Sands of Time

The problem as I see it is not that anyone shares information, or processes issues/problems with another person. We ALL do it at one time or another, and we are ALL AWARE that we do it. We all need balance and a sounding board.

We ALL hope to hell other(s) are not colored by that process. We are ALL painfully aware of most of our shortcomings and faults. We are embarrassed and feel shame for being less than what we want from ourselves. On top of that we are humiliated when we know others know of them.

We have all been thrown under the bus in the past few months. ALL OF US, BY EACH ONE OF US, in some way; even when it was intended to be supportive. Words can warm the room or burn down the house. Once uttered, words can never, ever be taken back. All that is left is damage control with the hope that those who love us, love us through those times when we are less than what we intend for them or ourselves.

We all want to be accepted for who we are. We want to be accepted NOT in SPITE of our faults, but ALONG with them. None of us wants to be changed into something we are not.

We ALL need to treat people as we wish to be treated.

We ALL need to start wearing the others shoes. Meaning asking ourselves how we would feel if we were on the receiving end of any words or any actions no matter how much we want what we want. No matter how justified we feel at the injustice of it all.

WE ALL need to be able to talk honestly to that person without fear not being heard/acknowledged even in disagreement, and without fear of retribution in that disagreement.

We ALL need to be able to own our own shit as gracefully as possible with the person we are involved with; not everyone else they are involved with.

The solution is simple. EVERYONE needs to be on the same page of not repeating those conversations under any circumstances, no matter what that information is. Because even if we see it as helpful or supportive to another, we don’t need to be reminded of our faults or transgressions in any way.

In my humble opinion, we do do not need to be kept isolated and separate. We have already proved we can get along with more than forced civility, have a good time together, cultivate loving friendships and shared interests above and beyond you as the focus. This is the caveat; there is to be no discussion of problems with any third party. There is no discussion of sexual acts with anyone to anyone else, or showing marks of play or sex to anyone else that come from intimacy with you. All are potentially hurtful, disrespectful regardless of position, and all are inappropriate behavior.

Since we in no way have a power exchange relationship and your desire is to not have one with me; then the sandbox remains even and level. What is asked of me will be presumed to apply to you as well without exception, unless we discuss otherwise. Any less is a power exchange relationship with me submitting to you, and you accepting my submission. Anything else is manipulation by way of orders and threats. Manipulation doesn’t serve either of us. It is not loving. It is not filled with trust. If we cannot come from a loving and trusting perspective for each other even in anger or disagreement, then we destroy ourselves and each other in the process.

All My Love

Time to go back to work

I did everything I could to stall yesterday. Changing my clothes far too many times. Makeup. fixed my hair until it wouldn’t behave. Finally got out of the house early afternoon. Stopped for coffee. Stopped for cigarettes. Drove to the hospital…..

I’m stalling now. It’s no one’s favorite task. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow…

They fused her cervical vertebrae yesterday morning. They will repair the 5 breaks in her pelvis this afternoon. They tell me a leg and arm is broken as well.

The room is dim, almost dark. My eyes adjust slowly, Skinny chrome arms reaching out, machines with buttons and eerie green displays, and clear tubing everywhere. The stench of disinfectant.
I don’t really know where to touch. Afraid to cause any more pain.

A hand, a shoulder, her face are the only parts uncovered. Gently, I reach over the railing and touch her hand and then her shoulder. I love you honey, I whisper in her ear and stroke her hair.

She’s barely lucid and can only look straight up because of the collar, but recognizes my voice. *tears*

That you C?

Yes Honey.

I breathe myself into her. She lets me in slowly but not hesitantly; deeper and deeper.
I’m swirling in the darkness of her. Muddy. Confused.

An empty shell. I simply cannot feel the essence of her. Nothing. Just her broken body.
I keep my fear in check as I withdraw myself. Slowly. I keep stoking her hair.

How you feeling?

I’m soooo tired. Need. To. Sleep. Just pushed. The druggy button, she whispers.

Honey, I’m going to send Linda and Robin in now. They don’t have much time before they have to go back. I’ll come back and see you. I promise. Ok? I Love you. I kiss her cheek. Gently. Oh so gently.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OMG, she’s broken. The she-goat woman who shares a birthday year and a birthday week with me. I can’t fix the one who takes multitasking and “get ‘er done” to a whole ‘nuther level. I can’t fix this woman who has taken care of everyone. Just because they needed…

I want to scream and cry and puke all at the same time.

I want to look her in the eyes and connect. In my mind I beg, Hear me please….

Listen, You She-Goat. SURRENDER. Let those who know, fix your bones. Sink into yourself and find your heart. Mend it. We will wash you clean with our Love for you and your departed Beloved. We need to help you. You need to let us. You cannot do it all alone. For once, help us help you.

But she’s not listening. She’s not there. She’s broken.

There are so many words I could choose to describe Terry. Words that convey strength of character; conviction, loyal, integrity, and honor. There are other words too; loving words of kindness, caring, generosity, and compassion.

There is one word that starts my thoughts of him, and comes between each and every one of the other words that describe Him; the word that ends my thoughts of Him is simply, Friend. A true and genuine, Friend.

Today I have not lost. I have gained. Today I am doubly blessed. I will forever carry my Friend deep inside my heart, and now I have an angel on my shoulder….

And in the blink of an eye it could all be gone.

We carry on over death.
And forget tend to the living as if we, or they, will live forever.

*blink*

There’s always tomorrow.

*blink*

Is there always a tomorrow?

*blink*

We piss and moan. We allow our ego to speak unkind words. We allow ourselves to become frustrated and angry with the ones who mean the most to us. Our Beloveds. Our Family and Our Friends.

*blink*

We forget to say, Please or Thank You.

*blink*

We forget to say, I Love You.

*blink*

There’s always next time.

*blink*

Not today.

*blink*

And now is gone

in a

*blink*

I was still standing in the middle the kitchen. Helpless. Crying when Muse came in the back door. Unannounced. I never thought…he surprises me……..

He can see my confusion, my anguish, my helplessness. He can see the drops of my heart and soul dripping. Drip, drip, drip on the floor, mixing with the salt water tears..

Terry, You old fucking coot. Why the hell did ya have to go and die like that today for? We were always supposed to have one more beer and one more smoke on the porch. And laugh…..like we used to….

A Little South of Sanity.
It it wasn’t so ironic right now it would be sick. Or hysterically funny.
Ok. Going with the latter

and because I feel sick and twisted today

The first thing and the hardest lesson I learned about anything is that I am my own. What I give to anyone is of my choosing, and most precious because of it. The gifts I give from my heart are limitless as long as I believe it so.

The second thing I had to learn is equally as hard and comes hand in hand with the First. He is his own. What he gives to anyone is of his choosing and most precious because of it. The gifts he gives from his heart are limitless as long as he believes it so.

The third thing I had to learn is that when the butterfly lands, it only takes one to look at it as a thing of beauty; as a great gift. It matters not if anyone else sees the gift or the beauty. That is between myself and the butterfly. It is not wrong however, to want others to see that gift the same way. It is only flawed when I expect anyone else to see as I see.

And the fourth thing I am learning is that we choose to let the butterfly land, just as we choose to close our hand. In the first, we must be still to take in that beauty. For the second, we must remember to dismiss it lightly and ever so gently. We cannot blame the butterfly for landing. To do so dismisses the both beauty and the gift. We are to never damage the wings of the butterfly, or prevent it from landing elsewhere.

All these lessons are tied to Walking With Grace. And I am still learning to walk…..

We (women? Or type A’s?) have a tendency to over think things don’t we?

Revisiting the same issues over and over, continually dusting them off when some things should be left alone; left for the dust to cover them completely in some dark corner. Or perhaps, put away for good.

Speaking as a woman, that is….