On This Day

Posted on Sunday, 17 May, 2009 by Rosa
How fragile we are

How fragile we are

Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.

Keep a promise. Find the time. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little more.

Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Worship your God. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again.

~Author Unknown~

Posted in Along the Continuum | 6 Comments

Seuss Wisdom

Posted on Saturday, 2 May, 2009 by Rosa

Because I am stuck and not really ready to give complete voice to my process yet…I’m still calling…

Another Life Interrupted moment in time.

Brain in overdrive it seems, despite meditation.  I’m distracted.  Need to look at that and perhaps let it be as “trying to hard”.   Having an expectation out of my own stillness?  WTF?

Shannee touched deeper on something the other day with her simple question of, What was it like?

Which launched me into relaying where we went, but not what it was like.  When I realized that and went back to answer, it was “images of emotion” forming my words.  That’s been niggling my brain for a few months…digging into memories, watching them abstractedly and the *how* of my perception, how I’ve *always* perceived…taking me back to calling up some of those “images of emotion”, not the event per se, or in can’t let go of the past kind of way, but that which bubbled out.  That make any sense at all? Calling all empaths, please report to the white room…

And, still thinking about where all this “life” is taking me. What I really need.  Reading all these insightful posts and chewing hard on some stuff in the, separating needs from wants and desires and dreams and goals department,  and at the same time, not locking myself in.  Examining life changing events with respect to “relationships”.  Something Gillette has been looking at, dynamic between two, inter/intra, personality, habits, and what works.  Where we negotiate and how we negotiate, or choose *not* to negotiate those energy dynamics.  That seems to be a common thread these days.  Realizing I have close friends who strongly and *constantly* call into question opposite-ness in mode, personality, or philosophy…forcing me to examine my long standing mode of operation on a very internal level.  My energy dynamic.  How does that work and not work for me.   How is that intertwined with my current beliefs? What is it I know (if anything)  about myself that are true or stories, core, and mutable. Maybe it’s more about *where* I unsheathe the sword and where I don’t need to unsheathe the sword.  Calling up the feminine and trust in her?

And after all this time….filtering in and out are ideas and perceptions I “thought” was done with…let go of…but then, since they were apparently put away as “stories”…well, you get it…they are coming back out as stories hidden in Pandora’s box and I need to be done with them…release them once and for all.

Girlfriend coming for a week on Monday and preparing to get off island.  Boxes, shipping, car, cleaning…in between trying to revise resumes.  It will be a week of blissful beach time.  I need it before heading back. When I hit LA in three weeks I’m hanging with my fantabulous ex-roomie for a few days and we are going to Disneyland!!  Never been.  Pure, silly fun for two never will be quite growed up, grown ups. Calling in the children.

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.

You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

Concentrating on picking up my feet here…..wondering when I’ll call myself home…maybe it’s all some unrealistic expectation I have needing to feel more done than I do rght now…call it a little bit of seperation anxiety…

Posted in Life Interrupted | 3 Comments

Why do we Shout in Anger?

Posted on Monday, 27 April, 2009 by Rosa

A dear friend of mine posted this on his blog today.  I’m lifting it with his permission, as it was posted.

Thanks Gene!! *kisses*

It’s a simple, beautiful teaching.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** From a colleague in India, verbatim, even with Indian English **

Why Do We Shout in Anger?

A saint asked his disciples, “Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?”

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, “Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.”

“But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?” asked the saint. “Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice?”

Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry? Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, “When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.”

Then the saint asked, “What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…”

The saint continued, “When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.”

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Posted in Relationships, Spirituality | 6 Comments

Our Imprisonment

Posted on Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 by Rosa

I frequently read over at The Naked Soul.  Mark has a wonderful way with words and I find his posts usually pretty appropriate to my muddle through life on this here piece of Terra Firma.

Today’s post was no exception as he talks about our self constructed “Walls”  of protection.  Appropriate, no?

It’s worth a read or two.  As is the rest of his blog.

Posted in Along the Continuum | 3 Comments

Trust as a Feedback Loop

Posted on Monday, 13 April, 2009 by Rosa

Trust issues have been either an outright recurring theme, or one that seems to wiggle in as a continual undercurrent lately in many discussions.  We seem to be individually and collectively exploring the trust we place both internally and externally in “relationship”.  And by “relationship”,  I mean all relationship…..the one(s) we have with ourselves and the ones we have with others.

My comment to Greenwoman recently, Yes, trust in ourselves….at least that’s where I fall down with trusting others.

Well…DUH!  If I don’t have trust in myself, I  cannot cultivate that with another .  It’s only as deep as I allow myself to go.

I have at least two types of trust relationships with myself.  And I’ve never really thought of it this way before.  But the trust relationship I have with myself regarding making a decision pertaining to say…finances or career path or other “tangibles” is pretty strong.  I can “take care” of myself.  I am self reliant.

This however is far, far stronger than the other trust relationship I have with myself when it comes to intimacy with another,  because that one sends me into an immediate tailspin of doubt and second guessing.

In keeping with that train of though, I also have at least two types of trust relationships with others. Trusting someone will show up on time, keep their word, pay back that 25 bucks they borrowed is far different than bumping with *them* in intimacy and Love.

I was temped to say one is more superficial than the other but I’m not sure they are.  They are however different…perhaps they are a “range” along the spectrum, or the other end of the stick as Gillette talks about.

Very simply, we build trust in ourselves based on experience, one at a time, over years . And so the internal feedback loop is started…didn’t work out…internal SMACK,  divorce…Internal SMACK,  bad decision…Internal SMACK,  not good enough,  didn’t love enough…SMACK, SMACK, SMACK….you get it.  And so, each time we strengthen that negative feedback loop and move further away from internal trust.

At the same time:

The lack of our internal trust easily manifests with others as we superimpose those same SMACKs on top of just about everything…especially when it comes to intimacy.

Seems we’re bitch smackin’ the shit out of ourselves all the time.

Is it really that simple?  The less we SMACK ourselves, the less we SMACK others with it; the deeper we can learn to re-trust ourselves and in turn, Another?

Still chewing this one……because “logical” doesn’t always translate for me….

Posted in Along the Continuum, Reflections in the Mirror | 8 Comments

Not on MY Dime-Censorship IS Alive and Well in America at Amazon

Posted on Sunday, 12 April, 2009 by Rosa

Not with my support and HELL NO, not with MY money.

Yes Maynard, it seems Amazon has taken to deranking popular book titles left and right, mainly by GLBT authors,  but also “some” erotica, feminist titles, self help sexuality information type books such as the Boston Women’s Collective, Our Bodies Ourselves.

Criteria please?  It appears to be entirely subjective as there is Pah-lehn-tee of Adult…cough, cough…material… in other titles and DVD’s.  No one seems to be deranking those luscious glass dildos or the ever popular Playboy Centerfold collected photos edition…a magnificent literary classic.

You can read Elizavetta’s post Amazon, Thou Too-Big Corporate Ass is Hereby Boycotted, which is where I learned of Amazon’s actions, since I’m not a twitter tweeter.

This quote, in part, comes from author Heather Corinna:

The books this primarily appears to have impacted are those by gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender authors, young adult or children’s books addressing sexuality, some sexuality books in general (including reference books), as well as some feminist titles.  Some of the titles recently deranked besides mine include: James Baldwin’s, Giovanni’s Room, Annie Proulx’s Brokeback Mountain, Jeanette Winterson’s Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, E. M. Forster’s Maurice, Various, I Do: an anthology in support of marriage equality, Alex Sanchez’s Rainbow Road, The Advocate College Guide for LGBT Students, Kate Bornstein’s Hello Creul World, Milk: A Pictorial History of Harvey Milk, Dan Savage’s The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant, Jessica Valenti & Jaclyn Friedman, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness, Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, Ruth Bell’s Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships, Jessica Valenti’s Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman’s Guide to Why Feminism Matters, Toni Weschler’s Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body, Ellen DeGeneres: A Biography and many, many more.

Additional commentary can be found here:

LA Times Blog; Jacket Copy

Amazon Follies

Is Amazon.com Homophobic?

Please check them out.

Make up your own minds.

But I don’t buy the “glitch” story…

My account with Amazon is done for now…actually it may be done for good.

Posted in Fear | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

mirrors

Posted on Saturday, 11 April, 2009 by Rosa

I’m being handed an opportunity to again be a mirror and be mirrored in Another.

My time for isolation has ended it seems, or at least on this piece of floating rock in the Pacific.

My recent ex-roommate provided that for me and I for him, but I’ve come to realize in the months he’s been gone; I didn’t fully realize the scope of that reflection until *after* he left. There is no good or bad here…I feel pretty neutral about it…as in I’m not beating myself up in hindsight because I *know* we don’t always see the lesson immediately.

I now need sanctuary. Sanctuary in my heart and with the heart of Another.

There is some fear in this for me…the offer was unasked for, incredibly generous, and I was told that it simply won’t be denied. So, there is a part of me that wonders, Why *are* you, of all people, offering your sacred space with the confidence it won’t come to any harm between us? What is it *you* know, that I do not?

There’s a tremendous amount of trust there so I need to take that trust he has in me and in our undefined relationship, turn it inward and let it blossom in my heart because I’m not so sure I have, at least on the surface, the same trust in myself.

There isn’t anything that he’s asked of me that is “unreasonable”. We’re both clear we each want to live alone. This is temporary. Other than that he’s expressly told me he wants no limits on what it is or will be.

He’s asked for me to cook for him, to help around the house, but most of all, to “green” his yard. All I would do without asking anyway, but that he recognizes some of the sources of my joy feels safe and tender. *smile*

And at the same time, he demands the best of me. That’s scary. What if….what if I don’t measure up? Yikes. Honestly, I generally don’t give a shit what others think…I keep pretty good counsel in myself…It’s served me well over the years.

It’s been his (my Colorado Muse) desire for the past three years, to have me be able to completely surrender my heart to him…I have never been able to do that completely. Mostly that’s been a distance factor for the past two years. But still, it has been a source of dismay and personal disappointment to me.

I need to let that go and just let it flower in whatever way it needs.

Here’s where the “yes”, and” and the “yes, but” appear to conflict. And holding ones heart but letting to go with a loss of me in there. How to engage. Where to engage, or not. Eeeeks. Knowing full well this arrangement temporary and it *will* change the dynamic of what we are; I simply don’t know what that will be. Despite some of the challenges living with my ex-roommate, we are closer than we were previous to the experience. Perhaps that’s part of the hindsight lesson I need to take with me as I travel along the next part of my journey.

My biggest task here it seems is not the security or control in finding a job and eventual housing-that’s never been a problem and I don’t view it as such-but being able to look in the mirror without banging my head on it and cracking the darn thing, lol. Because that’s not the image I want projected either. Flaws are fine. Shards are not….

Shannee….thanks darlin’ for providing this place as safe haven. I can’t, for readership reasons, take this into my public blog. XOXO

Posted in Along the Continuum | Leave a comment

The Journey (Part two-Mirrors)

Posted on Saturday, 11 April, 2009 by Rosa

sanctuary175I’m being handed an opportunity to again be a mirror and be mirrored in Another.

My time for isolation has ended it seems, or at least on this piece of floating rock in the Pacific.

My recent ex-roommate provided that mirror for me as I did for him, but I’ve come to realize in the months he’s been gone; I didn’t fully realize the depth of that reflection until *after* he left.  There is no good or bad here…I feel comfortably neutral about it…as in I’m not beating myself up in hindsight because I *know* we don’t always see the lesson immediately.  But overall,  it was good.  It was what I needed.  There was a huge teaching there for me in hidden expectations, assumptions, jealously and unconditional Love.

I now need sanctuary. Sanctuary in my heart and with the heart of Another. However temporary or fleeting.  It is what I need. I need that nourishment.

There is some fear in this for me. The offer was unasked for, is incredibly generous, and I was told I had no other choice in the matter. So, there is a part of me that wonders, Why *are* you, offering your sacred space with the confidence it won’t come to any harm between us? What is it *you* know, that I do not?

There’s a tremendous amount of trust there so I need to take that trust he has in me, turn it inward and let it blossom in my heart because I’m not so sure I have, at least on the surface, the same trust in myself.

There isn’t anything that he’s asked of me that is “unreasonable”. We’re both clear we each want to live alone. This is temporary. Other than that, he’s reiterated he doesn’t want to “define” things between us.

He’s asked me to cook (occasionally), to help around the house,  but most of all, to “green” his yard.  All I would do without asking anyway,  but that he recognizes some of the sources of my joy in life feels safe and tender. *smile*

And at the same time, he demands the best of me.  That’s scary.   What if….what if…I don’t measure up?  Yikes.  Honestly, I generally don’t give a shit what others think…I keep pretty good counsel in myself…

It’s been his desire for the past few years, to have me completely “let go”.  I have never been able to do that completely. Not with him, not with Another.  Not since my marriage dissolved.  It has been a source of dismay and personal disappointment to me on a lot of levels.  I want more than anything else to be able to fully “let go” with him, and with Another, and with/in me.

I need to let that go and just let it flower in whatever way it needs.

Here’s where the “yes”, and” and the “yes, but” appear to conflict. And holding ones heart but letting to go without a loss of “me” in there.  How to engage.  Where to engage, or not.  Eeeeks. Knowing full well this arrangement temporary and it *will* change the dynamic of what we are; I simply don’t know what that will be.

Despite some of the challenges living with my ex-roommate,  we are closer than we were previous to the experience.  How can you not be when you live with another in 500 sq ft of space for 5 months?  It’s not just about personal habits, who uses the bathroom when, over or under, or what they like for supper.  It’s seeing each others icky bits up close and personal and making a decision that most of it is small stuff and it’s not about *us*, even when we *think* it is.

So….nothing blew up, nothing dissolved in flames.  We still Love each other. Deeply.  And, I believe we both have a much greater appreciation, new found respect,  and truer acceptance for each other.   Perhaps that *is* one of the the hindsight lessons I need to take with me as I travel along the next part of my journey.

My biggest task here it is not the security or control in finding a job and eventual housing-that’s never been a problem and I don’t view it as such-but being able to look in the mirror without banging my head from looking too closely, and then breaking the darn thing, lol. Because that’s not the image I want projected. Flaws are fine.  Shards are not. You reap what you sow…

Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

The Journey (Part one-What I Learned on Summer Vacation)

Posted on Saturday, 11 April, 2009 by Rosa

rainbow1

The job interview went well. Or at least I thought so. I won’t know for 2-4 weeks. Still, it’s a moot point. I doubt I’ll be taking it. While I would love to live near the ocean again someday, that someday isn’t now and it’s not in Southern California right now either.

Thinking about this potential job gives me the same solar plexus ache I had thinking about taking a job on the Big Island a few months ago. UGH. It’s not right for me at this moment in time.

There are many “logical” reasons behind my ” I doubt it”.   Although Southern Cal is warm and pretty and has an ocean, it’s as expensive as Hawaii.  Ok, food and gas is cheaper. But housing in the area I would end up is more expensive than Hawaii. I don’t want shared housing with strangers, thanks anyway. That puts me in a 400 sq foot apt for 1400-1500 dollars a month or more, plus utilities. REDICULOUS on a salary of 55K.   If offered, I will ask for more.  If they entertain that idea I will consider.  But this time it will have be on terms I can live with.

True I have no other expenses (car ins, phone, internet and storage in Colorado),  but I do have some debt I’ve been unable to pay.   Even with a lower paying job in Colorado housing is 1/3 the cost.  I’ll be near friends and family, work on that debt, eat better, AND still put some money away for travel, a bike and my camera.

While it could put me back on the mainland closer to friends and family, the truth of the matter is that I will, except for one person nearly 100 miles away, have no friends or family close enough to suit me. And that’s the real reason.
I am lonely for friends and family. I am tired of spending most holidays alone. And I simply can’t continually ask to borrow friend’s families for the occasions. It feels like a huge imposition.

Rather than think I’m nuts to even think about turning down a potential job, I’m going to trust my gut feel…trust the intuition we love to ignore.

So as I pack and ship my belongings back to Colorado I take with me almost two years of introspection, soul work, gorgeous weather, warm salt water,  a host of I Love-I Hate Hawaii experiences and a knowing that this place is fine for a visit but not where I want to live.

What have I learned on my summer vacation?

  • I love, love, love the ocean and the silence in the sound of the waves.
  • Warm salt water is healing.
  • I miss the Rocky Mountains.
  • Small crabs make small holes in the sand and big crabs make big holes in the sand.
  • I will not eat Balut.
  • Papayas and Mangos are great but peaches and green chiles are better.
  • There is nothing like sunrise on Waimanalo Beach.
  • I found my soul in each sunrise on that beach.
  • I found my heart again and it is filled with Love.
  • Acceptance is key.
  • I ask, and I receive.
  • Our dreams are answered in the most unexpected ways.
  • I am strong.
  • I am resilient.
  • I am Human and not ashamed to be one.
  • I don’t like a “heads down” culture.
  • I’m more social than I ever realized.
  • This place is too small for me.
  • My stay here was truly,  Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

There are two biggies here for me:

  • The reflections in the mirror are not always what we don’t want to see, they are always what we need to see; because between all the blinding lights of the icky bits we tend to see with hypercritical eyes,  our internal “beloved” and our “heart” is also reflected in the mirror of Another.
  • That unconditional Love is just that-unconditional.  And as we give so shall we receive.  Mahalo ex-roomie, friend in my heart, for both lessons and for being an unconditionally loving teacher.  *smile*

There’s more…some too much for here right now.  Some not realized yet.  Their time will come.

I will spend the first week of May here with a girl friend of 26 years, playing hostess and frolicking on the beach.  That was a source of anxiety for me until yesterday.  It’s now going to be a source of pleasure.  The week or so after that I will reflect on all the beauty and my stay here.   I will buy a small recorder…I want sounds of a particular beach to take with me….and then I can go with a rainbow of experiences, sights, and sounds that were healing along my path and unique to me…

Pau.  I’m done here.  And it’s all good.  *grin*

Posted in adventures in Paradise | 3 Comments

BE the change you want to see in the world

Posted on Saturday, 4 April, 2009 by Rosa

takethevow-banner

Posted in Passion, Spirituality, Tending the Garden | 1 Comment

Mastery of the Absurd or Pardon Me While I Whine

Posted on Monday, 30 March, 2009 by Rosa

Because Mondays don’t end when you are not working.

It was going well, exceptionally well.  Got up early and did some writing; was preparing to shower, get some boxes packed and off to UPS when I came tripping out of the bathroom to grab a ringing cell phone.  As in who the hell is calling me at 7am?  Oh, maybe the guy about the job.  Time difference and all, it’s after noon there.

As I caught my toe on the edge of the bathroom scale with the box on it in the corner of the hall outside the bathroom and the bedroom  I almost recovered, but my feet somehow got tangled up in my jammi pants.  You know the big silky blue ones with the wide legs and extra long length and the slightly worn out waist?  The ones that hang low on my hips.  The comfy ones. Yeah.

Well, by the time I realized *what* was happening, I couldn’t stop it *from* happening.  Slow motion cartoony thing that it was; banging my ankle on the side of something I don’t know what; arms flailing; down, down, down; catching my right arm with the already strained muscle on the side of the bed as I make one last ditch effort to hurl myself away from the edge of the dresser;  Rrrriiip;  planting the side of my face firmly into the carpet.  CRACK!  ugh.

That was a pretty sickening, sick to my stomach, where did my breath go, UGH.  So there I am face first in the carpet.  The space between the bed and the dresser is just over 2 feet wide.  There’s enough room to lay down but not quite enough to comfortably roll over.

Ok, the lanai door is open and I am groaning. LOUD.  Fuckity FUCK.  My shoulder hurts.  My arm hurts.   Bad.  I want help.  But I don’t want help. Not really.  Besides I can’t get the fuck up to unlock the front door.  If I could, I wouldn’t need help now would I?

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, so I stayed there for a bit until I decided I *really, really* needed some aspirin.  Maybe a painkiller.  At least aspirin.  Rolled myself over a bit at a time by sort of squiggling and inching around on to my back.  Got up and made my way to the kitchen.  Grabbed the coffee cup….opps…no grip.  Not at all. My arm is completely numb.  Fuckity FUCK.  Dug the aspirin out of my backpack.  FUCK childproof caps.  Fifteen left handed frustrated minutes later, 4 aspirin and a gulp of coffee; I am back in bed.

Dozed for a couple hours or so, I think.  Not really sure. G-d my arm hurt.  I tried to breathe through it.  Wanted to get up and find a painkiller but it was less energy to stay in bed and not deal with another childproof cap.  I had three babies natural.  I’m not a wimp.  Honestly, I haven’t hurt like that since I smashed my elbow between the wall and the dresser and passed out three times from the pain.

Feeling a bit better and stripped of the jammi pants that promptly went in the trash, I started fresh coffee.  Just about the time the water was ready and I was rinsing out the carafe, I turned around to grab the ringing cell phone.  Who the FUCK is calling now?  Oh, maybe the guy about the job.  Time difference and all, it’s afternoon there.

My elbow hits the carafe as I turn around, and sends it careening towards the floor.  Was I using my unbreakable french press?  NO.  That’s up in the cabinet because it was too big for just me.  It still might have been ok since there is a nice thick throw rug on the floor, but NO, it bounced off the edge of the counter first and broke. I watched it…another slow mo cartoony thing…glass shards flying everywhere.  Me barefoot.  And why wouldn’t I be?  No one wears shoes in the house in Hawaii.  Kapu. *shakes head*  FUCK.

Picked up all the glass, swept and vacuumed, put the trash together, gathered up the bathroom rug and started laundry.  At least I hadn’t put the coffee in the carafe so it was good to not have to clean up all those grounds as well.  Made coffee.  Ahhhhh.  Finally, some coffee.  Posted resumes.  Really, by then I didn’t even *want* to go out.  Went to put the laundry in the drier.  FUCK.  Did I remember that red rug sheds and bleeds.  NO.  Now the blue bathroom rug is tinged with pink and it’s fuzzy too.  *rolls eyes*  Well, who the fuck cares, no one uses the bathroom but me anyway.

It could have been worse.

The bedroom is carpeted.

My face hurts but I don’t have a black eye or a broken nose.

I had another french press in the cabinet.

The floor was swept and vacuumed.

The rugs were washed.  One is now blue and pink, but it’s clean.

My arm doesn’t hurt much worse then it already did.  Not much anyway.

I didn’t get to UPS but I did get more resumes posted.

I was here for the Fed-Ex delivery. My last check.  Since it’s twice what I expected, covers rent and utilities, I have no worries about being here another month.

I didn’t get gas in the car but I didn’t drive so I didn’t need the gas anyway.

I don’t know who called because it was an 888 number and they didn’t leave a message either time. Fuckers.

Is there a message here?  Some lesson I need to learn?   Nahhhh.

It’s just life.   Absurd.  Just fuckin’ absurd.

This isn’t exactly out of character for me.

Did I ever tell you about the time I fell down the stairs without spilling the mug of coffee all over myself?

Cut myself making salad on Thanksgiving?

Put a needle through my finger with the sewing machine?

I think pride is injured only if someone *sees* you do stoopid shit like this.

There’s always that.  There’s always tomorrow.

Pardon me while I whine.  And I’m out of cheese.  Fuck…

Posted in adventures in Paradise, Humor | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Shrugging

Posted on Saturday, 21 March, 2009 by Rosa

I feel strangely OK with it.  Strangely quiet inside about it all. Not at all typically me.  Frenetic me.  Worrying me. Anxious me.

I was canned from my job yesterday.  Not for anything significant as far as I can figure.  But that’s another “story”, eh?

The PM came in when my supervisor was gone and fired me.  But he didn’t have a thing to do with it he said.  What he didn’t say was much more telling.

It’s not that I don’t care. That he didn’t tell my supervisor until after the fact was wrong.  That he did it while he was on leave was very sneaky and underhanded.  But, done is done, and he knows it.

I could stick a knife in.  But I won’t. The PM is…well…how he uses his inside info for the government bid process for another company is  a BIG ethics violation and illegal as hell.  *shrugs*  He doesn’t need any rope from me to hang himself.  And now, I would be the disgruntled employee to mention it anyway.  *laughing*

Ah well.  Yanno it was pretty easy to gather my stuff and just go.  No tears.  Hugs for coworkers.  Hugs for me.   But really, no tears.  No real upset.  ???

A friend was defensive and ??? angry ???  I don’t plan on filing for unemployment.   The reasons are numerous.  And sound in some respects.  But, I just don’t want to.   I need positive energy to move forward.

After all, I already decided I was done here.  That I would be gone in 6 months.  Looks like it’s happening faster than I thought. *shrugs* Now about mid – May.  A fine time to travel across the land in the “Subie” my roommate sold me (at a bargain price)  before he left last month.  See….things *are*right.  I wouldn’t have made it anywhere in my beater with the tranny starting to slip.

It’s not the most pleasant thing to deal with.  A little embarrassing even.  I’ve never been fired.  Not even separated with an understanding.  Yep, I’m 52.  My profession typically doesn’t pay top dollar.   I don’t have a Masters Degree.  I don’t even have a degree in my working profession.  But it’s passion for me.  But there are more and more environmental  jobs coming available and that gives me hope. I have gobs of on the ground experience and strong skills.  I won’t starve. I won’t be homeless.   And in all of this, I’ve had an offer of help if I ever need it….that offer reduced me to tears.

The point?  Lemonade from lemons.  *smile*

Gillette was talking about emotions and the stories we tell ourselves.  What WE create.   My ex-roommate said much the same when I queried him last night on WHY I wasn’t that upset.  That it was “weird” to be so calm about it all.   He told me that my thought construct about this…the “story”…exactly what Gillette talks about…is very loosely held.   Not tightly held this time.  I’m not entrenched….not caught up in it all.    Not the same as,  not important.

My PM’s story is not MY story.  It never will be.   I can’t change it.   And if I could?  I wouldn’t.

My story, your story, his story…my truths, your truths, his truths.  All different.  All filtered. All colored.

Shrugging is not the same as not caring.

There is another bit to this.  Last week I met with a former boss. One of my most favorite and most respected bosses/men/friends/mentors and overall inspirations.   He’s getting a truly raw deal.  His integrity has been deliberately trashed.   His trust is broken.  He looks beaten.  Acts beaten.  His words are untypically venomous.   But at the same time he’s worried about us.  His team they’ve torn apart along with his reputation.   We talked at length.  From the heart.   He can’t  / won’t hear right now.   He’s entrenched in his “story”.  My “story” for him is far different.  His team…we’re all OK.  They don’t get it.  He doesn’t get it either.  You can’t kill what is rooted inside us…what he taught all of us in the past 15 years…..ethics and integrity…..knowing what is right and just….And then, the guts to stand the fuck up when necessary.   When necessary….

I bit my tongue…..refrained from asking (in my usual sarcastic Joisey way that only Rosa can) when he was going to just SHRUG.  Shrug that weight of the world and shrug worry about us away.  Not, give up.  But rather, how to  think it and do it differently. Whatever the hell *it* is.   Sometimes fighting to the death for a principal on *their*  turf is counter productive. What hill do you want to die on today?  Standing the fuck up on their hill isn’t necessary.  For me either…..

Shrugging is not the same as giving up.

All this has me wondering.

Where is it we split with the multitude of “stories” we tell ourselves?

and maybe more importantly right now for me….

What of those “stories” we tell ourselves about others?

How does that affect our relationships in what it is we *really* expect from others

and true acceptance for other’s decisions

Understanding

Trusting the other is doing exactly what is best for them.

Even if we don’t agree.

I think I’m more hurt and stunned really, by the comments from my friend…

Which also lends itself to some thought as to what stories I’m telling myself about him.  Hmmm….

Where do I need to heal that?   Accept and understand *his* thought construct as well….

I mean, it’s WE who tell the stories.  WE all do it.  Only WE have to power in this regard.

It’s about acceptance of others.

But mostly It’s about trust in ourselves.

And knowing when and where to shrug….

BTW, I’m more annoyed my cell phone blew up yesterday and I had to shell out for another one.

Posted in Along the Continuum, Life Interrupted, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

whaddya call it?

Posted on Monday, 16 March, 2009 by Rosa

My native tongue fails me. There are no words for this, what we do and what we feel.

Society can’t grasp it so there are no defining words….

I know more what it’s not, punctuated by occasional and not so occasional what we do and feel.

It’s not fuck buddies even though that’s how this whole thing started.

It’s not friends with benefits. Although certainly we are friends.

It’s not lovers all the time due to distance. We are lovers when we ‘re together. But we don’t advertise it to others because no one seems to understand we are not a “couple” just because we spend time together.

We have a relationship which transcends best friendship which is not “commitment” or “partnership”.

It has no “romantic” component a la “courtship”, despite romantic moments.

Is deeply intimate. Incredibly…deeply…intimate.

We’re not “exclusive” except when we spend time together. We are available wholly for the other and for what ever it is that we have.

When we want to be sexual we are, but it’s not an expectation….it’s the icing.

So what do you call a relationship that is:

totally open and honest and trusting; where nothing is off limits for conversation; is non-jealous; who are always there for one another; where we seek each others counsel because it feels right to do so although it’s not a “requirement”; who don’t live together and likely will never live together; who demand the best of each other; who make vacation plans together (we’re saving for Greece next year); where there is genuine affection and adoration; is filled with deep respect for each other; where we both know in our hearts we will aways be this way together; neither who will not allow anyone else to change what we have or how we do what we do; where the Love is sweet and whole-hearted and so very strong in the context of what ever it is that we have; and where the “relationship” is easy and doesn’t require much “work”.

I could live without this man in my life. Because I will always live life….

But I don’t want to….

What is it that we do?

Are there any words for it? Is there some term in another culture, another language that fits?

The relationship that’s not a relationship between lovers who are not lovers….

We quite simply Love each other with all our Hearts.

And I’m so damn proud of it.

Yet, it’s sad sometimes….we guard what we do from outsiders-friends and family-because no one understands we still have outside interests that have strong elements of sex and sensuality, conversation, companionship, romance, and emotional or spiritual bonds.  Not that anyone *needs* all the information,  but how to respond aside from best friends or it’s complicated-which it’s really not.  It’s just so dammed different. *laughing*

We are not limited in it but others seem to want to limit us in it.

You’re *just* friends….friends don’t sleep together…friends don’t have this level of intimacy…friends don’t….friends can’t….pick me…you can only have ONE…not both…me first…me…not her…not him….

Do not seek the because – in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.

~Anais Nin~

Yeah……I have a few like this.

Posted in Along the Continuum, Passion, Relationships | 3 Comments

There's no place like home

Posted on Friday, 13 March, 2009 by Rosa

pikespeak8

A typical winter view from Downtown Colorado Springs…Blue skies, Pikes Peak looming in the background.

I don’t see the Peak from my friends place; he is at the base of the Mountain, nestled in the hillside and surrounded by Blue spruce and Ponderosa pine, scrub oak, aspens, thinly scattered, low growing native grasses and fragrant sage.

Even though I grew up in New Joisey, I left at 18 and that was my “coming of age” experience. There’s a connectedness here. A heart-pull. It’s more like feeling rooted. It’s not because of my friends here although that is certainly an influence. I did virtually *all* my growing up here in the mountains. Don’t gt me wrong, I like the ocean and the rhythmic sound of the surf, warm weather, tropical fruit, and kick ass sushi. It’s soft and lyrical there. I needed it at a time when life suddenly became undefined and harsh for me.

But there is a strong beauty here. An untapped vastness with mountains to the west and prairie stretching for miles to the east. It still retains that wild west feel with pockets of Spanish influence seen in some of the architecture and of course, the fantastic Mexican food.

There’s possibility and potential here, unlike Hawaii which seems tapped out. Too confined and confining. Too small. At least for me.

Home is where the heart is….

Click your heels together three times

There’s no place like home

There’s no place like home

There’s no place like home

Posted in Along the Continuum, Passion | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sacred Life Sunday – Demands & Expectations

Posted on Sunday, 8 March, 2009 by Rosa

Sacred Life Sunday

Normally I would say, NO. I try very hard not to put expectations on others when it’s outside a mutual “agreement” of some sort. And demands? As in the you can’t or I wont allow it variety. Rarely. Just like ultimatums. I generally don’t. Partially because I don’t like being the recipient, and partly because I’ve never really seen the need to do so.

There have been many times in the past two years I’ve been absolutely dumbfounded listening to my closest men friends/lovers sort through games with their current flames. Demands, expectations, more demands, a bazillion phone calls all times of the day and night, non-stop e-mail, snooping through their stuff, outright manipulation, and lots of you can’t do that demands centering around how they choose to live their lives. I’ve watched as they’ve caved. And listened when they bitched about it.

Truthfully, that’s irked me somewhat. After all, they don’t let *me* get away with that shit. If I did half of the things their girlfriends did…like snooping…I’d be out of their lives in a NY second. When I became whiny, overbearing, needy, short tempered, or had some kind of expectation…well, it was quickly squashed. Ok, I’m no saint…I said I *try* not to do these things. But honestly, it stung.

I’m been pointedly told, treat others how you wish to be treated. Be kinder than necessary. The past few months has had me in a snit…just once I’d like one of these men who are so flip with their advice to practice it on me. Instead of her. And her. And her too. What? These women have diamond studded pussies or something? Jealously? I don’t think so…more like wanting to feel there was some equability in it all. Why are others afforded so much friggin’ slack? And me feeling like I don’t get *any* if I fuck up in *minor* ways? Why am I held to a higher standard?

I’m thinking of a recent conversation with my former roommate…

I bet you think I’m just being mean to you.

I thought for a moment. No, I think you tell me things I don’t particularly want to hear sometimes.

You know there are very few people who will take the time to be honest with you and trust that you will actually consider what’s being said, and try to understand. Don’t you?

I paused again. Yes. I do. And I appreciate you do that with me.

That made me smile inside even if I was still plenty perturbed and thought him particularly snappish and entirely too…unkind in how he phrased his thoughts.

When I sorted through this with another friend….He told me I didn’t get to expect, much less tell others how to react to me. Huh? Why the hell not? You’re always telling me how to act towards others, remember? Be kinder than necessary.

I’ve chewed and chewed on this because clearly I was missing the point. Not hearing what they were trying to say.

And then I read these two quotes the other day.

This one by Anais Nin:

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

And this one by Ayn Rand:

A man’s sexual choice is the sum of his fundamental convictions… The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest…because only the possession of a heroine will give him a sense of achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body.

Could I really have been so blind? So consumed with the idea of needing to be *fair*, to miss the underlying message? A big ahhh haaa sigh….There have been…are….plenty of men who let me know that I have a special strength and special character. They admire that about me. Mostly tho I dismiss it. Why? Because I don’t think of myself in that way. I do what I gotta. Most of the time anyway. The other thing is that I have been clouded in the self-worth department. Being single….not feeling particularly…wanted. And too, it’s always easier to not live up to a higher standard. It’s hard work to own all of that, all the time.

Yep….I do like that these men make demands of me. That they have expectations of me. Not in a subservient, condescending or patronizing manner. Why? Because they know I *can*. I chose to be with them because they treat me in a way befitting a strong woman. They have confidence in *me*. They don;t doubt me even if I do. It’s also a testament to my trust in their strength as men because I depend on them for this. As they do me. That’s pretty special.

I think I’m a lot less scared today about being put on what I perceived as a pedestal. Of being his hero. My interpretation…based in fear of disappointing……is baseless.

Maybe I’m being a bit arrogant thinking I don’t get cut the same slack as others because I *am* capable of all they see in me and that I’m worth their effort, honesty and trust with their feelings.

But I don’t think so.

I intend to be what it is they value. But not *for* them. Because it’s also what *I* value.

Posted in Sacred Life Sunday | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments