Seems I’ve been pretty good about getting rid of men in my life the past week.

Two down.

The first after being smacked upside the head with an answer to what I thought was a pretty innocuous inquiry about Muse’s clear ambivalence towards the love affair I am having with his slave. If he was pleased or not about the direction it was taking?

Wow.  It was a nice lunch with light conversation. As he was getting in his truck, his apology that he didn’t have more time for me this week and me replying I understood how much was on his plate especially knowing others had more immediate needs than I did right now. His reply came as he quickly buckled his seat belt and reached around me to close his truck door.

I didn’t just get my heels nipped at…..When I heard that just because I was involved with her, he was not sure about picking ANYTHING up with me again; well it was all I could do to politely thank him for answering my question and tell him I had to go.   I quickly turned around and left without a backwards glance. Fuck.  I asked for an opinion and guidance from a longtime friend. Guess that was a no, huh?

He hasn’t missed many opportunities the past few weeks to say something shitty directly after telling me that he’s never stopped loving me, giving me long lingering, warm hugs and kisses, granting every request I’ve made for time with him if he had it, or like the other day; apologizing for not having more time to spend with me.  Either he or I are stark raving mad, and honestly I don’t think it’s me. He called his slave and told her he thought he had just pissed me off.  She told him my feelings were HURT and I wasn’t in a good place but we were working on it.  Uhhhhh….yeah.  WTF?

I returned the last of his tools to his house that same day.  Yanno, his tools are not what I need from him.   If we are to put the past in the past then I need to remove the last of the obligatory strings. Clear the slate both literally and figuratively if anything including friendship is going to continue here. How long I will step away will be determined at a later date.  It’s healthier FOR ME this way. I feel nothing but “toxic” and it’s emotionally upsetting. It hurts my heart.

The second, a friend who I *had* a lot of respect for and someone who has been a protector and mentor.  In the middle of a discussion about being stuck in my depression, how he handles his and his view that I think on too much “bullshit” and all my problems stem from not having a “Man”, in particular one he thinks I should be with; he suddenly told me to FUCK OFF because I was argumentative and combative. WTF?  Ok.  I can and will.  End. Of. Conversation.  Thank you very much and you owe me $30.00 for rope for 6 weeks now so drop that at a mutual friends house. Never ask someone who is bipolar for advice on depression when they are in their manic phase…

There seems to be a pervasive view that accepting someone for who they are also means you can have no personal boundaries and will gladly tolerate bad behavior. Especially if you are a submissive female?

While I hope people can accept me for who I am, and I them; I am under no illusions we are all prone to bad behavior *at times* and that comes with the territory.  While I in no way expect someone to tolerate or excuse bad behavior from me, I don’t expect I have to take it from anyone either.

And all in all, despite the hurt and WTF? factor here, I am proud of myself for not turning this inward and using it as an inquisition against myself about where I had gone wrong.  What had I said that was wrong?   What was wrong with me? What did I do, NOW?   Both of these men acted in a totally inappropriate manner as friends and mentors.  Not cool.  I talked to both from my heart in honesty and asking honest questions.  I disrespected no one and received profound disrespect in return.  I am not here to take bad behavior as a matter of course.  And then excuse it because…..well….I always do with some half baked excuse so they won’t be mad at me and to keep the peace.  To prove I Love them warts and all.  I do.  But I don’t accept the bad behavior.

A sister commented to me the other night that she seems to be fed more completely by the Female Dominants and sister submissives than men these days.  Yep, me too.  Wonder what the fuck is up with that?  Hmmmmmm……