Nor do I want yours.

There is nothing to forgive. Nothing.
We are who we are.

I got an e-mail this afternoon. I am having a hard time telling her no. I might go for a fuck date tonight.
I took it as asking advice and gave it.

I told him I didn’t know what to say. What did he want to hear? Not to? Ok don’t. No good can come of it but if that’s what he wanted to go for it. I was sorry he felt that way. Really. And then I sent the second e-mail. She knows you and you let her. I’m amazed at what women can get way with when they have a golden pussy. Go for it. Pffffttttttt

Scolding him it sounds like I am sure. Yet it is the truth. He will do anything for her pussy. She has no responsibility. They were never friends, They can’t ever be friends. *shrugs* They use each other.

Escalated. He’ll never mention it again and how he’s not going to ask my opinion about her again.. I’ve made my feelings known loud and clear.

I’m shocked by the e-mails. We talked about this the past two nights. How he is not doing that. How proud I am for him sticking to what he said he wanted to do even tho I knew it was so hard.

Escalated. I’ve ruined supper in the pressure cooker and Joe isn’t off my ass. But I am not pissed *at* him He’s just mad he didn’t hear what he wanted to. And not to punish me for that.
Escalated.

In the meantime, he’s read the last post here.

Escalated.
Escalated.
Escalated.
Escalated.

He needs to go. I stand up from the bed and hold out my arms. His hands go up in a stay way gesture as he takes a step backwards. He’s posturing…..
I’m still….(angry)
I know, I’m not asking for a hug, it’s more about wanting to give *you* one.
He hugs me tighter than usual.
Ok, he says and I can feel him relax a tiny bit. But I know he’s still angry. His entire body is hard. I can feel the adrenaline and the testosterone surge.

Anger. And I’m really not sure at what except that I didn’t let him off the hook this time.
I think initially it was at him not being able to hide. And shame. And once again assuming I would be as disappointed in him as he is in himself.
I’m not. I never have been.
It’s a smokescreen and an excuse.
He doesn’t need to justify anything to me.
He only has to justify it to himself.

I should have stopped at the first exchange.
Nothing translates well in text.
We both know that.
Can you see the trap for both of us?
All in the name of pride.
Both of us backing up and trying to “recover”.
Defending our positions to the nth degree.
Painting the other and ourselves into a corner.
And now no way to save face.
Then trying too hard to be too polite in the avoidance of it all.

It’s so easy to push people away.
To try so hard to prove how unlovable we really are.

So easy to see things as we are instead of as they are.
For the both of us.
Stubborn shits that we are….

No big deal, right?
It is what it is.

There is something else he hasn’t spoken of oddly enough.
His divorce was final one year ago tomorrow.
I really want to give him a hug for that pain he still feels and cannot acknowledge
except in terms of not feeling anything about it. Of not allowing the grief of it.

I am NOT building the wall this time.
I am not running away as much as I would like to
Not happening.
He can build the wall.
He cannot trust.
Or he can attack if he wants.
His choice.
My choice is different.
I’d rather be cut to ribbons in the surrender……
I trust he won’t
I have to because
I have no other choice to live the life I want,
and to learn the lessons I need.

I honestly don’t know where to sleep tonight.
He says I can sleep where I want when he’s not here.
And in his bed unless he wants to sleep alone.
I want in his bed.
Not to pretend nothing happened today.
I want him to feel safe and know I am not angry at him.
Not asking for forgiveness. Not giving forgiveness.
Just want him to know I am there, regardless.
Even if he is not.

I hit that point today when I hugged him.
Despite his anger.
Despite the conflict.
It melted away.
We are who we are.
We all want to be cherished
and accepted
and loved.

This too will pass.
It is past….