Sands of Time

Less than two weeks for it to blow up again.

He took the day off work yesterday so we could finish the car.  And we did.

Runs like a champ.  What a great job.  I am so grateful for all his work and willingness to accommodate his schedule to help me.  Saved me about $1000.00 too.

Cleaned the garage…got a lot of chores done.  A really good day. Positive and upbeat for the both of us.

Ever so peaceful and centered for me.  I know he felt accomplished as well.

All this work finished so he could spend some time this weekend with her.  A Friday night date, and most of the weekend.  For her.  To make her happy and honor plans she made for them.

She never answered his numerous phone calls last night. Never called back. Poof. Not available.

Today?  They haven’t talked.  He is on his way to her house to get “stuff” he has there. Clothes and stuff I guess. *shrugs*  She’s home-she’s logged on her YIM.  It is an excuse to confront her since she’s not being responsive. Funny thing…had she called and told him she had other plans, he would have been fine with it.

I feel bad. Nope I didn’t say I feel badly….as if I have some part in this.  I don’t.  What  I am not going to do is absorb and parrot back any of his emotions.  I’m not taking that on.

I’m a bit sad to have lost this bet. For as much as I don’t like her, he loves her dearly. But to really see up close and personal that each and every time he hands even  the tiniest  part of his heart to her….she steps on it…makes my heart hurt for him.

But honestly, why do people play self fulfilling prophecies like this?

Dangit

That will cost you your pants.  No, your shirt.  I want to see your tits.

Oh fine. *sticks out tongue*

We all win when we cease to place value *on* winning.   *winks*

Good god I feel like I have been pulled into the vortex of Raging Bitchiness, with others demands, meanness, hurt feelings, yada yada yada.

What the fuck?

I haven’t been this stressed since I was asked to become friends with my roommate’s new love.  Another manipulative, insecure in relationships, controlling, jealous sort who constantly fished me with masked kindness for inside information about her lover.  While trying to please my roommate, and thinking I was being unkind and not supportive, friendly, blah, blah, blah by not really wanting anything to do with her….I was sick about it most of the time.  Out of balance with what I knew how this all made me feel inside.  It’s that big solar plexus ache.

I recently cut that string completely when I was shown an e-mail from her where she assumed my week visit in California was moving in with him. I was so hurt at her meanness in the e-mail that I couldn’t even read the entire letter.  Enough.  Out of my life. Pau.

Again, I find myself actively participating in giving another woman this kind of power?  It’s not the “another woman” part btw…it would be anyone.

Ok, enough is enough.

I sat with this most of the day.

I am clear this must come to an end.

I am the only one who can do it.

It’s my choice.

Here is the deal:

I am responsible for me and me alone..this include my feelings and my happiness.

Everything else is peripheral to me.

It doesn’t count unless I bring it into focus.

So I won’t.

I am not going to hurt my friend by telling him he’s doing wrong in his decisions.

Nope.

They are not my decisions.

He’s a big boy.  He needs to do what he needs to do.

It doesn’t affect our friendship unless I let it.

I’m not going to mention anything.

I’ll do what I need to do and everyone else can act accordingly.

I actually feel pretty good.  Happier than I have been in days and much less stressed.

No worries…

I was over reading Molly at Destination the Journey this morning trying to catch up a bit.

Her post struck me like a thunderbolt.  All of it is applicable right now.  It’s something I need to revisti as well.  But the last line really got me.

….acting from a place where truth resides.

So where does Truth reside for me?

Why, in my heart of course. Seems like such a silly, self evident question. Doesn’t your truth reside in *your* heart too?

I’ve taken a lot of flack over the years for this from parents and friends. I’ve been told time after time…I should think with my head. Our hearts lead us astray.  Cause us to operate in blindness.

Ohhh…..how very wrong that notion is.  At least it is for me.  I’ve always lived by my heart.  And tried to “see” with my heart. It’s a practice for sure. And no, it’s not perfect. But doable when the ego of my mind is overridden with love in my heart.

Yeah……

If I put my trust in feeling…then I cannot ignore how I feel, what I feel and I just need to continue to operate on that level. No matter what that heart feeling is at any one moment. Housed in the heart, the embryo of the seed is still Love…..

Trust your heart.

Are you comfortable here?

No not really. I’m trying to not overstep boundaries.

What kind of boundaries?  In the house or personal?

Both. The personal boundaries are secondary right now.  I just don’t know what they are. But, I don’t want to overstep by rearranging your house and your stuff.

Do what you need to do.  I put stuff where it is convenient. Doesn’t really mean anything.  I know stuff needs to be gone through and is a mess.  Lots of stuff can be thrown out.

What about the personal boundaries?

You’re tired and I don’t like talking to the back of your head.  Sleep well.

I’m not sure what will make me feel comfortable here. What makes us comfortable and safe in any one place with any one person?

Certainly I have free reign of the house.  Really, I know that.  I can do whatever I want here.  And have with respect to stuffing his closet full of my clothes….stuffing the empty dresser drawers in his bedroom with more of my clothes.  Finding niches for the rest of stuff I need….shoes…luggage…wicker baskets…sewing basket…lube and glass toys in the head board *laughing*.

He found me sunning outside in the backyard in my bra yesterday afternoon.He doesn’t really care as long as I don’t give the neighbors too much of  a show.   *giggles*  I’m not comfortable walking around in a thong here…it’s my preferred attire.  It smacks of being suggestive…it’s one of those boundaries I’m thinking about even tho he says he has no issues as he is unclothed too.

He wants me to feel “home” here.  He’s gone to a lot of trouble to do that for me.  It’s not his fault.  There is not blame.  I don’t want him to ever feel like he hasn’t done enough for me.  It isn’t him.  I feel like I can never repay what he is doing for me.

It’s my fear of becoming too comfortable here.  Liking that too much because I know I will.

How can I make myself comfortable without the fear?

Seems that this blog has taken a turn and is replacing my personal journal.

Something I haven’t done in about two months.

It’s not a shift I’m sure I particularly like.

But since it’s serving a purpose I’m going to go with it.

Your comments and observations are always welcome.

Perspective is a good thing.

emotional and intellectual intimacy between us.  Always has been. It’s the major strength of our relationship. It’s what makes us so comfortable around each other.

I am just having a hard time reconciling obvious loving hugs, the time he takes with me every night he’s here (most nights) to make sure I am comfortable, tender kisses at night and in the morning before he leaves for work, falling asleep in his arms, and his desire in the morning with no “acts” of  sex.

The last time he visited me in Hawaii he was distracted.  They had a fight the second day of his visit.  His libido again went to hell. It though me into a tailspin.  Confused again at the tenderness and no desire.  His words echo in my head again today.

Ever think you are trying too hard?  That’s not something you want to hear is it?

Isn’t emotional intimacy what everyone wants? Isn’t that’s what is missing from most relationships? To have great sex is…great, but without intimacy….it means nothing.

I had no reply to either.  I still don’t. But I know there is truth in his statements.
Begs the question….why the intense emotional intimacy, trust and honesty,  desire, and no sex?

His sex is not my business.  But, he told me before he left that he hoped he would get laid so well he wouldn’t want any more for days.  And then after some teasing when he complained about a lack of sleep,  with a sheepish grin he told me they once again broke her bed  the other night. *groan*

On some level I feel he lied about not having desire for any  woman.  And his embarrassment talking about it.

On another level, I *know* what is true in one moment is not always true in another moment in time.

I guess it boils down to wanting what desire we feel for each other to stay with us and not be taken somewhere else. To be acted upon between us. Not doing so….stings.

Unfair too…I don’t know.  I haven’t really asked in a straightforward manner.

Clearly, I don’t really want to ask.  Makes me think I really don’t want the answer.

What stories am I telling myself now?

Score one for “better living through denial”.

Score one for not being patient.

Score one for not trusting myself or him.
*sighs*

It was the Zen card I pulled before yoga yesterday.  Particularly applicable given my current situation as well as the conversation in the car with my longtime friend, Chris.

Amusing to hear her feeding my words back to me about accepting what is, not worrying about being comfortable in my new home when I’ve been told to do what I need and make myself comfortable, not worrying so much, not trying so hard….

The yoga was good.  I completed the session well at 8500 feet.  A little ragged when we were done but it’s an intermediate level.  Not bad for one who has never done yoga formally.

My friend Chris also gave up her hour massage with her own daughter (and yoga instructor) to help with my stress and my whacked out shoulder.  She hit it right on first time identifying a previously torn and  now badly scarred pectoral muscle on the right side.  Wow I have about 90 degrees increased rotation this morning.

Balance.

He mentioned finding balance for all of us the other day.  Not letting either one of us feel left out because of this new arrangement.  It echos my effort to find balance for all of us as well.  She has been part of his life for near 4 years now.   It’s not a case of ‘top dog’ but she sees it as that…wants that more than anything along with being his “wife”.  His one and only.

It seems I’ve lost the bet we have. I’ll find out later. I told him last week it she appears to be trying really hard this time to put away her jealously. To accept his love on his terms this time.  To accept our friendship and my living here.  Previous to this…well we would see each other for a week at a time, but that ultimately ended.   I bet it would take at least a month to blow up again….he gave it two weeks.  Last night he went to see her and after much teasing, some playful kissing and my insistence on pulling him closer to me before he left….he let me know as he was leaving that she didn’t sound thrilled about him spending the night.  When they talked earlier in the day,  she admitting to having ‘problems’ with me being here.  It’s been a week to the day.  He saw my obvious distress.  No worries…not my problem.

She’s upset he’s now not available at the snap of her fingers.  I’m in the way of that.  She doesn’t want to be gracious, trusting, accepting that he can handle both relationships.  Primarily because she can’t handle it.  And because she doesn’t want to.  Previously they spent a good deal of time together.  This week,  not so much.  By default….by being here instead of 3500 miles away…and more importantly by being in *his* house, I am ‘too close’ now as ‘best friend’ and ‘confidant’.

This is exactly the shit I don’t want to be caught up in.  Why?  It forces me to put energy into something I simply don’t want to do.  On the one hand, I agree with her.  She shouldn’t have anything less than what she wants. Why should anyone? It’s not unreasonable to want what she wants.  It is however, with him, right now.

She isn’t exactly being left out, but the change to ‘less availability’ feels like it to her.  I get that.  I might feel the same to me at first.  And it has at times.  I also ‘get’ that I cannot, nor will I change my relationships based on someone else’s jealously and insecurity.  Especially when I’m clearly not being asked to.

Where is the balance?  Or should I say *my* balance.  I am not responsible for others balance or lack of it…

By being put in the middle, by her making this difficult for him, I am afraid there will come a time where I become less than gracious and understanding of the situation from her eyes. Not that I can convince my friend or change his mind.  I do not have that power.  But, at some point I won’t bother to couch my words or extend the energy of understanding, her way.

One balance point is to not ask and to let him share whatever information he feels comfortable sharing with me.  Why he refuses to discuss our activities with her….our relationship is not up for discussion under any circumstances…is her test.  Not mine.

To maintain a clear and unbiased perspective.  I told him to stop on the way down the hill and bring her a rose.  And that he better get laid and save some for me.  *giggles* Gawd, I love to make him blush like that.  Still, I feel a bit badly.  He’s in a hard position.  There will never be balance with her. She’s an all or nothing girl with stories that are are assumptive and based on  a lack of information.   He hasn’t and never will, give her that which she wants.

Other balance points for me?

Realizing I have needs.  Her needs are not my needs. I don’t *have* to consider hers at all.

He has needs.  His need to spend time with her is his need. And it is deserving of consideration. For him, but not specifically for her.

I deliberately refer to her as his ‘girlfriend’.  It helps me not cross a line. To maintain a certain distance.  To not be presumptive because I *am* here and naturally included in his life to a very large degree.  But I am not included in all of it. Nor do I want to be. Autonomy is healthy.  And necessary.

Balance.  I can understand not being balanced all the time. It’s a goal but it’s not reality.  The see-saw of it goes up and down all the time.  But I won’t play tit for tat.  Or who is “top dog’ this week by trying to keep him ‘busy’ with activities every night. *shakes head*.

What is good here is that I am comfortable in his presence and trust with my emotions.  I don’t have to be someone I am not to be loved and cared for.

Yay!  Maybe I’m more balanced that I think I am.

No talking after 10:30. *laughing*

We haven’t been to bed before midnight since I got here last week.

My gawd.  Can two people actually talk that friggin’ much about everything and anything?  Avionics, fluid dynamics, triggers in relationships, world hunger, genetics, the death penalty…you name it…we flesh the meat from the bone.   This man feeds my intellect in a way no one else can.  It’s good for my soul.  We don’t agree on many issues. Issues we do agree on are for markedly differently reasons.

We agree that what is important, is the willingness each of us display to listen and acknowledge.  Not the agreement or disagreement part.

Rebuilding intimacy in relationship is an interesting flow…..I need not try to ‘direct’ anything.  It goes where I need it to without force.  How special is that?  *grins*

Work on the car is going well….but it is hard work.  Find I am using the computer less and less.  Our time together in face to face now instead of phone and chat from being in Hawaii.   I need that right now.

I find all your comments really thought provoking and hope to get some time tomorrow…..

After supper and getting his children (7 & 5) to be we relaxed on the couch and watched, No Country for Old Men.  It was much better than I thought.  A bit gruesome but good all the same.  I don’t usually watch moves as I find at least 80% of them suck and I hate feeling like I wasted 2 hours where I could have read a book or done just about anything else, including cleaning toilets.

We talked long into the night.  Gawd I love those between you,  me and the couch talks. The upshot of it all is that he’s closed to everyone and he feels he needs to be right now.  He’s untrusting of women. Not specifically of me…..just in general.  But, I am included in that…just to a lesser degree because of the closeness of our friendship first policy.  He’s told me numerous times in the past that she would never have what I have with him.  I believe that to be true still.  That reeks of some jealousy on my part.  Yeah, they do sex well.  And I’m not getting any, lol.    But they don’t do relationship well at all.    Ahhh….well.  It is what it is.

It was nice to start reestablishing some of the emotional intimacy we previously shared. We have a long way to go.  Baby steps.

I need to be careful with this. I need to be cognizant of allowing him space to be comfortable again with me.  Not pushing as I usually do. Not wanting to “fix” everything right away.  That tends to consume me.  Hate being unsettled. I have always been hypersensitive to his moods.

All I can do now is listen and offer honest perspective.

I am bummed we haven’t really sexual intimacy.  That may come and it may not.  While I long for it…..I’m not going to push.  Not going to take it personally.  We sleep together well.  We snuggle well and more often than not, I fall asleep in his arms.  I like that. It soothes me and he knows it.  I like how he gathers me up in his arms at the end of the night and reaches for me in the morning as I spoon behind him.  I need to let him know how much I appreciate his touch. It’s slightly suggestive….I’m going to leave that alone. Leave it to him to initiate.

We are still planning Greece together in about a year or so.  I was kind of surprised to hear this.

But I’m NOT going to back off from being affectionate, giving or asking for hugs and kisses, or using affectionate terms with him.  I am not going to stop telling him how much I adore, cherish and love him as a man and as my friend.

I asked him not to close me off.   I told him if he really can’t handle it, he needs to speak up. Tell me to knock it off.   Told him that I wasn’t going to “hurt” him.  And that I would always be here for him.  I’ll still be around to poke at him, lol.  Whether he likes it or not.

With the kids here for the weekend, I am sleeping in his daughters bed…they are sleeping with him. His rule always has been for the kids to not see women in his bed even if they see daily affections.

I asked him to tuck me into bed.  It’s sweet the way he takes care and gets me extra blankets knowing I’ll probably be cold. I was.  I missed his body and his scent with mine.

The man convicted of setting California Wildfires was sentenced to death for arson resulting in the death of 5 Firefighters ages 20-27 and 43.

I’m confused at my own reaction.
I do not support the death penalty.

However, I walked away from reading this story feeling that there was some justice in the sentencing. While he in all likely hood will never be put to death….I still found it “just”.  A relief.

Perhaps this is a trigger for me. My youngest volunteers for Wildland fire fighting duty. His dream is to continue as a Hotshot…It’s first response…first on the line.
Perhaps too…I know many who fight and put out fires for a living or as volunteers…close friends of many years.

Does the punishment fit the crime?   Is it “just”?

How do you feel about the death penalty?

Where might you change your mind?

Yeah that’s how I feel.

Transparent.

An ultra thin piece of hand blown glass; the slightest jarring will cause me to shatter.

Filled with tears of frustration.  My own, I know.

I slept on the couch last night. It felt “wrong” and “strange” to sleep in his bed with him gone.

It wasn’t him being gone that mattered.  I have no issues with time for others.

My playful banter while we were cleaning up after spending a few hours tearing

apart the car,

At least someone is getting laid tonight, was met with a slight hesitation and a frown.

Shees….now I feel bad about going out.

Wow, not my intent.  I don’t do guilt and I don’t give guilt.

I’m quite capable of taking care of my own orgasms.

But my hug and  peck on the cheek when I dropped him off to get his car was clearly obligatory.

I told him we need to work on communication because it sucks….

so I guess I won’t………….

Long journey, car late out of Hawaii, overdosed my self on alcohol (which I rarely do but did anyway stupid girl), drove the Pacific Coast Highway for a few hundred miles, stayed in a darling little town along the coast longer than I should but because I wanted to, entered the Twilght Zone outside of Las Vegas New Mexico where the car blew up and had to be trailered back to Colorado on the back of a 14′ U-Haul.  Became quite hysterical at the entire fucked up situation complete with gulping sobs and hiccups….unlike me as well.  Got into Colorado yesterday at the ass crack of dawn, had the local Sheriff insist on me moving the truck and my trailered car and as I did stuck the thing good in soft dirt and jackknifed the trailer.  The towing company was very nice.  Since I’ve done business with the owner in a previous life, he gave me a huge break on the cost of a full hours work. Whew. I still have to figure out what is wrong with the car.

Soooo…where am I? At a close friends. We talked at length last night.  His plan for me was far different than what I had laid out for myself.  I envisioned him kicking me out the door in 2 months or as soon as I found a job based on previous and adamant conversations on how he doesn’t want a roommate.

Ok, so that is where I set myself.  He wants to work on us living together so we are both comfortable but imagined I would stay AT LEAST 6 months.  WTF?  Since we never really set any time frame there were no bounds  to overstep.  Not really.  A lack of information leaves us usually making assumptions…filling in the parts we don’t know with what we want to happen. Yep,  we both invented stories with outcomes based on no information.  We are going to reevaluate in 2 months because neither of us have spent enough time together in two years to judge where potential issues might arise given our very different personalities. Fair enough.

What’s disturbing…or at least it was still disturbing this morning is what he neglected to tell me.  That he is back, and has been for the past month, with an ex-girlfriend.  Which explains he sudden lack of talk or phone calls the past few weeks.  Unlike him to be….ummm…not forthcoming or testy when I’ve asked even the most innocent questions.  It’s been a question in the back of my mind…but I figured it wasn’t appropriate to bring up over the phone.  It would wait.

He admitted to not telling me because he was afraid I would have changed my plans.  He is right.  I would have made other arrangements.  Their problems have been largely related to extremem jealously and trust.  Mostly over her snooping and lying.  ick.

By his own admission he is disappointed that he is back with her.  It’s a wrong relationship but there is a lot of history between them.  He also admitted to not  wanting me to be disappointed in him either.  What the fuck does that have anything to do with it?  This on and off again thing has been going on for over three years and he is convinced I am sick of hearing about it. I am but remain supportive and do understand we all need to have support, vent, center ourselves with others despite our agreement, or not.  It’s called friendship.

I guess what I am disturbed by is the fact I was conveniently cut out of the loop on making a decision for me. Shit. I wasn’t angry…just stunned.  Disturbed.  I immediately questioned my trust in this man.  Not good.  I ultimately trust this man with my life.

Even so….I think….

Is this a deliberate test for her?  For me as well?  On us getting along in the same house together?  On expectations?  He is clear we can sleep in the same bed.  But it’s also clear….he hasn’t made a sexual more towards me either. He hasn’t said no to my insistence that I am going to roll him over and fuck him senseless….only that we need to go to bed earlier if that is going to happen.  I am so not good between reading between the lines.

Fuck.  I don’t need any more tests right now.  I am jobless and now car-less.   Why does he want me here so bad as to abandon what he has always spoken to….never ever living with anyone again?

I felt myself closing down and becoming distant immediately last night.  Shit, he noticed right away and called me on it.  I need a way to be more open…if not it’s something I know will ultimately hurt our friendship.

Acceptance comes hard today.  I don’t understand anything.  Him or this decision for the both of us least of all.
Chop wood, carry water….I need an overflowing wood crib and river filling my bucket.