Sands of Time

sur·ren·der (sə ren′dər)

transitive verb

1. to give up possession of or power over; yield to another on demand or compulsion
2. to give up claim to; give over or yield, esp. voluntarily, as in favor of another
3. to give up or abandon
4. to yield or resign (oneself) to an emotion, influence, etc.

None of these really work for me as all imply an “unwillingness” or something someone else “gains” in the process…..

I’m looking for something which implies more of a “trust” in doing so…..

hmmmmmm

How can I process without a definition?

sometimes I think I know entirely too much about others
sharing so intimately leaves me sometimes looking them
thru his eyes…

knowing both process, and feelings

i have to guard against being judgmental
using anothers perspective
letting it color my view
even tho sometimes I know it’s just process….
am I seeing who they really are?
or am i seeing only what has been told to me?

what do I do with that knowledge when I look them in the eyes
and have to not let on what I know?

it’s as unnerving as it is amusing sometimes…..

such a thing as being too close?
knowing too much

ACK!!

consider the font colors of past posts on the background color of the old theme *before* activating a new theme.   many of my posts are in light colors and are not readable anymore….perusing over 300 posts to find which need changing takes time…..

crud and damnation…..

Been thinking about something the past few days….

Talking about not being ready for “relationships” in any way. While we would both prefer to spend the “energy” on one, we maintain what we have in a very laissez faire manner.

This is not to say we don’t put energy into longstanding friendships, but those that are sexual relationships are as shallow as possible. As non-involved as possible. As superficial as possible. We don’t really care if they disappear tomorrow. Sure, they would be missed for the sex, but not in the “heart broke” category. As long as a standard of “good enough” sex is maintained at a level exceeding the personal price to our wallets, intentionally limited time and a minimal emotional investment, we’re okay. It’s little effort. And we go to great lengths to keep them that way. We purposefully perform to minimum standards (ours) knowing that the other(s) will happily accept what we give. Not because they don’t want more-they do-but that’s all they’re gonna get and they know that even hinting for / at anything more will have us leaving post haste without so much as a backwards glance.

Why are we so reluctant when we know we have those who would be perfectly suitable standing near us? Available. And in some cases, holding out their hands waiting patiently for US to come along? The reasons are many; from not being settled enough, leaving the area soon and not wanting anything long distance, to not really knowing what we want.

Are they valid reasons or excuses? Of course, any “reason” we give is valid by default. It’s the one we’re giving, right?
But on second look they are all excuses….

We cannot receive any gift from another in the simple spirit of a gift without wondering what the hell, What the hell do they really want from us?

That’s what we’ve both come to.

Trust

We don’t have it….Not really, even tho we pretend.
Not for anyone….Not with anyone…

My secondary questions in all of this:

Why are those who accept the bare minimum content with it?

Why do they not think they are worth more?

Are they as equally desperate to have anything, as we are to have nothing….????

I have to preface this as this particular post was born out of a ongoing personal discussions with a friend; It does not apply to anyone else.  I don’t want to hear what submission – especially in the context of bdsm, means to you.   I have been told that the desire and ability to “let go” in these situations has to be with wanting no thought about having any responsibility of doing so.  That’s fine, I could probably use a bit of that from time to time.  I am only addressing our need to control.  That of me and this particular friend…..and where our hearts lay because of it….and the fact that aside from this one area, those not wanting to taking any responsibility for theirs lives and actions is unpalatable.  Ahhhh….life and sex don’t intersect do they?  Or do they?

That a year ago if asked, you would have said you didn’t want a submissive woman is interesting.  You had a very submissive woman for the past 4 years both sexually and otherwise. You knew, if not directly then indirectly, and used it to benefit both of you.   I honestly think it’s a big part of what it made it so good for you.  Just as mine was with my ex.  Absolute control.  We both had it and we both used it well to get what we wanted. Mind blowing sex thinking it was “Love”.  Perhaps a part of it was.  Perhaps a bigger part of it wasn’t. And this is what I ultimately believe.

Can we identify what this really is?  What it is we wanted from the submission?  From being in “control”?

I’ll offer up that this whole thing it is not about wanting submission or liking a submissive bed partner. It is actually wanting to surrender.  Submission and surrender are not synonymous.

When it comes down to it, the reason we like/want/crave that submission in sex is simply one of hiding.  Of protecting ourselves and our hearts.

If we always control the “action” especially on a sexual level, we never have to return what we really want or what others really want from us.  It is ultimately the same as what we require from all others.  And that is total surrender-not submission-of our heart and ourselves and being in that moment. Absolute trust.  You don’t trust the exact same way I don’t trust.  Almost….but not enough. We have all been hurt.  That hurt, however minimal we make it out to be, still left a large scar.

Fears of not good enough are always the undertow. Trust is the riptide that carries us further away….

Not being “Man” enough often enough, not big enough, not strong enough, not pleasing enough, too heavy, too thin, to pale, not muscular enough, not rich enough, not powerful enough, not smart enough, not big enough boobs, not tall enough, not blue eyed, not a tight enough pussy, not curvy enough, not “Woman” enough often enough, not warm enough, not soft enough, not enough muscle control and all that meaningless shit of perceived preferences we project on to ourselves and others.

Oh sure.  We may not carry that “not good enough” into other personal traits such as caring,  generous, or attentive.  That we believe ourselves to be a good “catch”….a good man….a good women is true. We are.

Yet, we grow impatient with those who will not or cannot surrender. They become “Less” in our eyes.  Faulty. It becomes a personal affront to integrity. That is a “cover” for the real issue. It conveniently allows us not to look at ourselves but judge others with our same faults. It becomes, “You don’t trust ME.  I am trustworthy.  Don’t you see that? There must be something wrong with YOU”.

No one is questioning integrity. They are questioning themselves, just as we do. They fear, just as we fear. We perform internal risk assessments.  We are given a gift, turn it over and over in our hands and then continue to say…what if I open it, what if?

I do not questioning the integrity. It speaks for itself.  I question hiding the same way you question hiding. Of being afraid. Of having a shield around our hearts. Of using, “It’s all in your mind” and “just let go”, as an excuse for not giving what we need under the guise of fear of getting exactly we want.

It’s not in our minds.  It’s our heart we protect. This is true of men and woman. And more than we are willing to admit.

However, is it misplaced when we use it to manipulate the situation because we can’t do what we require from others.  We attempt to involve our hearts when really, we don’t.  We conceal ourselves behind controlling the “action”.  The better we “perform” or look like we are performing by letting a partner have all the enjoyment, and not wanting that much for ourselves, the more it looks like our heart is there. We are giving and loving when we cannot and want no one else to know. But we do know……And sometimes, others do to whether they give it voice or not….

Haven’t we done this with each other?  And we consistently do this with others.  Why?

We don’t know how to receive because we can’t trust. We don’t trust because we believe the “not good enough” from old wounds.

What would happen if each one of us surrendered the same way we require of others, instead of falsely using “submission” as the so called desired outcome for someone else?

My car, distinguished and Honorable Subie, is parked in the driveway of a small house in the mountains where it will likely stay for the next few months at the house I can call my home base for the next few years.  It was generous to offer it up for me.   I know he wouldn’t for just anyone. I know he trusts me with it.  Because of this I know was telling me in his own way he isn’t planning on disappearing from my life.

He told me of his plans months ago; throwing a few crumbs on the table in a passing and unrelated conversation to let me know he’s thinking of something but not really ready for my incessant questions.  I let it simmer knowing he knew, that I knew of the seriousness of it all….

A week after I left we talked about it all.  Who are you running from, I asked pointedly.  His immediate denial and defensiveness meant only one thing…I was right, and he wasn’t ready to talk about it.  I let it drop again.

Sunday last I arrived at his house in the late afternoon. Bound for Pennsylvania the long way, I drove through Kansas to Colorado. After a few days I would fly to Minneapolis, Detroit, Elmira NY and then drive to Mansfield PA.  My new “home” for a week before moving again to Bedford, PA.  It is here I would park my car.  Keep the miles off until I could afford to buy something more roadworthy. Until I could pay some bills.  Until I could have my house in Morro Bay or Avila….

We talked in half sentences between……  We talked in more half sentences between the darkness and light.  He’s been busy pushing everyone away.   He won’t be coming  back……

Are you hoping???

NO……

I am not Catholic.

Yet, an increasing desire to sit
in the Church with emptiness
and sanctuary protecting me.

Yet, A desire to go to confess my sins
to the priest who lives there.