Journal entry 17 June 2009  the long ramble….

Slowly is the name of the game right now.  I am so dammed impatient.

Sleep comes better when I am not up until 1am involved in a discussion-most nights – so much for the no talking after 10:30pm rule, or as in the case last night, fucking with wild abandon.  *G*

Good thing he has somewhat flexible hours. Anytime before 9 is ok.  He hasn’t been to work before 8:30 since I got here.  We agreed it’s just too dammed comfortable in bed together.  We need to work on that. I am the morning person.  He is not. I think I will start getting up earlier and bringing him coffee.  He’s slow to wake.  He likes when I bring him coffee in the morning.

Yesterday was sooo very difficult…I sobbed thru the morning after we got up….he spent as much time with me as he could before running off to work trying to cheer and soothe my frustrations about our discussions and fight the previous evening.  I sobbed thru most of the day, but managed to take care of business…finally a reinstated bank account that actually has some money for the next two months. As well as learning that my two youngest already decided to make good on loans to them from last year after hearing how much I spent for my very bad time in New Mexico.   Money I never expected to see.  Wow, they are something else.   I finished cleaning the 2nd bedroom except for the really heavy stuff.

He’s going tell her we are living together on their date this week.  See what happens.   He may or may not tell her we are not having sex and just sleeping together.  Well,  except that was indeed true earlier in that day-it’s not now.  This is a test to *her* jealously and possessiveness level. What she says and how she really acts/reacts. He reads body language well.  Those are behaviors he absolutely cannot handle.  He has many platonic woman friends.  He wants to keep our friendship “unchanged”.    As I explained….I know all to well what happens…friendship gets put off in the interest of what the woman wants as long as it’s semi-reasonable and doesn’t emasculate the man.   It’s clearly not what he wants to happen to our friendship.  His conflict.

We talked about our separate and joint weekend plans.  We need to get my daughters bed here..the 2nd bedroom is almost clean.   It’s her 40th birthday.  He wants her to remember it warmly.  I like the fact that he is so considerate this way.  That he has so much compassion for others.  That he wants to treat her right.  Why? Because he treats everyone this way.  Including me.   The disappointment of not seeing him sexually anymore…can wait.  I think too….it’s all very convenient to use “dating someone” in an effort to explain waning interest, without going into the nuts and bolts of why we are not interested anymore, and breaking hearts.

We talked about his upcoming date Thursday, how long it will take him to get her into bed…I think on the third date, and he thinks at least 5 dates.  He thinks her slowness to answer his e-mails and phone calls the past few days, means she’s juggling more than one other.  Fine for now he says.  At some point she has to choose.  He wants the opportunity to do some work knowing it’s not permanent but not all about sex.   He wonders if he really can.  If he is ready.  Good.  About time.

HA!  He hopes I’ll win the bet…he gets her into bed in three dates.  I told him then,  I hope he wins; it means I don’t get kicked out of his bed sooner.  *laughing*  I remarked that at least I would know by Friday morning after their talk about me living here if I get kicked out of his bed for good.   He gently and matter of factly told me not to give it another thought.    Likely that won’t occur any time soon if at all.  He doesn’t really expect it anyway.  But I honestly don’t feel he wants that to particularly happen.  We are entirely too comfortable together.   We both know it and freely admit it.   But he throws me the hard line.  How will I react?  My test even tho he flatly denies it.

I also reminded him if a woman will not tolerate us *just* sleeping together, much less being in the same house showering together, sharing private space or being nude around each other…..that Greece was probably off the table too.  He let me know loud and clear not to worry about that either.  We are going to Greece.  The two of us? Or with the current girlfriend?  He laughed.   Yep, just the two of us.  You and me.   Period.   It’s over a year away.  He doesn’t expect *any* of this will be serious enough to last anyway, it’s just a step *into* dating again.  So why the turmoil of the ultra hard line here with me, all the what if’s? Another test?  *rolls eyes*

He’s clear about not forcing anything serious.  But is open and wants more than a fuck buddy and booty calls.  I can’t blame him.  I don’t either. He also needs to “engage” fully. I know that.  He considers every woman a challenge and likes stripping away the layers.  I asked for that when I first got here.   Based on our last conversation in March when he outright asked if I will *ever* give myself to him fully….surrender…At the time, I told him I couldn’t…I was afraid I could not separate…I would want what he could not give.  And too I would again be 3500 miles away.   In that case it would change the face of our relationship where no good could come of it.  If he could live with that I would give him what he wanted.  He said no.

Last week, I softly asked…told….I want *him* to be the one who removes the last remaining layer.  For the experience and the joy in it. Because I trust him with my emotions and my heart.  Yes I need it from *him*. I want it from *him* and only him.  I think that scared him, as much as he wants it from me.  As much as he wants to give it up too.  Because he guards his heart as well.   He doesn’t want anything to be equated to the expectation of commitment in marriage like his last relationship.  He needs me to be absolutely sure of that.  More tests.

While we were preparing supper…he asked what I needed him for over the weekend with the heavy work I can’t do.  He told me he would give me one day if he could have the other for a small party   Asking permission, asking for a acceptance in a non-resentful or demanding from me, by acknowledging I need his help.  Giving me the opportunity to be gracious, accepting, and considerate when I know his needs. He told me he knows it’s her way of *forcing* time with him.   *shrugs from the both of us*  Yanno, I’m not upset I’m not invited.  I didn’t expect to be.  That feels good.  No issues.  He’s here at night when the kids are here.  We get plenty of time together.  We both recognize the selfishness on her part….that she won’t extend an invite for a simple birthday party even tho I’m here on the weekend with him and the kids because the party is on Fathers Day.  I’ll give his daughter the small gift I bought back from Hawaii when she gets here Friday night. I’m not baking a cake.  I don’t do competition. Besides, I think 3 birthday cakes in the past two weeks is plenty for a 7 year old, lol.   I think I’ll have her make blueberry muffins with me Saturday morning for breakfast.  He likes that I have taken to encouraging her cook with me.  She will be a good cook…she’s sharp, attentive and learns fast.  He remarked last weekend, it’s pretty clear how much you enjoy children. Good lord, I raised 3 of my own and helped with at least 8 others in a pretty substantial way. It’s an excuse to be a child with them. *wink*

After supper our talk turned to his ex and her sex, kink, and taboo.  What was she like?  What made the sex so good between them?  Oh, she is a freak, lol.    Super Freak, super freak.  Oh MY!   Then out of the blue, if you could act out any fantasy what would it be? What would he like?  What would both of us like to do together.    *giggles*   Oh really?  Back into exploring with me?   Our kink is almost the same.  But we knew that.   We talked of some of the things we did together over the years, bringing back intense and funny moments.  Both of us laughing and grinning and blushing wildly at the memory and enjoyment of it all.   Hmmmm…that’s a switch from recent days with his push away from anything overtly sexual between us.   He admitted to liking vanilla dating.  I suspect because it takes the pressure off his perceived poor performance issues.  But he does not like vanilla sex that much. It’s what I like about him.  He is also as much as a slut as I am.   Nothing is off the table for discussion…nothing is off the table in fantasy, and only a few things off the table for acting out. *laughs*

His questions..I know this man…designed to draw me out…ease me back in to comfort with him….how horny just the talk makes me.  Stinker.  He knows *all* this  already.   *laughing*  I remained unexpecting  this was leading anywhere but at the same time really wondering if, where, and how he would initiate with me.    We moved to the bedroom for bed-it was now pretty late and he asked if I wanted to watch some of his ex’s favorite kink links.    That of course it didn’t take long for either of us.  Don’t be shy, he says.  I know you are horny and really I don’t care if you masturbate. As if he really wasn’t all that interested in sex.   *roars with laughter*  He let me know *exactly* what he wanted and I let him direct it as he so loves to do.  Sometimes I think he knows me entirely too well.  He reads me easily and fluently.   Dammit.    We do this well together.  Too well.   His rhythm becomes my rhythm; his soft, now husky voice in my ear.  Calling me in *to* him, *out* of myself…I know exactly *how* you want and *why* you want.  I *know* your needs and wants and desires like no other.  I *know how* to give this to you. I know what makes *you* vibrate and how your body sings for me.  Give yourself to *me*.  Taunting me and demanding of me at the same time.  I love how me bites me.  Make me yours, leave your mark on me.  *sighs*  He does.  His eyes narrow to slits as he first surveys and then attacks my tender flesh. He goes for my neck and the soft hollow space in my throat.  I let my head fall back and stretch upward in an offering.  He bites my shoulders, chest, breasts and nipples while I moan and my orgasm climbs.  Again and again and again he sucks and bites.   I like to be marked by him.  Better if it’s hard enough to be left for days.   Greedy isn’t it?  I want to feel that greed for him.    There’s a delicious raw power in the action and in the reminder that stays…

I honestly don’t understand .He’s been plenty tender and…searching me in odd ways….since I got here,  only he’s stuffed it down for his own reason. No problems last night.  None whatsoever.  I’m not sure he entirely understands either; he knows there is a disconnect between heart and mind.   Not the why of it.  He doesn’t get that he simply can’t and doesn’t want to perform where he isn’t emotionally safe and doesn’t really have the affection to match.

He was stunned….clearly pleasantly surprise, but totally confused at his reaction in bed with me.  Baffled.  *grins*  Really?  Between us?  Hmmmm. Rarely ever been an issue over the years.  Sometimes after we’ve been apart for months it’s taken a time or two, in the re-sync.  But not after that. He once described his orgasms with me as a pulsating bright light, flowing  into me, filling me up.  He is the only, and I mean the only man, who I can detect the exact pulse and timing of his orgasm…..it’s so directed and so strong.   I can control it well,  and he lets me do so.  I tell him, I want this now. Fill me up. Utterly lovely and sexy as hell.   After resting a bit he asked me if I had held back just a bit.  Yep.  He asked me ever so softly to never hold back again.  He wants me to let go completely with him.   We never orgasm together.  Close…one after the other…me, him, me again….but never together.    I gave my word but at the same time let him know this time, it needed to be him first.  He beamed with pleasure, the silly boy…as if he was undeserving or something….and lay smiling for a long time.  I take pleasure in watching his peace and satisfaction in it all.  He got up suddenly, and brought me back a warm washcloth.  Something I usually do for him.   He told me it’s been a very long time since he felt that excitement and desire Weeks..no, months.  It threw him off.   *evil grin*  I know he’ll be thinking on this in the days to come.  Yes, he is fully capable. He always has been. At least with me. Trust and emotional intimacy.  Without the expectation translated into demands and obligations.

The upshot, as I mull it over this morning, is that he is taking time to give me what I’ve asked for.  He is listening, considering what and where he is capable and comfortable.  Being sensitive to my need for occasional time and attention above the mundane of daily life.  Full engagement.  Being honest.  Putting trust in that I am not nosy and overly jealous or possessive.  So I don’t feel left out.  Asking me if I want to see his e-mails and the responses between potential dates. Yes or no is acceptable.  Discussion about them.  My observations.   A trusted friend and a woman’s perspective.    Calls to let me know when he’ll be home.   Asks if I need anything additional for supper. He lets know his plans for the upcoming days. If he’s gone overnight….a phone call sometime before noon the next morning to touch base.  Sweet.  It’s the balance he’s talked about.  His way of finding a comfortable balance is different than mine.  Slower.  More considered.  And when he decides….deliberate and committed.

He pulled a bottle of Merlot off the top of the fridge and I gave him a nice wine bottle cover that I bought in Chinatown.   She wants to get laid.  He’s clear he won’t be able to repeat what happened between us last night…I know this to be true.  He takes a good two days after orgasms that strong to recover fully.  Is it too jealous sounding that I am a bit…..ummm….secretly glad he can’t in part because he’s tapped by our sex last night?  He’ll make sure to satisfy her, I know that.   But he won’t experience what he did last night.  He is ok with making her 40th birthday special for her. He’s not spending the night as she would like.  He hates sleeping at others houses.  He wants his own bed each night even if I’m in it.  *laughs*  Some like sleeping alone.  He does. He knows I don’t.

Thursday afternoon is a coffee date with my coffee only buddy, Al.  We were doing this 2x a month for about a year before I moved to Hawaii.  Love his company.  And the flirt. Time to get back into life and stop hiding.

Friday he picks up the kids right after work.  I am going to pick up some marshmallows and have him make a fire outside. We all love to roast marshmallows.

Saturday we are working around the house. Getting furniture out of storage. Moving the big dresser into my room.  I need to clean the bathrooms and do some re-arranging. I get his bathroom because it’s in my room. He is taking the main bath.  He says it’s for convenience.  But……easier to tell another woman I have my own room, and my own bath if necessary without going into too much detail?

Sunday I want to have the kids cook his breakfast. I want to work in the yard in the afternoon.  It will be a good break.   But, I’ve been invited for a beer and a bike ride with my buddy, Joe.  I wasn’t going to go but I may for the afternoon.  I am not going to fuck him as he so badly wants.  I don’t think anyway.  He is a cutie and an upstanding guy.   His wife is cool with it.  She told me so.  *laughs* She wants a three way one of these day.  Gawd…she is a doll. I could use a good fucking somewhere in the mountains.  He knows and approves. They work together.  Just as Joe and I worked together.   Now why the hell is that important?  His approval?

Shit….my days are starting to fill up.  I feel not so….empty and useless….busy is good.

This dance, *our* dance with each other….Letting him initiate is the best decision I’ve made. I need to remember to be patient.  To allow this man to be the man he needs to be, the man he wants to be.  In  the long run, he’s never failed himself or me despite my confusion at times between the thinking and feeling.   I am re-learning trust *with* him not just *in* him.  He sure let go last night.  That’s icing on this already sweet piece of cake. *wink*