Sands of Time

Trusting he wouldn’t use
it to shred me.

He looked at it in surprise.
And asked where I found it
as he thought he put it away.

It’s the symbolic sword, I said, as I handed it to him
Looking in his eyes for some indication and at the same time
trying to shove away hope in the outcome of my action.
I don’t know what this is about, as he tossed it on the bed.
We’re done.

We hugged and he gave me a kiss. I stole another from his mouth.

I always steal another. He doesn’t seem to mind much most of the time.

But I know too that sometimes he is uncomfortable in it.

I told him I don’t want to cut my roommate and someone I Love
very much to shreds.

He hugged me tighter and pulled me in full body, pelvis to pelvis.
And it implies desire, not anger. Want. It’s safe now.
Don’t worry he told me.
He knows I worry far too much.
Try too hard in in the process, push on what should be left in the past.

I know where his heart is.
It’s with another. And may always be there.
And that’s ok.
No one replaces another, ever.

He misses her.
He wants her.
He’s lonely.
Needs outweigh wants.

He doesn’t need her.
He knows that.
He wants her
And everything she cannot be….in her.
She can never be what he wants.
She can never fill the holes
and make it whole.
I can’t either. He tells me
I fill a lot of them
That’s difficult to hear because
what I hear is I don’t fill enough of them
or the right ones.
Instead of hearing what I do fill for him and
be grateful he lets me in to do that
for him, as his trust in me.

I know she feels the same way.
Not being able to fill all the holes.
And lord knows I would move
heaven and earth for this man.
I cannot do that for anyone. Not just him.
He resists me filling more for him
Making that attempt
Maybe it would hurt too much to find
I cannot. Something he knows and
I do not. Or maybe I already know but have
misplaced acceptance with hope
Wants over needs? Desire….

It’s somehow oddly taboo between us
It wasn’t once in the lovemaking and kissing
It’s fucking. Fucking is safe.

And the fucking is good. Very good.
Nothing more. He insists.
Nasty hot monkey sex
Yes the best but I know he desires her.
Emotional distance, no intellectual stimulation
is protection from falling off the ledge…..
No time to do it wrong

He needs himself most of all right now.
Just like I need myself most of all too.
And we need each other as mirrors
to take those steps we need
It’s a challenge. It’s conflict. Conflict hurts.
Conflict is not safe.

He needs patience and acceptance even
if he doesn’t understand
why we all think he is worth it.
Or he simply doesn’t want it from us.
He needs absolute trust
I need to give it willingly.
With my heart.
As a gift.
Not as a struggle with the leftover men ghosts of my past.
Some I can but I hear my insecurities as they niggle to the front
There is nothing for him to “prove” to me
He already did that. He continues as hero.

I think he looks at us in the friendship as not
being a “real” relationship because of no romance.
We do in so many ways. Yes it’s real
Not pretend. Not practice. Learning of one another.
We do but the boundaries are blurred. Fluid.
I like that. I struggle with that.

He knows he will fuck up
anything in the romance department
right now. Perhaps always.
I hope not. For his sake.
It’s the self fulfilling prophecy to
keep himself safe.
I do that with married men.
Create something that keeps me safe.
No fuck ups. No chance of
another fuck up.

I understand that feeling of not feeling worthy
of not really being able to give all.
Of not being ready despite mouthing the words
of feigned self-confidence.

It why the door opens a crack and then shuts with a loud bang
as he backs away as the first sign of conflict, not able to trust, not safe.

I’m not listening, and I’m not hearing.
It’s the why of most of the conflict.
He tells me everything I need to know about him.
I’ve never had a Man in my life
who was willing to speak this candidly.
I’ve never had a Man in my life.

I have nothing to worry about.
He’s told me so, time and time again.
He knows my fear of being “left out” and
shoved away…..made to leave or leave his bed
because most women will not accept a
female roommate under these circumstances.
Of making plans and then changing them for someone
else. The choice if nothing else better comes along.
That’s how it was with my last roommate.
Plans forgotten. Never a yes, always not sure
or if I not doing something else.
And resentment if I held him to his word
or showed disappointment.
I ceased to ask.

So who will he choose?
He says not a woman who gives him shit about
his best friend in his house.
He won’t choose that way
He told me last week
Not to worry
I won.
I told him it wasn’t about winning or loosing.
But it is, isn’t it?
Funny I don’t feel that way with others.
Others, they treat him better. They treat him as he deserves to
be treated. Whether they fuck or not. It doesn’t matter.

No, we’re not creating romance
It’s awkward in front of me
as much as I want want want to
take his hand and lead him away
Ravish him. Feast upon him
I can’t. I stumble for fear of being turned away.
Hesitant on the reception.
And then, feeling ashamed in it all.
Like I’m pushing myself on him.
He needs to lead it so I am sure.
Or does he?

Romance…..We both want it
Passion…..we both want that too
I need surrender with a Man who I trust.
Just once. Just once enables the action again and again

Neither one of us capable. Ever?
Neither one of us trusts ourselves enough to do so.
To let go. To get that close with anyone.
Except we are with each other.
As much as we can be knowing the icky
bits, seeing the icky bits, knowing the secrets and the
skeletons we all hide. Dark desires of our psyches.

His sleep was disturbed last night.
Not sure if he wanted me there
he growled and snorted and snored
grabbed me by the arms and sleep talked
no, and don’t…..

I didn’t ask where he went.
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t influence anything or how I feel.
He needs autonomy
And absolute trust.

I heard him talking last night after he came in
muted but heard my name a few times too as
he moved around the house.
Was it *my” name? Or another’s name?
I haven’t asked and likely won’t
It niggled a bit, my insecurities immediately coming
to the surface. Is he telling someone he’s
angry I’m in his bed? No one really knows I sleep there.
Is he dissing me because of his anger?
My insecurities try to override any trust.
My heart pounds despite knowing that in a few hours the incident is
of no consequence. Not forgotten. But not taking any space.
I give these things too much space.
I already knew from the hug when he left that it would be ok.
He needs time.
He doesn’t disrespect me to others.
I know that.
I don’t like anyone knowing the particulars.
I need autonomy too. Sometimes I need to be invisible
Their perception of me is colored by his words
not my actions. They don’t know me.
And yet….it is process. He needs his process away from me.
With those who know him differently.
He has his own mind, not the mind of others.
He is his own man.

I hope he did what he needed
But I get the feeling it was not want he wanted.
He’s not marked.
She always marks him in some way.
And I think some of that is purposeful as
she knows we sleep together no matter what he tells her.
She knows and hates it and doesn’t see it’s of no consequence.
His heart is with her and she just doesn’t see
that she could have it all and win.

He smelled of another.
Sweet.
I couldn’t help drinking the scent.
Not her, Not of wild sex.
She smells different.
I’m sure, I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter
I like what I smell.
And moving as close I felt he would tolerate
Not pushing but still wanting closer.
Yummy. She smelled so good.
He knows I find it erotic.
Other women’s smells or perfume on him.

A date tonight for him and then I am
off to a party for a former departing coworker
in SE Colorado Saturday
He is paying for the hotel and food and my gas
A loan I am very reluctant to take.
He insists, so I have no choice
because he is right….it is unreasonable
to be up all day, drive 3 hours, be at a party
and then drive another 3 hours home in the
dead of the night only to catch a few hours
of sleep in the back of the car somewhere
in between. I prefer it but,
It’s unreasonable of me to not think
of him having to ID my body.
He has my best interests at heart.
I know he does.

Everything else is inconsequential.
Trust. Not, acquiescence.
Not shoving it down and puking it back up later.

I want to wake with him in the morning smelling another woman on him.

Nor do I want yours.

There is nothing to forgive. Nothing.
We are who we are.

I got an e-mail this afternoon. I am having a hard time telling her no. I might go for a fuck date tonight.
I took it as asking advice and gave it.

I told him I didn’t know what to say. What did he want to hear? Not to? Ok don’t. No good can come of it but if that’s what he wanted to go for it. I was sorry he felt that way. Really. And then I sent the second e-mail. She knows you and you let her. I’m amazed at what women can get way with when they have a golden pussy. Go for it. Pffffttttttt

Scolding him it sounds like I am sure. Yet it is the truth. He will do anything for her pussy. She has no responsibility. They were never friends, They can’t ever be friends. *shrugs* They use each other.

Escalated. He’ll never mention it again and how he’s not going to ask my opinion about her again.. I’ve made my feelings known loud and clear.

I’m shocked by the e-mails. We talked about this the past two nights. How he is not doing that. How proud I am for him sticking to what he said he wanted to do even tho I knew it was so hard.

Escalated. I’ve ruined supper in the pressure cooker and Joe isn’t off my ass. But I am not pissed *at* him He’s just mad he didn’t hear what he wanted to. And not to punish me for that.
Escalated.

In the meantime, he’s read the last post here.

Escalated.
Escalated.
Escalated.
Escalated.

He needs to go. I stand up from the bed and hold out my arms. His hands go up in a stay way gesture as he takes a step backwards. He’s posturing…..
I’m still….(angry)
I know, I’m not asking for a hug, it’s more about wanting to give *you* one.
He hugs me tighter than usual.
Ok, he says and I can feel him relax a tiny bit. But I know he’s still angry. His entire body is hard. I can feel the adrenaline and the testosterone surge.

Anger. And I’m really not sure at what except that I didn’t let him off the hook this time.
I think initially it was at him not being able to hide. And shame. And once again assuming I would be as disappointed in him as he is in himself.
I’m not. I never have been.
It’s a smokescreen and an excuse.
He doesn’t need to justify anything to me.
He only has to justify it to himself.

I should have stopped at the first exchange.
Nothing translates well in text.
We both know that.
Can you see the trap for both of us?
All in the name of pride.
Both of us backing up and trying to “recover”.
Defending our positions to the nth degree.
Painting the other and ourselves into a corner.
And now no way to save face.
Then trying too hard to be too polite in the avoidance of it all.

It’s so easy to push people away.
To try so hard to prove how unlovable we really are.

So easy to see things as we are instead of as they are.
For the both of us.
Stubborn shits that we are….

No big deal, right?
It is what it is.

There is something else he hasn’t spoken of oddly enough.
His divorce was final one year ago tomorrow.
I really want to give him a hug for that pain he still feels and cannot acknowledge
except in terms of not feeling anything about it. Of not allowing the grief of it.

I am NOT building the wall this time.
I am not running away as much as I would like to
Not happening.
He can build the wall.
He cannot trust.
Or he can attack if he wants.
His choice.
My choice is different.
I’d rather be cut to ribbons in the surrender……
I trust he won’t
I have to because
I have no other choice to live the life I want,
and to learn the lessons I need.

I honestly don’t know where to sleep tonight.
He says I can sleep where I want when he’s not here.
And in his bed unless he wants to sleep alone.
I want in his bed.
Not to pretend nothing happened today.
I want him to feel safe and know I am not angry at him.
Not asking for forgiveness. Not giving forgiveness.
Just want him to know I am there, regardless.
Even if he is not.

I hit that point today when I hugged him.
Despite his anger.
Despite the conflict.
It melted away.
We are who we are.
We all want to be cherished
and accepted
and loved.

This too will pass.
It is past….

There are just too many of them between us.

She always said that anger is a 2ndary response and to look beyond that emotion.
There is some anger…perhaps it’s just frustration…rising in me today.

Have I made you that uncomfortable here in your own house?
That’s a rhetorical question.

I am to some degree. Still. Still feeling my way around.
I never know what to expect and it’s a bit disconcerting because you know me so well.
You can hide more easily it seems, but I can not even if I don’t say a word. That’s disconcerting as well on some level.

I’m sorry comes out of our mouths way too often and it’s predicated on, for you I think as well as me, as not good enough or not doing enough. We each do plenty and plenty for each other.

I could take all the responsibility with my self esteem being so low these days. And my constant desire to please. Once again I could easily feel not good enough.
It’s my insecurity right now.
You have your own. They are much the same as mine.

I think we both give the other reasons to believe we aren’t good enough, despite all the conversations otherwise. It’s subtle. We still have expectations from each other. Ways we would like the other to act but don’t always do so. Thinks we would like the other to do, but don’t. Words we would like to hear, but don’t.

I’m talking about day to day living.

I am not tagging this as good or bad. It just is and it comes with anyone living together.

You must be tired of apologizing for who you are.
I am tired of apologizing for who I am.
We don’t need to utter so many of the apologies do we really?

We’re both human and have faults. We cannot *always* be what the other wants. Not with respect to our actions or our words.

Neither one of us are “predictable” people as much as it would make life easy and uncomplicated.
And as much as we would like to think we are, we are not.

Susan was predictable. It made you feel safe.
Ben was predictable. It made me feel safe.

We could railroad the other, and get our way, couldn’t we?
Really, we got what we asked for.

We had “control” as the other wasn’t really interested. It was easy, and non threatening. We didn’t have to think all that much. We just moved through it. We knew the other would just go along with whatever it is we wanted. Is that really acceptance or laziness in relationship?

I didn’t have to bother learning something new about my partner.
I didn’t have to bother because nothing seemed to bother him.
Nothing. And if it did, he just never bothered to say.
I guess the relationship just wasn’t important enough to bother….
I think it goes more to laziness in relationship.

I don’t want that in my life again. It’s flat.
I’m not talking about “conflict” as in differences in opinion or “fighting”.

Yah, I get making things too complicated. I do that.
I worry too much. I over think.

You just hide yours better by keeping it to yourself.

I don’t. I process verbally. It’s process and it’s not always the end result. Sometimes it is, frequently it’s not.
I need to remember that same thing about you too. You tell me a lot in the course of our conversations, and a lot of it is process too. Not decision. Not the end result.

I’m glad you didn’t shut her down last night by telling her she was too needy.
Yes, she would be plenty ashamed.
She might even say she was sorry.

But you haven’t shut her down.
It’s only a matter of time….
Before you are apologizing to her.

I’m ashamed of my neediness too.
And I shouldn’t.
I don’t want to apologize for it…..
I just want to change how I feel about it.

We don’t have to feel sorry about how or who we are….not “for” anyone else now do we?
That’s not what I want.
I don’t think it’s what you want either.

What’s yours?

Yah, that’s what I asked him. My ex.
I was feeling a bit kind the other day. Not that I’m not kind…just that I haven’t felt amicable towards my ex. He sent along one of those silly forwards. It was something we were talking about earlier that morning. Actually, he was talking and I was sobbing.

But anyway, I sent it along to a few including my ex.

So what I get back is this:
Friends are people that accept you for what you are. Does that make you my friend? What kind of things are on your mind? I haven’t had a good weekend in years, but thanks anyways.

YIKES!

My reply:
That’s true. Friends also expect the best from each other and don’t buy personal BS or excuses. Friends are allowed to set personal boundaries, too.
Just passing along some sweetness to everyone as it was passed to me by my roommate.
Miss the beach and warm weather in Hawaii sometimes, especially with it getting colder at night.
Must be pretty difficult to not have a good weekend in years. Why not make yourself a good weekend for a change?

Yanno, I got to thinking again about the stories we tell ourselves. We’ve been talking about wanting our ex’s perspective. Not *really* knowing what fell apart or why…our version that lurks behind own rose colored glasses leaves no real lessons learned. Only our perception of them and how that might not be the case at all.

In a few hours I was pretty annoyed. Bitter, so very bitter he is. He’s right in one sense, because I found myself asking why the hell after all this time he couldn’t just say, thank you or something else pleasant as a reply to a kindness. I guess that really isn’t acceptance. He can’t, and I can’t change it.

So I asked in another e-mail.
Yanno what B? I never stopped being your friend.
And I never stopped accepting you for who you were those 15 years or the potential I saw in you.
Remember what I said about friends not accepting BS and excuses? And setting personal boundaries?

Here is the story I tell myself…..

You were the one who couldn’t and wouldn’t make the effort when I asked. So I demanded.
You were the one who walked away from the house, most of your belongings, and my cc’s that were all used for the business.
You were the one who wanted to move on and forced a divorce down my throat.

Do I abdicate all responsibility? No, actually I don’t.

I chose to continue working a schedule you hated because that wasn’t the issue between us. I needed control where I felt there was none.
I chose to force you to deal with stuff you didn’t want to-especially your family and your mother.
And I was a total bitch about it after what I perceived as no cooperation or effort on your part.
Hell, I could be a bitch a lot of the time.
But I never stopped being your friend.

I’m curious, what exactly is the story you tell yourself about it all?

It’s rare when I don’t bother keeping a friendship. Very rare I completely turn away. I’ve only walked away from a few over the course of my life. This forces more questions about forgiveness.

And if true acceptance means there is no need for the forgiveness.
And maybe we weren’t really friends at all…..

with Joe today.

Told him I couldn’t sleep with him.
I wouldn’t sleep with him.
Not now and not ever.
That it had nothing to do with him.
I lied and told him I had nothing to give.
Not to him or anyone. Not even Muse.
In a sense that is true.
Told him that his friendship had to be without any pressure.
And although he was gracious, he didn’t seem to believe me.
He continued to press right up until he left.

I will take him at his word.
It’s not my problem any more.

quitting smoking.
Yah, me and him.
It’s good to have support and company in it.
We will either survive or kill each other in the process.

my morning pages again instead of lamenting how I haven’t been writing.
It feels good.

I just can’t sleep with my friend Joe.
I’ve slept with many a married man.
Slept with many men just because I wanted to.
Because it was an experience I wanted, or it was an exercise in putting away my fear and insecurities. Or in sheer lust.

It’s what he wants yanno. To sleep with me.
It’s what he’s wanted for the past three years.
He considers me his best friend.
I don’t feel like I am.
I don’t feel like he’s *my* best friend.
I can’t tell him that…..

We are good friends.
Been through a lot of heartache together.
First with Dale’s cancer and then again the next year with Dale’s passing.
With work.
With personal problems.
We still share a lot of laughter.

He’s sweet on me. He tells me so.
He wants “a chance” with me. He tells me that too.

Told my two youngest children if he wasn’t married, I’d be his.
Arrogant, huh? LOL. That’s Joe. *smile*
I am his Princess….I get whatever I want, anytime I want.

I know this to be true.
There is much he would do for me if he could.
All I have to do is ask.
He has my back. Always has.
Yeah, I have much affection for this man.

He likes me not being a girly girl.
But notices when I do clean up.
That I will jump o the back of the bike just because I wanna.
That I can talk shit with the best of them when I want.
Not sure I’m particularly proud of that….

I am everything his wife is not. Yah, he told me that. *sighs*
We all look for the opposite of what he have or had, right?
That’s dangerous. And foolish. Misguided. It’s nuthin’ but trouble……nuthin but trouble….

I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting him to get his marriage straight first.
I can’t take up the space that’s died between them over the past few years.

I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting his wife’s tacit approval first.
Something she’s given previously, especially if it came with a threesome.
But I get the feeling it’s because she didn’t know what else to do. Their marriage was plenty rocky.

I can make up all kinds of excuses about how I don’t like how he addresses his wife, or how she addresses him and the disrespect I hear in it all.

I offer nothing but excuses in view of my truth and not wanting to be honest with myself as to the real reason I don’t want to sleep with him.
I cannot be entirely honest with him. There is no need. It will be hurtful.

But what happens when he extracts his wife’s approval or attempts righting his marriage? What happens then when he comes back at me?
More excuses from me on why not?

Muse is right when he said this morning over coffee, that the sex would be good, but to be great he personally needs a certain level of intimacy. I get that to my core. Its not a want. It’s a need.

Joe would probably be a good experience.

BUT

The intimacy I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The emotional bond I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The intellectual stimulation just isn’t there with Joe.

It doesn’t prevent me from liking this man.
Or having a great affection and appreciation for him.
I like the attention he lavishes on me.
It’s sweet. It comes with a price.

But it doesn’t satisfy me.
It doesn’t satiate me the way I need.
Connection without sex being a “requirement”……

There is no judgment here. Not for me and not for him.
I just don’t want to play right now.
I will probably never want to play in his sandbox.

I have other tasks before me, even if I know not what all they are….

Well,  the dog just got skunked underneath my bedroom window.

Muse won’t be home for another hour.

I sent text but not sure if he got it.  It can be pretty unreliable depending on where he is.

oh dear…..

I really don’t have the energy or inclination to dig out the tomato juice at this hour either.

The incense didn’t help,  so now my bedroom reeks of skunk and incense.  ICK

Shutting this thing down and waiting for him in his bed.

Sleeping alone be dammed tonight.

It stinks in here.

We met for coffee in the park yesterday after work.  And talked again in the manner of before I left for Hawaii.  Of examining what is and what is not, in a personal truth and honesty kind of way we have that makes us what we are to each other.

We talked of his frustrations with her. How she will simply never be everything he wants her to be, and his profound disappointment with that. Of relationships based in sex but nothing else even where there are longstanding attachments and lots of affection.   We talked of safety and comfort in relationships.  Why we choose to stay even tho we know the relationship can never be what we want.   We talked of women his is interested in.  We talked about his fear that he will meet a woman who won’t tolerate him living with a female roommate.  That it forces a choice he won’t make.  But it may force us not sleeping together.  No lies.  No sins of omission.    I told him we’ll work out whatever comes along. But I won’t dwell on it.  I won’t worry about what has not happened yet.  Or may never happen while I am here.

She is having problems with me…again. The never ending jealously problem.  Even tho all this jealousy about me is supposed to be off limits….it apparently isn’t and this boundary gets pushed all the time.

Now she claims ALL her mistrust of him and ALL  those questions surrounding her possessiveness and jealously will magically come to rest by meeting me.  He asked what I thought about it.  I told him no.  Not because I can’t have men here in the house and what is good for me is good for him.  I don’t want to open myself up to scrutiny.    Even tho I think it would be a good exercise for me in stepping back and just observing, by default he gets put in the middle.  There will be additional questions. It won’t solve anything for her.  He agrees and thinks it’s better for me to remain somewhat non-dimensional.  Anonymous.

We talked until nearly dusk, ran some errands and headed home where the conversation continued.

It was nice to share again. Saying what needs to be said.  Asking the hard questions of each other.  I found myself engaged.  Present.  I also found us locking eyes for long periods…peering into souls.  Looking for acceptance and comfort and no fear of the other…within the other.   Exchanging energy.   Yep.  We found it again.  Very nice.

We had a small mis-communication getting gas.  Not present.  And I slipped into disappointment and selfishness.  During our park talk he told me she was going to be gone. He had promised to go to a party with me for a time on Saturday.  She who is his main “squeeze” as he puts it, called as we were driving and changed her plans on going away.  She’s  decided they should go away together for the weekend.  Or he should take her to the party.  So when he asked, Oh great, now what do I do…..I unloaded and missed the sarcasm contained in the comment.  I took it as him needing an out.  So I gave it, telling him that he just needed to do whatever he needed to do.  That I fully expected he wouldn’t go anyway.   That I couldn’t take whatever he told me seriously anymore.   I left and turned the car around mid way home, planning on just disappearing into the night for a few hours to cool off.

Running away.  Not generally a pattern for me as I tend to confront.  He loathes running away more than my  inability to step back for a minute.  I returned to the house a few minutes after he did, and let him know why i was gone.  We talked it though.  He is not and has no intention of going away with her this weekend.  He will not take her to the party because it is a smokescreen for her insistence on meeting me.    He wants some alone time and was hoping to go to the party for a few hours, slip out and just enjoy the solitude.

It was nice to hear he depends on the many hats I wear for him.  And doesn’t want that to change. That he’s never had a best friend and that he Loves me so very much.

It was nice to hear from him that I don’t let him get away with anything.  HA!  Even when he wants to.  Yah, he does that for me as well.  Sometimes brutally.   I like being a mirror for each other.  He agreed.

He likes sleeping alone most of the time.  I don’t.  He acknowledged my need for skin.  I, in turn, asked if he wanted to sleep alone. If he is feeling overwhelmed. It felt “right”.  It felt “not personal” despite the fact I would rather sleep next to him.  It makes me feel good he acknowledges what I need whether he can give it or not.  Yeh, I told him that too.  And too that I never want to give the impression that my place is in his bed.  I want to be invited there.  Welcome.  It’s why I don’t sleep there when he is gone.  He gets that.  I know this won’t last.  It’s a function of being overwhelmed.  Of being smothered by her. Of me being here all the time in the evening.  I get my alone time.  He doesn’t.

We talked about his inability to say “No” and he promised to work on that with me.  Saying “no” when I ask without second guessing about how I might feel. Saying “No” because that is what he needs. And letting me accommodate that need.

We talked again about self worth.  Both his and mine…our inability to believe we are worth love. How we don’t invest ourselves because of past hurts. How do we break through that to reclaim ourselves.

He tucked me into my bed.  We ended up talking more.  Crap…we spent from 5 to midnight in intensive care.

We talked about their sex life.  How it is between them.  What makes it so good.  Or not so good.  What changes….how have they maintained over 4 years to keep that on an upward spiral.  Our sex is good, very good.  It has a ways to go as we re-learn about each other.  I like that.  He agreed.  He wants more from me.  He wants what they have sexually with me too.

So, I asked him to teach me to surrender sexually.  To just let it all go.  To let him and my orgasms control me.   Instead of me controlling them.   Yes, he wants it as much as I do.  I need it from him and with him.  I need our sexual relationship pushed to the edge and then over the top. Yes, he wants that.  That surprised me.  I had no idea….

We talked about trust between us.  He trusts me.  Really?  Yah.   I need to trust him with this.  I trust him the person.  Not sure I trust men entirely.  I need to separate those.  I don’t trust myself to be so open and vulnerable.  Naked to my soul.  And I will be exposing my soul to him.  He remarked that he feels I’ve come close at times before I left for Hawaii.  And I’ve been loosening up since I got back.  Relaxing into him….especially the last few times.  Yah, I felt that too.   It’s been….different.  More whole.  Not fragmented.  More seamless.    He showed his patience with it all.  And with me.  I didn’t know he was watching and waiting….and taking the opportunity where it comes to slowly pull that out of me.  He is.

We’re plenty intense when we get like this.  I want to let this flow.  And it will.  But I need to let most of this settle into the both of us for a while.  It’s interesting.  He’s clear when he’s done talking.  But it’s never the end of the conversation between us. It’s not the end of his process.  Just the words.  I know he’s thinking all we talked about last night in his own time.  I know he like that about us.  There’s never a lack of discussion.  It’s ongoing. I hope that never ends….

I want to fuck tonight.  Don’t know if I’ll ask tho.  Perhaps.  There is a part of me that knows if I don’t ask I simply don’t get.  And the other part that knows sometimes it just needs to be left alone for him to act on….when he is ready…on his terms.  He always come thru for me.  He always gives me what I want and need….just not always the way I expect…..

~~~~~~~~~

This morning I am thinking of telling him to invite her up for a few hours.  Have a small barbecue.  Get to know one another.  Maybe it’s something that needs to be done.   Maybe it will be good for all of us.  Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of it all…..

What is the commonality in a “need” and a “want”?
Is there commonality? Or are they two separate entities?

Sure, we “need”water. We may “want” a newer car. We may “need” a newer car.

Aside from the obvious….taking it out of the realm of the material world and taking this into our core being…our emotional or spiritual or intellectual being…….is there a difference?

I find my “needs” and “wants” are tangled together. They approach sameness…not difference.

Some months ago we talked about my desire to surrender completely in sex. He asked if it was a “need” or a “want”.

At the time I had no clear answer. The issue came up again last night. I find that the “need” and the “want” are inseparable.

And thinking further on this, I think this is true for for most, if not all, of my emotional, spiritual and intellectual being. I’m finding that true on the physical plane as well. And why not….the physical plane is connect to the rest of me anyway. At least in the realm of sexuality and sensuality.

My “want” for skin is the same as my “need” for skin.

What am I missing here? Or am I?

What say you, all you wise souls out there?

December 2008

When I looked at him the next morning and saw his downcast eyes, stumbling over words in an effort  to find a way to apologize for bringing her to the house that night and breaking our  agreement, I was filled with something I never experienced with another man.

Suddenly nothing mattered but the Love in my heart for him and the Love that flowed between us.   It would never matter what he did or didn’t do.  Or what I did or said.   It was Unconditional.  It bubbled out and over into the cosmos.  It washed over both of us.

I cut him short.

What you did was wrong.  But I suspect you already know that.  *sigh*  This too will pass.

We hugged long and hard.  It was ok.  It would always be ok between us from that moment on. Whatever happened, it would always be ok.

It is.

August 2009

I’m waiting….

I’m waiting for something I know is in my heart but stubbornly refuses to come forward and bubble to the surface….To wash over me and radiate out.   It’s there.  I feel it.

Why?

~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes two.

To give and to receive.

Receiving is scary…perceived as some kind of commitment, felt as some kind of obligation, conscripted as rules.

Neither of us want commitment or obligation or rules between us.

And yet, I feel it’s perceived that way.

Maybe I act that way. Dunno.

It’s easier to give than receive……

I think this is true for the both and for many.

Receiving leaves an “uneasy” most of the time.

That’s difficult.  I don’t want giving to become an “uneasy”.