When he handed me the program and the pictures of you the tears instantly gushed down my cheeks and on to the floor. Another puddle of salt water in the wake of my grief. He peeked ever so gently into my heart and quickly looked away as he saw the blood slowly dripping from my heart, again.
That was nearly a week ago after arriving home. My sleep is interrupted in technicolor with wild and disturbing dreams…I cry often…

~~~~~

I’m tempted to wrap you in tissue and put you away in the box. You know, the box that holds memories we cherish but can’t stare at too often or for too long. You know, the box that brings an inward sigh and rivers of tears. You know, the ones we all have tucked away in the dark recesses of our minds and our hearts.

I’m tempted to leave you where you sit; now framed in dark wood next to the bottle of Ratafia wine. My favorite white dessert wine in a hand painted bottle that can only be purchased in New Mexico. The wine you and she bought back especially for me from your trip 2 years ago. It’s ridiculously funny to leave you there looking over the antique bed where I sleep and fuck random strangers in attempts to forget loss after loss. You know…we’ve both been there. I’m still there. But you’re not here.

I’m tempted to hang you on the wall where I will hang the others I call The Departed. You know, those pictures of great and not so great Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents from childhood. You know, those now intangible memories from so long ago. You know, the tears flow when it feels not-so-long-ago.

Is that what you are now? Another intangible on the wall? Barely a whisper of words I loved to hear.
You take care of you, you hear? I miss you. I Love You, Dear.

It’s just plain silly to miss you so. A past I cannot change. An altered reality. Acceptance is difficult today. I haven’t seen her. I am afraid for her to see my tears. She has enough of her own. She doesn’t need mine. I want to rent a car and drive to North Platte and sit with you for a spell. I have some jade and a sand dollar I picked up on the beach. I have some news for you as well.

::sighs::

I know you won’t mind me putting you out here. Somehow it makes you seem more tangible today. You know?

Love you, Dear….