Sands of Time

I don’t know how I arrived here. Honestly, the thought process escapes me. Was it one of those logical lists I love to make? Pro against con, this against that; purposefully weighing the scales in favor of a scenario that was perceived to be safer? Of more? More filled with promise of a job? More filled with promise of friendship? Family? A normal life? Yes that was it. More promise of friendship. Of companionship. Nearer family. Plan B became plan A. Plan A became safe haven. A fresh start.

I came close to staying in California those few days I spent in Morro Bay with the big rock jutting to the north and the long cold expanse of beach with sand dollars spit from the murky depth for wayward strangers like me to gather in small plastic bags as trophies. I came close to loving the crab cocktail. Rich in thick white slabs of sweet crab and hefty green wedges of avocado dressed with tangy red sauce speckled with fiery horseradish. I came close to loving the orchid shop up the street, taking plants with locals and greedily sucking in sweet, tropical scents. I came close to loving the mud flats south of town were the pacific flyway meets the sea and offers its abundance for migrating feathered friends.

I came close to staying where mountains tumble towards the ocean. Where sleepy shops open late and close early in spite of tourists mingling on the Embarcadero looking for ways to spend hard earned dollars on trinkets and treasures for their summer vacation.

I came close. Just not close enough.
Like being here now….
Just. Not. Close. Enough.
Or is it…
Too. Close. For. Comfort?

Some things are a total “feel” for me.   Well, most of life is a total “feel” for me. Always has been.

Some have tried to tell me it’s wrong.  And listen to my heart.  What do they know?  They are as fucked up as I am. HA!

Most don’t get this about me.  I need to “feel” whether that be a solar plexus ache or a sparkle. Does that make sense?  My passion? It disturbs me when I don’t feel.  I don’t mean in the detached, observing part of me.   I mean in the “feeling”part of me. My heart. It’s not me “shutting down” in an effort to not feel what was too overwhelming.  I need to take note of the “no feel” in this. It’s telling.

I already know I get myself in trouble by listening to my head. Always have.  My head talks me out of shit. It places my fears up front and center.  It’s comfortable that way. Controlled.

Once, I trusted my intuition.  My “feel”.  It was more 2nd nature.  I just went with it.  They told me I was crazy.  I was.  I loved it, and life. I smiled a lot. 

So, I won’t debate the points. Pro and con.  This and that. Why and why not.

It’s not going to work for me.  Not this time.  Not stubborn.  Not nit picking.  Not fear.  Just isn’t going to work.

It’s nice to chat and spend some time having coffee, but that is all.  And it may be a friendship of sorts. Nothing more.

Doing the work where I actually “feel” something…is one thing.

But continuing on where I don’t really “feel” anything of substance over “interesting” is another. Lots of things are interesting.  But that doesn’t mean they all spark my interest….

I’m going where and with what I “feel” this time.  Where it doesn’t cause me any…aches. With what makes me smile.

So.  Moving right along…..

So, I called this morning.

Hey, how are you doing? I was just wondering how everything was going.

I was going to call you later today.

Translation for both of us.  Thinking about you. *smile*

So we talked about places we both know in the area, in the manner of nothing of the past strangling us.   It was…familiar…nice….easy.

Yah I was thinking this morning. Hesitating with phone in hand.  Told myself when he left, I wouldn’t “bother” him on vacation.  I should wait for him to call.  Let it be on his terms.  Fearful he was still mad.  That he wouldn’t want to talk.  I really didn’t have much to say anyway.    So I thought about that.  My fear.  Why?  What did I really want by making this phone call anyway?

So I thought about that.  What I was actually thinking *about* him.  Hoping he was having a good time on the beach.  A good time with family.  Clam chowder, sand dollars, worn rocks and jade.  Warm weather. Wondering if he had gotten to my favorite beach.

It wasn’t to feel him out if he was still mad.  It didn’t matter right now if he was or wasn’t.  I wanted to call.  I miss his presence and wanted him to know I was thinking of him. I miss his soft voice talking to me. Period.  Nothing more.

And then it shifted a to the comments about One….

One to take the first step
One to give with an open heart
One to forgive the hurts
One to trust
One to believe
One to hope
One to show the way
One to love ones self enough

I wanted more than anything else to be One today.  Not wait for him to call.

When you believe it you act it out.

So what is it I choose to believe?  Do I act on my fear?  Or what I want?  To have an open heart?  To stop fighting, grasshopper?

So. I called.

Sometime later,  Sounds great. *softly* Love you, Miss you.

It doesn’t matter what he said. *grin*

It’s what this One wanted to say.

I want to start doing things for me.

This is a good start.

So be it.

Since I am alone this week, I can eat the way I need and want to.  I’m not a heavy meat eater anymore, especially after living in Hawaii.  My diet for nearly two years consisted of fish, miso, fresh fruits of mostly Papaya, Mango and Banana, kimchi, dairy, chicken in very small potions and of course, some kind of starch.  Rice or noodle, pasta, and sweet Hawaiian or Portuguese breads.

Coming back into a heavy meat eating household has been difficult. This week I eat alone. Something I loathe doing. But starving is not an option. Neither is eating out.

A friend passed some of the soup she made last week to me.  I nearly didn’t get any, it was that good, lol.

This is what I’m having for the next few days even tho I’ve cut the recipe in half…the other bane of eating alone…terminal leftovers.

Under an hour from start to finish. This can be cut in half easily and is very versatile.  No leeks…use an onion. No carrots, leave them out.  Whatevah.  The dill is essential so make sure you have plenty.  Great too with a quick dark rye loaf.  No and low fat subs don’t sacrifice taste (but I don’t use ’em).  Since I like a thicker soup than what this makes (very thin), I will up the flour a bit. The notations are from my food buddy.

INGREDIENTS:

5 tablespoons butter, divided

2 leeks, chopped (used about 3/4 onion)

2 large carrots, sliced

1 large clove chopped garlic (doesn’t seem right to cook without it)

6 cups chicken broth

2 teaspoons dried dill weed

2 teaspoons salt

1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 bay leaf

2 pounds potatoes, peeled and diced (didn’t have that much when I shared with you and I didn’t peel them either)

1 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced  (used a combination of button & baby bella’s)

1 cup half-and-half

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

fresh dill weed, for garnish (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Melt 3 tablespoons butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Sautee leeks, carrots, and garlic 5 minutes. Add broth. Season with dill, salt, pepper, and bay leaf.  Add potatoes, cover, and cook 20 minutes or until potatoes are tender but firm.  Remove and discard the bay leaf.

2. Melt the remaining butter in a skillet over medium heat, and saute the mushrooms 5 minutes, until lightly browned. Stir into the soup.

3. In a small bowl, mix the half-and-half and flour until smooth. Stir into the soup and cook 3 additional minutes tho thicken.  Garnish each bowl of soup with fresh dill to serve.