Sands of Time

Do you use the sword of Lust and Love to wage your wars?

Kill or be killed?

Take no prisoners?

Seen as weapons, *we* use them to kill.

Seen as Masters to serve, we *are* killed.

Exciting but ultimately shallow

even in the new experiences, Lust never lasts.

It’s a game of chess from the onset.  It is but a

bit of playtime.  The game does not last long.

The Master wins every time; taking us down with our own weapons.

Women give sex and call it Love.

Lust is not Love.  Yet, we confuse them in

the blindness of that Lust, that desperation.

In the blindness of hopes and dreams and desires….

Men appear to give Love but want the sex.

Love with the Trust it takes *to* Love,  endures.

The stones are set in place already…

immoveable even by the one

who set them there so that “In Love” will never be….

what I originally set out with this blog (in order of course, because I am a Capricorn)

1) a back up for my blog on Adult Fuck Finders and Blogger for documentation of life as I live it…much as my journal is but with slightly less rambling than my morning pages.

2) less censorship with more features and creative options

3) a place to play with words..that is…a place to work through my process and editing.  I need to see *how* my  brain works as a key to understanding where I need to go with it.  How to tap the places I need in there.  Are there patterns in my thought process?  I’m sure there are but I don’t *see* them.  Is that beneficial?   Or do I just need to go with  not having an understanding. What I am hoping is that i can eliminate some steps with that understanding.  I would love to see others do the same…..work through their editing processes and help me work through mine (ulterior motives, lol).  Editing someone else’s work is one thing. Editing our own is another matter.    Participatory for all who want.  Or not. *laughing*

All of that aside, I really *need* to express whatever my heart (or head depending on the day) feels….good, bad or otherwise to come forth. Cathartic at time, but what the fuck ever….

But like others have found over time,  life has a habit of becoming intensely personal in those painful but necessary moments. Raw, sharp, harsh, confused, fearful, whatever that emotion happens to be, as the humans we all are.

I’ve never had huge issues with my blog being public although I have had issues with some readers who read here and make others pay or manipulate them with information gleaned here.  That’s not deterred me for the most part.   But, I’ve noticed over the past 2 months, I taken to briefly posting, pulling and deleting.   Burning bowl posts.   I don’t like doing that.   I want to live better with mine….not toss them away.   And that’s what it feels like.  Getting rid of something instead of learning to observe when they come along and turning them away with intention.  Just my personal philosophy.

And so the point of this long windedness this morning….Gillette asked me how she could still read here and honestly, I just never considered any options last night other than making each post private as need be.

So, not sure what to do.  I don’t want to do a private blog.  That was never my intent with yesterdays decision.   I don’t want to do invitations either.  It seems like a hassle and I have no intention of keeping this a private space as Shannee has done.  It’s a temporary situation for me.

I may do password protected posts and give out that password if anyone wants it….but I have to see if that type post even appears on a reader/feed

Anyone know?

I’m so tired.  So very tired of living this thing called life right now…and it hasn’t been near as hard as it has been in the past.

It’s been more than a few times over the past 7 months I have come close to leaving.  Packing and leaving like a ship in the night.   I thought of it early November, Thanksgiving Day and again this weekend.  Just go and get on with”it”, whatever “it” is, in whatever way I can.

I don’t see myself as a quitter because I’m not and never have been.  Even if I have stalled myself quite effectively the past few months with insecurity and mounting fear spiraling out of control.

Boy that’s quite the dilemma now isn’t it? Being tired of living, wanting to cut and run, and not being a quitter. Hmmmm……

It’s never been my style to run.   But it’s more my style meet problems head on, give myself a few head lumps in the process, shove someone who is in the way on their ass, but ultimately solve whatever needs to be solved, and then move it along whether I had any support for what I was doing, or not.   I ran away to Hawaii needing space and something different.  Hey, it was midlife crisis and I was going to have it my way, lol.     But I think this “approach” is partially due to my impatient Capricorn nature and partially because I just don’t particularly like “stalled”.  Maybe they are one in the same. Don’t know.

I promised myself a few years ago I would *never* run again,  not from me and not from him or whatever he needed to say to me.    We had had a fight over something inappropriate I said in a playground.  When he called me on it….I hesitated, ran, hesitated, ran, and then came back willing to hear him out and trusting it would be okay…somehow.

Trusting it is okay.

And if I do that, trust it is okay, will be okay…that our friendship stands the test of time because really there is a deep love involved for the both of us….then how can I just disappear?   I cannot just leave without so much as a  hug.   I think he would be hurt beyond measure.  I would be….That’s unreasonable and unacceptable…..And I won’t break my promise…..

Well, we all went to supper and talked business.
Paul wants me to start just after the first of the year.
I gave him the formal application from their website. HA! He was surprised that I downloaded it and had it done.
So he is talking like it’s a done deal and waiting on the formality of paperwork.
They are already interested in my satellite and cartography skills.

He said he’ll start me off at 230 per day (230 a day? I am in shock-that’s as much as I was making in Hawaii. And he will be my boss as well), I get 35 per day per diem on an ATM card, phone, laptop, office adjoining my hotel room, access to company car and I get paid pretty handsomely if I elect to use my car to drive to each jobsite. I will.

The hours are a…5 am-9 and then 5 pm-9 and it is 7 days a week for 6-8 weeks. It also means I have a block during the day to do what I want as long as I can be reached for emergencies as I would be the purchasing agent if they need stuff. My 2 week block of time off is determine by me. I get to take the time when I need it. Or not. Just have to let them know.

It is strictly an Admin position. I am the crews link to the home office for purchasing, payroll, new hires, hotel reservations, moving from site to site, etc. I will be based out of the Denver office and will be back here on occasion anyway. YAY!

If this happens, first stop is Gillette WY for a few weeks to train. A few days in Denver after that, and then I have no idea where they will send me. I will be rotating a bit faster through jobsites tho because I *am* so mobile right now and they want a rotating person for all the sites. I might be in Cheyenne too and that’s where my 2 youngest work. I found out last night it’s even the same hotel. How funny is that?

They do work in PA, NY, LA, TX, NM, ND, SD, MT, UT and Australia is possible too.
I couldn’t make this kind of money in my profession right now. And yes I am getting that passport, pronto.

There is something else at work here. I am seeding the possibility of them eventually seeing they need my expertise in GPS technology as well as wanting someone to make their maps. Yah.

I am also seeding Hawaii in the beginning of March for a week with a dear friend.

I may really be able to catch up on bills and make some needed credit repairs for the future.

Heard from a long time friend and long time former coworker at lunch today.
Call me on my cell as soon as you get this. We have to talk, was all the e-mail said.

Okey dokey. I called.

Would I be interested in having supper with her and her husband tonight to talk about a job with the company her hubby works for? Would I want it in the interim till I found something in my field? Hell, she says, or longer if it works out? Girl, you just might like it. But it’s perfect for *you* right *now*.

And she should know. She taught me everything I know abut entomology, environmental legal work, and a few other things. She has been friend, mentor, teacher, drinkin’ buddy, shoulder, and more. *smile*
So she already talked to her hubby about all of this for me.

Well fuck me running. All I could do was cry.

They need a field clerk for their seismology crew. Bad and right now. Most of the data is gathered via computer in a hotel room. Yah, data input. I’m a pro, lol.
She is pretty sure pay tops 250 per day (OMG I hope this is right but even if it’s half that I would take the job), plus they pay the hotel and a meal per diem in advance. I would need no cash outlay to start work. Except possibly getting there. Work is 7 days a week for 6-8 weeks and then a full 2 week break.

How fucking cool is that? Her hubby Paul is a higher up manager. I might even be working with her nephews. They are on the tech crew and Paul got them their jobs too. They need help and need it now.

It’s all over the west where they are doing oil and gas exploration. Maybe 6 weeks in Montana then 8 weeks in Utah…where ever they are I would go. They even stay as close to the jobsite as possible. I have no problems being in the boonies either.

She even offered me a place to stay in the next two weeks if I needed it and things deteriorate here.

And to come and spend the second two week break off in Australia with them. They are moving there in February for a year with the same company. Wonder if they need a field clerk there for a year?

I don’t believe in divine intervention.

I do believe this is a turning point of some kind. I’m not feeling neutral in the least and I can’t seem to shove it down so I am not going to. I’m psyched as hell. Especially with being a mess all week packing and moving stuff to storage. Crying lots and lots…..hard to stay even keeled.
This feels better than good. Charged and tingly even.
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Well, her hubby is meeting with the bosses this evening. So we are doing this tomorrow. Paul already talked to his bosses this morning and they are impressed with my experience. And are talking about me doing 2 weeks with another field clerk and then on my own. Yah, the interview is more of a formality tomorrow, and giving them my resume.

Oh yah, they do work all over the country….not just the west. And she too mentioned the possibility going to Australia since the company is branching out there….and that is why they are moving for a year.

I think I am starting to hyperventilate….