It was not an agonizing decision. We were all supposed to gather tomorrow evening to raise a glass to him. His birthday was Tuesday.

Muse was with him over the weekend and left the things I gathered in Cali just before he died. He left him the love I carry in my heart and a special message only the three of us fully understand. *soft smiles*

I decided to not go tomorrow after responding this morning that I would attend. While it would be lovely to see everyone, I just cannot deal in this sadness any more than necessary. No, the saltwater tears are not done. Not by a long shot and they may never be, done.

But….

Something I feel is more pressing. Something I am compelled to learn. So, I have chosen another path for tomorrow. Simple. It serves me more to go this route than the other right now. And it is about me. It is where I have gone wrong so many times before. Not listening to me. To my heart. This decision, for the first time in a long time, is not out of fear. Not from of some self protectionary measure about being seen as vulnerable, or sad, or crying. Again. And. again.

Perhaps it is extremely shortsighted to think there will always be another time to see this group so dear to my heart for so any years….for there may not be….at any time…in a *blink*…they too could be gone. And yet, it is not my heart to do so tomorrow. What I chose feels right and it feels right without attachment to outcome.

So that is the path I must take…