Trusting he wouldn’t use
it to shred me.

He looked at it in surprise.
And asked where I found it
as he thought he put it away.

It’s the symbolic sword, I said, as I handed it to him
Looking in his eyes for some indication and at the same time
trying to shove away hope in the outcome of my action.
I don’t know what this is about, as he tossed it on the bed.
We’re done.

We hugged and he gave me a kiss. I stole another from his mouth.

I always steal another. He doesn’t seem to mind much most of the time.

But I know too that sometimes he is uncomfortable in it.

I told him I don’t want to cut my roommate and someone I Love
very much to shreds.

He hugged me tighter and pulled me in full body, pelvis to pelvis.
And it implies desire, not anger. Want. It’s safe now.
Don’t worry he told me.
He knows I worry far too much.
Try too hard in in the process, push on what should be left in the past.

I know where his heart is.
It’s with another. And may always be there.
And that’s ok.
No one replaces another, ever.

He misses her.
He wants her.
He’s lonely.
Needs outweigh wants.

He doesn’t need her.
He knows that.
He wants her
And everything she cannot be….in her.
She can never be what he wants.
She can never fill the holes
and make it whole.
I can’t either. He tells me
I fill a lot of them
That’s difficult to hear because
what I hear is I don’t fill enough of them
or the right ones.
Instead of hearing what I do fill for him and
be grateful he lets me in to do that
for him, as his trust in me.

I know she feels the same way.
Not being able to fill all the holes.
And lord knows I would move
heaven and earth for this man.
I cannot do that for anyone. Not just him.
He resists me filling more for him
Making that attempt
Maybe it would hurt too much to find
I cannot. Something he knows and
I do not. Or maybe I already know but have
misplaced acceptance with hope
Wants over needs? Desire….

It’s somehow oddly taboo between us
It wasn’t once in the lovemaking and kissing
It’s fucking. Fucking is safe.

And the fucking is good. Very good.
Nothing more. He insists.
Nasty hot monkey sex
Yes the best but I know he desires her.
Emotional distance, no intellectual stimulation
is protection from falling off the ledge…..
No time to do it wrong

He needs himself most of all right now.
Just like I need myself most of all too.
And we need each other as mirrors
to take those steps we need
It’s a challenge. It’s conflict. Conflict hurts.
Conflict is not safe.

He needs patience and acceptance even
if he doesn’t understand
why we all think he is worth it.
Or he simply doesn’t want it from us.
He needs absolute trust
I need to give it willingly.
With my heart.
As a gift.
Not as a struggle with the leftover men ghosts of my past.
Some I can but I hear my insecurities as they niggle to the front
There is nothing for him to “prove” to me
He already did that. He continues as hero.

I think he looks at us in the friendship as not
being a “real” relationship because of no romance.
We do in so many ways. Yes it’s real
Not pretend. Not practice. Learning of one another.
We do but the boundaries are blurred. Fluid.
I like that. I struggle with that.

He knows he will fuck up
anything in the romance department
right now. Perhaps always.
I hope not. For his sake.
It’s the self fulfilling prophecy to
keep himself safe.
I do that with married men.
Create something that keeps me safe.
No fuck ups. No chance of
another fuck up.

I understand that feeling of not feeling worthy
of not really being able to give all.
Of not being ready despite mouthing the words
of feigned self-confidence.

It why the door opens a crack and then shuts with a loud bang
as he backs away as the first sign of conflict, not able to trust, not safe.

I’m not listening, and I’m not hearing.
It’s the why of most of the conflict.
He tells me everything I need to know about him.
I’ve never had a Man in my life
who was willing to speak this candidly.
I’ve never had a Man in my life.

I have nothing to worry about.
He’s told me so, time and time again.
He knows my fear of being “left out” and
shoved away…..made to leave or leave his bed
because most women will not accept a
female roommate under these circumstances.
Of making plans and then changing them for someone
else. The choice if nothing else better comes along.
That’s how it was with my last roommate.
Plans forgotten. Never a yes, always not sure
or if I not doing something else.
And resentment if I held him to his word
or showed disappointment.
I ceased to ask.

So who will he choose?
He says not a woman who gives him shit about
his best friend in his house.
He won’t choose that way
He told me last week
Not to worry
I won.
I told him it wasn’t about winning or loosing.
But it is, isn’t it?
Funny I don’t feel that way with others.
Others, they treat him better. They treat him as he deserves to
be treated. Whether they fuck or not. It doesn’t matter.

No, we’re not creating romance
It’s awkward in front of me
as much as I want want want to
take his hand and lead him away
Ravish him. Feast upon him
I can’t. I stumble for fear of being turned away.
Hesitant on the reception.
And then, feeling ashamed in it all.
Like I’m pushing myself on him.
He needs to lead it so I am sure.
Or does he?

Romance…..We both want it
Passion…..we both want that too
I need surrender with a Man who I trust.
Just once. Just once enables the action again and again

Neither one of us capable. Ever?
Neither one of us trusts ourselves enough to do so.
To let go. To get that close with anyone.
Except we are with each other.
As much as we can be knowing the icky
bits, seeing the icky bits, knowing the secrets and the
skeletons we all hide. Dark desires of our psyches.

His sleep was disturbed last night.
Not sure if he wanted me there
he growled and snorted and snored
grabbed me by the arms and sleep talked
no, and don’t…..

I didn’t ask where he went.
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t influence anything or how I feel.
He needs autonomy
And absolute trust.

I heard him talking last night after he came in
muted but heard my name a few times too as
he moved around the house.
Was it *my” name? Or another’s name?
I haven’t asked and likely won’t
It niggled a bit, my insecurities immediately coming
to the surface. Is he telling someone he’s
angry I’m in his bed? No one really knows I sleep there.
Is he dissing me because of his anger?
My insecurities try to override any trust.
My heart pounds despite knowing that in a few hours the incident is
of no consequence. Not forgotten. But not taking any space.
I give these things too much space.
I already knew from the hug when he left that it would be ok.
He needs time.
He doesn’t disrespect me to others.
I know that.
I don’t like anyone knowing the particulars.
I need autonomy too. Sometimes I need to be invisible
Their perception of me is colored by his words
not my actions. They don’t know me.
And yet….it is process. He needs his process away from me.
With those who know him differently.
He has his own mind, not the mind of others.
He is his own man.

I hope he did what he needed
But I get the feeling it was not want he wanted.
He’s not marked.
She always marks him in some way.
And I think some of that is purposeful as
she knows we sleep together no matter what he tells her.
She knows and hates it and doesn’t see it’s of no consequence.
His heart is with her and she just doesn’t see
that she could have it all and win.

He smelled of another.
Sweet.
I couldn’t help drinking the scent.
Not her, Not of wild sex.
She smells different.
I’m sure, I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter
I like what I smell.
And moving as close I felt he would tolerate
Not pushing but still wanting closer.
Yummy. She smelled so good.
He knows I find it erotic.
Other women’s smells or perfume on him.

A date tonight for him and then I am
off to a party for a former departing coworker
in SE Colorado Saturday
He is paying for the hotel and food and my gas
A loan I am very reluctant to take.
He insists, so I have no choice
because he is right….it is unreasonable
to be up all day, drive 3 hours, be at a party
and then drive another 3 hours home in the
dead of the night only to catch a few hours
of sleep in the back of the car somewhere
in between. I prefer it but,
It’s unreasonable of me to not think
of him having to ID my body.
He has my best interests at heart.
I know he does.

Everything else is inconsequential.
Trust. Not, acquiescence.
Not shoving it down and puking it back up later.

I want to wake with him in the morning smelling another woman on him.