I met him about a mile down the road for a glass of wine.
Actually a glass of Peach Mead from my favorite winery here on the west slope of Colorado. All well and good but there wasn’t enough brain food there to continue the conversation.

I find it interesting that the chat we’ve been having the past few days was pretty stimulating. But in person it fell flat for me.
I don’t care about the reasons why. It just didn’t work.

Here is the realization I had when I got back to the house and Muse was questioning me about what happened. Oh, he was a bit concerned, btw. I told him an hour and it was longer than that so he was thinking about calling to give me an out when I walked in the house. *grin* I need to remember to take my cell with me. For some reason I didn’t. Probably because I was less than a mile down the road.

Anywhoo, somewhere in the conversation as we were putting my car back together, I told him that I’m not looking for nice or good or ok. I’m looking for outstanding. Because I am. And I want nothing less. I felt so much more interesting and dynamic than my date. Blah…..It’s can’t be that way for me. No intrigue.

I need to do this for the right reason. But of course. That goes without saying. Or does it? As women we know we can snap our fingers and get all the attention we want, when we want it. All we have to do is show a bit of skin and give a provocative glance. But do I really want it? Well, that depends. My neediness overwhelms me sometimes.

I need to do this, not to get “attention” and not to get out of his hair for the evening and give him some space. Yah, I told him that.

Muse pointed out since I don’t feel the need to get laid, *giggles* I can concentrate on “just dating” for the pleasure of it. I can do this without my hormones running the show as in so many times before. Exploring to a greater degree what i like and don’t like. Without attachment to sexual outcome or any other outcome.

It feels ok and it doesn’t feel threatening. As a matter of fact it has reduced some of the threat for a lot of things for me. One of them being Muse’s dating and my fear of being shoved aside, shoved out of his bed, shoved out of his life.

We had another talk about disclosure last night too. We’ve gone back and forth about it. What we tell others. I’ve been mulling this as I usually tell we sleep together pretty quickly. He only tells he has a female roommate.

We both feel that for the most part, he won’t be taken seriously by women if they know more than just a roommate. Men on the other hand….most say it’s OK because it fulfills a slut fantasy. They automatically get some too and they don’t have to do much in their eyes to get it. It lowers the bar. I am not going to stand for lowering the bar.

We agree and have decided it is simply none of anyone’s business what we do in our home or with each other as far as physical and emotional intimacy goes. There are other things too. It’s no one’s business that I will be doing his finances. It’s no one’s business that we do most of our processing with each other. Meaning…we have a lot of “secrets” about others that are kept between *us*.

Perhaps that’s not the “right” way to go about it. Perhaps it is living a lie. But neither of us feel the need to change the situation for something we don’t know about….

I’m pretty happy with that all around. And it’s best for all. Yanno, we each have our own sphere of autonomy. And then we have a couples type sphere of autonomy as well. One based on an intimate and deep friendship. One we sometimes take for granted and overlook. I know after last night that our sphere wants some nurturing. Not because of sex but because of the friggin’ mind blowing, mind fucking, eye contact thing we do. Orgasm without touching. It felt like we both lowered the shield again. As it was. As it should be. It hasn’t happened in a while.

There is plenty of room for intersection in his sphere outside ours and there is plenty of room for intersection in my sphere outside ours. But there is no room for intersection of others inside our sphere. That is clear to me now. And I don’t see it changing. That’s good. It’s really been a major tap root in my insecurities and neediness right now. I feel that tap root shriveling…..