Sands of Time

I sent him one of those silly forwards someone sent me…ohhhh…sometime in September last. I was touched and thought it would be…well…nice, thoughtful, sweet, caring….

Here is the context of the rest of that email:

Him:
Friends are people that accept you for what you are. Does that make you my friend? What kind of things are on your mind? I haven’t had a good weekend in years, but thanks anyways.

My reply:
That’s true. Friends also expect the best from each other and don’t buy personal BS or excuses. Friends are allowed to set personal boundaries, too.
Just passing along some sweetness to everyone as it was passed to me.
Miss the beach and warm weather in Hawaii sometimes, especially with it getting colder at night.
Must be pretty difficult to not have a good weekend in years. Why not make yourself a good weekend for a change?

In a few hours I was pretty annoyed. Bitter, so very bitter he is. He’s right in one sense, because I found myself asking why the hell after all this time he couldn’t just say, thank you or something else pleasant as a reply to a kindness. I guess that really isn’t acceptance. He can’t, and I can’t change it.

So I asked in another e-mail.
Yanno what Ben? I never stopped being your friend.
And I never stopped accepting you for who you were those 15 years or the potential I saw in you.
Remember what I said about friends not accepting BS and excuses? And setting personal boundaries?

Here is the story I tell myself…..

You were the one who couldn’t and wouldn’t make the effort when I asked. So I demanded.
You were the one who walked away from the house, most of your belongings, and my cc’s that were all used for the business.
You were the one who wanted to move on and forced a divorce down my throat.

Do I abdicate all responsibility? No, actually I don’t.

I chose to continue working a schedule you hated because that wasn’t the issue between us. I needed control where I felt there was none.
I chose to force you to deal with stuff you didn’t want to-especially your family and your mother.
And I was a total bitch about it after what I perceived as no cooperation or effort on your part.
Hell, I could be a bitch a lot of the time.
But I never stopped being your friend.

I’m curious, what exactly is the story you tell yourself about it all?

No answer…..
And now, I know I will never receive one……..There is no hope for that. Not ever…..

Now that I have a minute to catch my breath….
I’ve been here, there and everywhere in the last few months.
From Colorado to PA, NY, NY, LA (where hell has to be less humid), NY, NY and then a last minute decision to hop to Hartford CT where my parents and cousin picked me up and drove 2 hours north to his place in Vermont on the Connecticut river.

My folks have been road tripping on the eastern seaboard and twice now I’ve narrowly missed them-me on one interstate in PA and them on a more southern one in PA. Soooo…when we finished and shut down, they couldn’t make it from my cousins to NY before I was going to leave; so I just flew there before coming home.

Whew….finally feel like I’ve caught up on all that sleep I missed the past 6 weeks. Spent Wednesday evening with a friend sucking down Margs and going over to the penny arcade to spend the errant quarters I’ve been saving. After lots of video games, pinball, predictions from the love machine we took silly pix in the photo booth. Yesterday was lounging around the house, coffee, pancakes with real Vermont Maple syrup, talking story, sharing.  Love spending quality time and afterward; a short nap.

He *always* surprises me. I’m glad to follow his lead whatever that is…It can’t be any other way.

more later…….got some errands and a neglected garden to clean up. Just what the doctor ordered *g*

View from my bedroom patio. In Vermont looking across the river at New Hampshire.

Connecticut River in SE Vermont this weekend at my cousins place.

You said once that I was the most dangerous person to you.
I dismissed that because I don’t want power over *anyone*.

Too bad. You do. Get used to it.
(unspoken-you have that power with me still)

Of course I am not dangerous to you. I wouldn’t hurt you.
But I wasn’t listening was I? You were telling me I could have had you on your knees, right?
(unspoken-it would have never worked at that time anyway)

Yes. But you didn’t hear it because you didn’t believe in your own power. You had no confidence in it.

But not so long ago you told me that I had no power over you anymore.
(unspoken-how can both be true???)
Of course, I didn’t want power over you so I dismissed that too.

What were you really telling me? What didn’t I hear?
(unspoken-I need to know what is true)

I only told you that because it’s what I wanted so badly to believe.
(unspoken-you had that power then)

And what I thought you could easily hear then.
(unspoken-it would have been harmful to the both of us to admit it)

You still don’t believe in your Power. You still don’t have enough confidence in it.
More than before, but still not enough.
(unspoken-I take note of your power. It grows)

I don’t want to abuse that Power. It’s an awful lot of responsibility.
(unspoken-it scares me to have that much power)

Would you ever hurt me?

Noooooo. I would never do that.

No I know you wouldn’t. Real Women don’t, Rosa.
(unspoken-you are a Real Woman)

A different set of glasses as my filter……

Yep, that’s it. Being present and nowhere at the same time.
It’s always our bubble together.
It enriches me in so many ways.
Spending time together is always “coming home”.

Gosh, I so love this man, my soul mate, my Anam Cara

ps all else will be left unsaid…..no harm, no foul.

See Me
Feel Me
Touch Me
Heal Me

Touch me,

Touch me,

Touch me,

Touch me,

Touch. Me…..

…I feel like it…
Incorrigible

…He knows how to make me drop my panties anytime…
Insatiable

…I would get on my knees in a heartbeat…
Slut

…You have to give me clear boundaries otherwise I will break every single one of them…
Incorrigible

…I am a hedonist after all…
Insatiable

…It takes one to know one…
Slut

…I’m comfortable with it…
…Some things may never change…
*grins*

Well, I wish you were going to be here Friday night, your could dress me for my date.

What are you wearing?
(Shows her low cut white sweater)

Ohhh…that’s nice!

Yeah, Your dad likes this one too.

What skirt are you wearing?
*blink*

Skirt? No skirt. Low cut jeans.

Oh. Well that’s fine – IF you are going on a date with an OLD HIPPIE.
*BLINK* *BLINK* (she tosses her head as if to say….really now, what a ridiculous idea. And he’s howling with laughter-he knows I’m seeing Gene Friday night. He’s met Gene. He knows he IS an OLD HIPPIE. I grab his book and turn it over to show her his picture)

This is his picture and he IS an OLD HIPPIE. Hey, at least I’m wearing heels. Wanna see?
(He is still howling with laughter).

Ohhhh…those are beee-you-tee-ful!. I like these. But you need a skirt.

Something in Leather?
(I chuckling thinking she won’t get it. He is still laughing and choking on…”old Hippie”, “old Hippie”)

OHHH….Leather is nice! Something short. Black would work.
*BLINK*

I suppose you want to see my underwear too?
(Slight sarcasm).

Sure.
(I show her the white corset bra which is what I am planning on wearing).

Oh. You have anything *else*?
*sighs* (I pull down my shirt to show her the blue satin push up bra)

OHHHHHH….I like that!

I have one like this with white with lace on the sides.

Good, wear that one.
*blink* (We go back in the kitchen where he is looking on and still laughing at this whole exchange)

I want that kind of stuff when I grow up.
(Now I’m chuckling because he is shaking his head and making comments about how money she is going to cost him)

Well, you better be studying hard in school so you can get a good job and pay for all this. This one was $40 and the other was $50. That’s *just* to hold up these two little boobs, sweetie.

Ok, I will be a Surgeon. That ought to do it.
She grins happily at the thought of money *and* real lingerie.

OH For Fucks Sake. She’s 7. S.E.V.E.N. years old.
She could dress a Rhino to look like a Princess.
So…..we’re going shopping Saturday.
I can’t take her to VS. Might cause problems with her Mother.
Yah, gotta try to remember she’s only 7. Even if she doesn’t sound like 7, lol.
She’ll probably score a new dress out of it, and I think she knows it.
But I’m letting her dress me from now on.
*sighs*

One of the few girly, girl things I do on a regular basis is to take care of my feet and hands.   Love going for a manicure or pedicure.  At the least, my toes are *always* painted.  Not always my nails-gardening does a real job on them-but I try as often as possible to keep them up.

Lately I’ve been having trouble keeping nail polish on because it chips from the stress of typing all the time even tho my nails are not particularly long.   On a whim, I stopped the other day to have a polish change.  Ten bucks at the local chop, chop nail salon.  It looked ok when she was done although the top coat she used turned this luscious shade of deep red, slightly purple.  Oh well, I’ll live.  Well by the time I got home 45 minutes later, every nail had millions of little bubbles…..ARGGGGGG.  For Fucks Sake.  Now I’m really annoyed and I am not driving 25 miles round trip with even more time out of my day, to have them redone.

Sooooo….on to the net to find out what the deal was with the bubbles, and how I can do  the job at home a bit better, and in the process found this fantastic new product.  Well, new to me anyway.  It’s a dry nail color.  Peel and stick.  Supposed to stay on for about 2 weeks (depending of course).  Considering I can’t keep polish on for a mere week anyway, what the hell.

I found some at Walgreens  in a nice bright,fire engine red (I call it “Whore Red”), for the grand total of 6.99 plus tax.  *laughing*  No Shit Sherlock, in twenty minutes, I have a full set of not just great, but  professional looking nails (I have natural nails).  The polish strips are thin and a bit stretchy (like colored plastic wrap with a sticky back) and come off with regular polish remover. What could be better? Or quicker.  Or less messy?

Wow!  Wow!  Wow! I am in nail heaven.

The product is INCOCO Dry Nail Applique.   Google it.  They have tons of colors on the web, but fewer in Walgreens.  Check it out if you want a quick set of delicious looking nails.

End of Infomercial.