paradise | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Blast from the past

Posted on Saturday, 21 February, 2009 by Rosa

I met him my first day of work back in December ’88.  I took a break for almost two years when my youngest was born, and it was time to get back into the workforce.

I didn’t know anyone of course, being my first day and all.   It wasn’t my first job in printing but it was my first at a daily newspaper.  Wow…what an amazing pace.  I was working swing shift, something I was not used to with three children under 8.  I was tired and it showed. So here I was alone, eating a sandwich and sucking down coffee in a feeble attempt to stay awake when he came into the lunchroom.

Long, graying hair, short, slightly on the heavy side. Friendly smile.  Introduced himself as Jim.  And then asked me if I wanted to kiss him under the mistletoe.  Not unusual since it was the week before Christmas.  The mistletoe was hanging from his belt. *rolls eyes*  Shit, that made me laugh. We quickly became buddies.  Smoking buddies, drinking buddies, after work and weekend buddies when time allowed.

I always find myself in these alternative-can’t-really-be-described relationships.  We never fucked.  Wanted to many times, but it never worked out that way.  When one of us was free, the other wasn’t.  But we fooled around as often as we could.  Oh it was lots of kissing and oral, grab ass, innuendos and laughing.  He had this jacket I wanted.
A light gray nubby wool with black and burgundy flecks.  He would laugh and tell me I knew the deal-it was mine for some bed time.   I couldn’t.  I was married….but I did think about it more than once *laughing* I really wanted that jacket…and him.

I moved to part time to accommodate school, he moved in with his girlfriend.  One night a few months later, I got a call at two in the morning. I want to see you. What are you doing? I had to tell him I was occupied and wouldn’t be available any more.  We remained buddies but  life changes….  And then one day I came into work and I heard he quit. Poof.  Gone.

So last week surfing around Facebook, I did my cursory, I wonder if so-and-so is still around.  Bingo.  First hit. Sent an e-mail.  Kiss me under the mistletoe…it’s hanging off my belt.  *laughing*  Turns out he lived here many years ago and vacations here 3-4 times a year.  So what the hell?  He’s coming to stay for a few days next week.  He was headed here anyway.

So what do I really know about my old friend Jim?  We haven’t talked for…20 years or so.  Not much more than I do already except that now he doesn’t drink or smoke.  One brown eye and one blue eye.  Mark of the devil, he used to say.  Had the best repertoire of jokes on the planet. Oh yeah, he’s a Capricorn too.  Loves blues and baseball and laughing.  No wonder we get along.

True to form, he didn’t flinch when I told him that there would be no expectations of any kind from him or me.  But he was more than welcome to be here in the bed or on the floor *shrugs* Makes no difference to me where he sleeps.  We are adults after all and have seen each other naked.  But a sexual relationship or hookup is not what I am looking for.

I have a house guest next week.  And a potential (re)new(ed) friendship.  Cool!

Guess I better get some groceries too.  My fridge looks like that of a single guy…beer, coffee, creamer, cheese and crackers, eggs…not much else. *laughing*

Posted in adventures in Paradise, Life Interrupted, Relationships | Tagged | 1 Comment

Blue Plate Special – Watching

Posted on Monday, 16 February, 2009 by Rosa

Watch your thoughts,

They become your words.

Watch your words,

They become your actions.

Watch your actions

They become your habits.

Watch your habits,

They become your character.

Watch your character,

It becomes your destiny.

Posted in Blue Plate Special, Meditation, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Mastery through Accomplishment – Creativity & Courage

Posted on Saturday, 14 February, 2009 by Rosa

Last week I decided to do it…took another leap into the giving up some of my “not good enough” syndrome.

I carefully trimmed two pencil sketches from my book, bought two nice frames and sent them off to a friend…

During the summer of ’97 I found myself supervising a field crew in a remote work station.  One of the women was teaching herself to use watercolors.  I was fascinated.  I did some sketching as a teen,  but was told pretty often that while it was good, I would never be an “artist”.  Not good enough.

I bought it.  Hook, line and sinker.  Looking back…interestingly enough, I must not have believed all of it…my sketch book *always* found a way into the bookshelf of where ever I landed. Even if I didn’t use it for many years.

In ’99 I asked for the nature drawing book she had from my children for Mothers Day.  And they found it…out of print and used but it was what I wanted *g*.  Bought myself some pencils and began again.  I used the exercises primarily as a tool for honing the other side of my brain. Believing of course I would never be *good enough*, but at the same time acknowledging the exercises have great utility in forcing the other side of my brain to do some work.   It quickly became both a way to get out of my head, and a sharpening of sorts…..looking both deeper and simpler at the world around me.  Learning to trust eye-to-hand without my brain getting in the way…I enjoy it.

I never let my husband see what I was doing.  It was private.  PRIVATE.  Shame.  SHAME.  NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Can you hear that shit echoing around in my head?   There is one and only one person who has seen my journals and my sketchbooks.

When I was cleaning up last week and shelving my books, my sketchbooks came out of a box. I had the overwhelming urge to do something with them.  To share.  To part with…gift..something I created.  And it’s not just that.  The two I framed and sent along….well, I always liked them the best.  I am pleased with them.  I’m *proud* of what I created.

Wow, what a concept.

I think it takes a lot of personal courage to really believe our creativity has *worth*.   Of putting it “out there” and subject to criticism.    Criticism is based on the lack of our own self worth and individual beliefs that although we want to….we believe we can’t.  So we actively level “not good enough”  at the artist, whether it’s from someone else’s, I’m not good enough so you can’t be either, OR our own.  We need to get over our own preconceived notions of 1) how we think it should look, 2) how we want it to look, 3) how others should see it, and  4) if they like it or not.  Wading through it all takes courage to leave oneself open and vulnerable.

Notice I said “criticism” instead of “critique”.  Critique is an art in itself.  It’s support for the artist and the creative process.

I do believe that each one of us is uniquely creative. We need to find ways to work with it. To hone it.  To nurture it.  Doesn’t matter if anyone *likes* it.  It does matter that we acknowledge our individual creativity.

Yeah I finally have some courage about it…..

Posted in Along the Continuum, Mastery Through Accomplishment, Tending the Garden | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

E komo mai. Nou ka hale.

Posted on Friday, 13 February, 2009 by Rosa

A traditional Hawaiian greeting, Welcome here,  come in.  The house is yours, is analogous to the traditional Mexican greeting, mi casa es su casa.

I’ve been working hard the past two weeks to tidy the house after my roommate left, and make it feel mine.  It’s not that it wasn’t comfy or “home”.  We *shared* the space fairly well, all things considered for two semi-loners. *laughing*  One of the limitations here is space in Hawaii (or at least on O’ahu) is awfully tight.  Much the same as any larger city on the east or west coast, and it’s  expensive as hell.  The other factor was neither of us wanted to make the investment of furnishing a place with no clear decision to stay in Hawaii for more than 6 months at a time.   So furnished it is.  You get what you get.

But all in all, it really was more of a  *mans* space.   There are many reasons for that….the first is that he was here for three months before I moved in,  so the house was set up for a singles mans needs.  My sojourn to this apartment was only supposed to be until I found another place more suited than the apartment I previously occupied across town.  I also know that women, as they settle in even for a short time, tend to leave their fingerprints on *everything*.  I didn’t want to invade his space any more than necessary.  Even if it was a clean and organized space unlike most men I know.  There was incredible graciousness in condensing his stuff so I could have space in and on the dresser as well as bathroom cabinet space.  And….I didn’t want it to appear to be a “couples” place because we weren’t.

The entire apartment (large studio) is 500 square feet divided roughly in half with galley kitchen, workspace (‘puter desk) and living room in one section, and the bedroom with bath in the second section.  I say *section* because most apartments (not condos or townhomes) here have either a 3/4 tall wall or sliding louvered doors separating the main space from the bedroom and bath.  That arrangement requires no building permit.  *grins* At least these actually work so the bedroom door can be “closed” for  mock privacy.

The lanai (porch) on this unit is off the bedroom.  It’s kind of a drag…walking through the bedroom to get to the bathroom, or the bedroom to get outside on the lanai….but that’s just the way it is. The lanai is 5x 8 feet and generally including in the “living” space.

Much of my “stuff” was stowed wherever we could make space in the undersized closets and under the bed.  Now I have some room to spread out and take my simple belongings to make a home.  What I brought with me were little slices of my former lives.  A pair of gloves from  my Great Aunt Margaret, a professional dancer.  My Great grandmothers vase.  A perfume bottle belonging to another Great Aunt-my godmother.  The leather and wood treasure box a close friend bought me for Christmas last year.  You know…important *girly* memorabilia stuff.  Two button hooks that belonged to Nana.  A tin from the ’30’s houses drawing supplies and pencils and another with smaller sewing items.  A few handmade baskets, and an arrowhead a friend chipped from the mahogany obsidian I collected in Oregon one year. Of course I have my bigger sewing basket filled with antique lace and silk threads that I’ll probably never use.  But they provide comfort.  A quilt I’ve been working on for the past 10 years.  My Grandmother’s breadbox-I remember that from when I was a child.  A tatted lace tablecloth made by Great Aunt Maude.  And countless pieces of sea vomit…coral, shells, worn glass and various size fishing floats from my sunrise beach jaunts.  My dresser is an alter of sorts that needs some work. He left the Peace banner and Shiva for me.  I have a few plants too.  Orchids.  They are cheap as dirt here.

I hid the TV in the closet. I don’t watch the darn thing and it took up too much space.

Now it feels a little bit more like *me*.   I thought I would share some pictures.  Perhaps all this will give you a more complete sense of who I am and what I work with on a daily basis.  *s*  It’s not perfect by any means.  But it is comfortable. I could live in a more upscale place at a higher price of course. I could rent a room.  But that would require a long lease.  It’s  month to month here now and I’m into being as mobile as possible these days.

Don’t mind the walls…they are mostly bare save for the orange pictures…..but I’m working on it.   The carpet could use cleaning too.  Soon, soon.  Yep it’s an eclectic blend of my mish mash stuff and renters deluxe.    Besides pictures on the walls I need one more thing….a full sized nude mannequin for conversational value and dress up fun. *lol*  Really, I need a mannequin.  Haven’t decided if it should be male or female.

apt-021apt-051

apt-071apt-081

apt-10 the kitchen is behind the chair and it is a mess from the reorg, lol.

bedroom-021bedroom-031

bedroom-01

Posted in adventures in Paradise, Mastery Through Accomplishment, Tending the Garden | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

The Last one

Posted on Sunday, 8 February, 2009 by Rosa

This is a longer version of my last post elsewhere.  All the details would be…well…inappropriate there.  And it’s why I blog here.

wine-glass

They were a wedding gift from my longtime friend, Linda.

A pair of etched crystal wine goblets. She bought them in the little artist community in Guffy, Colorado where she lived at the time.  July 1993. The etching was of the surrounding area…the high Colorado mountains, pine trees, a sliver moon and stars. Hand etched…one of a kind.

When we split I found myself using them often. As is my habit to use things I like. I used my grandmothers china the same way.  As often as possible…lovingly and with fond memories.

There were only a few personal items I brought to Hawaii. The glasses were carefully packed and sent in advance to my friend to stow away for my eventual arrival.  I thought if something happened and I didn’t make it….Well…I had no qualms about giving them to him.

When I opened the box months later…one of the pair had shattered despite all the layers of bubble wrap and newspaper.  Oh well….I poured the wine and handed the glass to my friend as I had done many times before.  This time…there was only one glass instead of two.

There was much symbolism seeing the broken glass that day….

One glass broken.  One intact.  A broken pairing.

Sturdy yet ever so fragile.  A testament to human strength and frailty.

Beautifully etched.  With my life experiences and love.

One of a kind.  Just like me.

I used those wine glasses more in the past three and a half years than the 13 years I was married.  But I think it was more out of  Defiance than love of the gift and fond memories.  Not that I didn’t love the gift and all but honestly….it always annoyed me that he didn’t want to use them.

Even with the one remaining…well, I always made it a habit to hand that one to him.

One week ago:

I couldn’t believe it came out of my mouth.  I told him, I’m going to break that glass tonight.

As the party was winding down, I unceremoniously placed it in a plastic bag and smashed it against the edge of the table. Once to break it. Twice for good measure.

I high-fived my friend.  A knowing look and smile passed between us.

It’s done. Pau. Finally. Three and a half years. I never thought it would take this long.

It felt right to smash the glass. To toss it aside. It was time.

There’s something else at work here….

The party was for my longtime friend,  ex landlord, partner in crime, longtime off and on again over the years when we wanted to…lover of sorts, *grin* and current roommate who moved to the mainland.  It was his last night on island.

He always liked those goblets. *smile*  We drank lots of wine and mead from them when we were both living in Colorado.  And lots more living together the past 5 months here in Hawaii.

You see, we’ve said goodbye before.  Once when he took a job across the country.  Then again seven months later when he moved here to Hawaii from California via Colorado.  Each time I helped him pack and tried to hold back my alligator tears.  *sigh* Once again I remain.  Once again….in his former home.

The broken glass.  Another ending. Another beginning.

Sturdy yet ever so fragile.  A testament to the natures of Friendship.

Beautifully etched.  With love.

One of a kind.  Like each one of us.

Like breaking the glass, I deleted most of my blog at that other place. I started it only months after I split with my husband.  And a few weeks after meeting the man I speak of here.  It was the cathartic outlet I needed.  That blog, and that glass, have finally outlived their usefulness, and now only serve to bind me in the past.

The few posts that hold special meaning…the ones I like the best…remain there.

It feels right.

It’s time to let go and more forward once again…on many levels.

We will always be best friends and life companions. And share Love.

It feels right.

Cheers Sweet G, my longtime friend, companion, lover, confidant, mentor and Love.  May you also find what you seek.

Posted in Along the Continuum | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Posted on Sunday, 1 February, 2009 by Rosa

My blog buddy Shannee addressed these in her blog the other day. *sighs* This resonated so strongly with me, I found myself weeping.
It’s time to look at this as well….to move forward.

* Where do I feel I’ve betrayed my own ideals?

Letting myself fall in love with two men who are very clear they are not emotionally available in a way I need or can have from them, despite their love, genuine affection and care for me. Hiding my feelings from them as to not be annoying and consequently be pushed away….which points to trying to be what they want instead of being myself. Which in turn begs the question of *why* I think I need to be something I’m not to their attention/affection/love.

* What am I feeling really spectacular about in my life?

Being happy most of the time even if I *appear* to be struggling emotionally and spiritually. Even i I’m not smiling all the time.
Allowing myself to *feel* even if I (or others) label those feelings as “negative”.
Being loving and kind to the best of my ability even if the best of my ability varies day by day.
That I can afford to stay in this apartment after my roommate leaves Monday.
Knowing that I’ll always be ok even in my fears.
Knowing that I am Loved.

* What’s feeling really happy in my body?

My legs. I’ve been hiking more for work…over hill and dale…I can feel positive changes in my legs and ass. More strength. I started running with my roommate a few weeks ago but I hold him back. He runs and I catch up. Not productive for him. But I haven’t continued like I was because I hate going alone so much. I need to get over that and just do it. Even if I suck at it and have so little endurance right now. Chop wood, carry water….
My breasts are happy. LOL. No, really. They are.

* Where and in what ways am I holding pain?

My shoulders and my neck on the right side. I’ve was told this indicates I am actively shielding parts of myself from public view….forcing my masculine side outward in a effort to “protect” myself. I get this. I operate on lots of bravado. If anyone has another theory…feel free.
I also hold pain in my sexuality. In my pussy. That I have trouble letting go…afraid to experience that again intimacy…it’s always failed me before.

* What don’t I feel good about-patterns, self destructiveness, shame…etc?

I have a great deal of shame over not being able to let go sexually with my lovers…afraid to experience that intimacy again because it’s failed me so many times. It has become a self destructive pattern of holding myself back with the mistaken belief that no matter what…I will never be “good” enough.
I have some shame about my body. About not feeling attractive enough. *sighs* Not all the time but enough of the time.
I have shame over feeling weak because I don’t exercise enough.
I have shame over feeling emotionally weak and weepy these days.

* In what areas have others betrayed me?

I feel betrayed when others are not honest with me. When they couch terms or omit information. Even though I understand they too desire not to hurt my feelings. And also, not sharing information just because I ask is about their need for privacy than it is about me. It’s critically important for me to cultivate trust and the same total acceptance they have for me….for them to always know that I won’t desert them by withdrawing with my love or friendship no matter what passes between us. Even knowing all this…it still *feels* like betrayal.

* How have I hurt others?

I hurt others with my expectations and assumptions- allowing others to see my personal disappointment. Because of this I really think I give the *impression* no one can do right for me. That they are not doing enough. This isn’t true in the least. Whatever others *choose* to do for me is enough. I’m never disappointed with them, rather I am disappointed with the situation I falsely created in my head about how I *want* it to be..or how I thought it would be.
I do not express my gratitude to them often enough.
I am not soft and understanding enough with them.

* What am I ready to do about it?
I need to think before I open my mouth. To not be re-actionary towards others and situations before me.

* How is my relationship with the Divine/Universe?

I don’t practice my meditation often enough. So consequently I am not feeling as centered as I need to be.

* What do I want to cultivate in my life?

Accomplishment. Love. Abundance. Love. Smiles. Love. Laughter. Love. Acceptance. Love.

* What are my current goals?
I want to learn to fly the glider I was in a few weeks ago. There are many. They need to be addressed separately.

* What am I doing right?
I am learning much myself and my relationships with others.
I am practicing being loving and kind and understanding.

* What am I thankful for?

Family.
Friends – Gene, Scott, Jay, Terry, Joe, Linda, Mead, Nan…longtime friends, confidants and mentors.
My blogging cyberfriends.
My health.
My mind.
Being able to Love.

* Is there anything I’d do over different?

No. That implies regrets. I have only two from a very long time ago. That’s enough.
I really believe that what I am doing… the decisions I make are the right ones for me in this moment….for whatever reason….it is the way it’s supposed to be right now. Learning is everything.

* What do I need to forgive myself for?
For not being perfect. For being me.

Posted in Along the Continuum, Reflections in the Mirror | 5 Comments

My Sacred Life – softer and kinder

Posted on Sunday, 25 January, 2009 by Rosa

Sacred Life Sunday

Remember to treat people the way you wish to be treated, he reminded me.

I found myself responding silently and a bit flip in my own mind…of course…and then a moment later realizing the message is one I need.
He rarely gives me reminders like this…

For all my crankiness the past few weeks they both have been incredibly tolerant AND supportive.
I need not forget to acknowledge and give back, and be a little kinder than necessary. I need to remember to show how much I appreciate them and be softer and kinder to all those who come into my life.

Posted in Sacred Life Sunday | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Those darn strings of mine…

Posted on Saturday, 24 January, 2009 by Rosa

I’ve had some serious energy leakage the past few weeks. I am struggling to keep all the threads of my being from literally tangling at my feet and tripping me as I walk.

I find myself weepy and unable to keep that which holds me together from spilling out from the very core of my being. I can’t pick them up and shove them back in fast enough…let alone keep them all from twisting and knotting in a wretched mess. All I can do is watch..unable….

The life of me is much more frenetic than I can handle right now. I’m left watching…and wanting….Solid ground. Temperance. Understanding. Direction.

Posted in Lost in Paradise | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

*sighs* I'd be insane without music…

Posted on Friday, 23 January, 2009 by Rosa
Posted in Along the Continuum | Leave a comment

Protected: One of these days

Posted on Tuesday, 20 January, 2009 by Rosa

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Dreams before Sleep

Posted on Monday, 19 January, 2009 by Rosa

99-great-horned-owl

In the stillness

between here and now

I hear the owl

whisper my name

beckoning me

along the dusty path

to the canyon rim

where milky way swirls

suspended in the night

illuminate my life.

Posted in Along the Continuum, Dreams, Poetry | Tagged , | 2 Comments

I/you/we/he/she/they

Posted on Saturday, 10 January, 2009 by Rosa

can’t be what you want
can’t be what I want
not now
probably never

I’m tired:

of guarded talk and
walking on eggshells
of being afraid to have a voice
and asking for what I want
or showing my affection
so there are no attachments.
That’s all too easy…all too neat a package….
we as humans are very messy.
That’s life.

when you decide *what* it is you want…let me know

Posted in Along the Continuum, Relationships | 3 Comments