It’s in waning stage right now. For me, personally.

Where is my self confidence?  Where did it go? How does it fluctuate over the course of our lives?

Saturday, the world is my oyster.  A glint.  A glimmer. Sunday evening, not so much.  At least not with respect to dating again.

It’s been higher, but it’s not something I think about per se. Maybe I should.

I never think about myself as a “gift”.  As a woman or a person. Not to anyone, not for anyone.

As a matter of fact I am always taken aback when anyone does anything *for* me….gifts of generosity, kindness, love, understanding.

When are you going to believe you are a brilliant, polished diamond, he asked as we curled up in bed last night.

I feel like I have so little to offer anyone right now (we were talking of dating or more specifically my reluctance to date again).  I have no job, no focus, no “house” of my own.  Who wants to date a 52 year old unemployed woman?

You have so much to offer.  Put a different spin on it, Rosa. You’re not destitute.  You just moved from Hawaii, you don’t need to work right now. That’s all you need to say.  Have you *ever* felt sexy?  Have you ever felt like the *gift* that you are?  Have you ever *felt* like a polished diamond?

Uhhhh….At times. No I guess not.  Not really, answering each one of his questions. He was looking at me intently as I answered. I could not hold his gaze without lowering my eyes, embarrassed about my admission of perceived unworthiness.

He rolled over and I spooned comfortably against his back, feeling his warmth as he tightly held the hand draped over his side.

Hmmmm….you’ve known me a long time, Muse.  What do you think about my self confidence over the years?

It’s been higher. You are at a low point. But it’s never been as high as *I* think it *should* be.  You are smart, articulate, well written, interesting.

How do you think of yourself?

Dynamic despite my “big” personality *laughing*, interesting,  can always find a way to get things done, problem solver, out of the box thinker, creative……

But not sexy?

Not really. I just don’t think about myself that way.  But sensual, yes.  Sexy is more than clothes. I find myself as sexy in ripped jeans raking the yard, focused on what I like more often than “dressed to kill”. But honestly, Muse.  I’m an average girl in face and form. I don’t ever feel particularly “pretty”.

You are *so* much more than that.  And you have a fine body.  More along the lines of a thirty something without surgery, endless diets and calorie counting, or an obsession with the gym.

You are sweet.

No, I’m honest. *chuckle* I have *no need* to gain “points” with you.  We are going to work on your confidence until you can say, I *am* a polished diamond.  I *am* a gift.  I am *sexy*.  I am *confident* in myself.  Don’t you think you have to carry that belief in yourself to get what you want?  To offer that to another?  To bring out the best in another?  It’s not at all about a pretty face…it’s the gut feeling there is something special *in* you or *about* you.  Something different.  Something a man is drawn to without really understanding the *why* of it.  That confidence, that bit of sexy is classy and appealing to men. They take notice.  At least the good ones do.

I’m quiet and thinking now about all he’s said to me with such soft *passion* and tenderness in his voice as he reached behind me to pull me close as we danced the just-before-sleep dance of stretching and rubbing skin-against-skin before finally drifting off . *sighing*

I really have to resist the temptation to ask *Why?*  Why are you doing this for *me*?

Ahhh……Old stories seeking validation….