It was the Zen card I pulled before yoga yesterday.  Particularly applicable given my current situation as well as the conversation in the car with my longtime friend, Chris.

Amusing to hear her feeding my words back to me about accepting what is, not worrying about being comfortable in my new home when I’ve been told to do what I need and make myself comfortable, not worrying so much, not trying so hard….

The yoga was good.  I completed the session well at 8500 feet.  A little ragged when we were done but it’s an intermediate level.  Not bad for one who has never done yoga formally.

My friend Chris also gave up her hour massage with her own daughter (and yoga instructor) to help with my stress and my whacked out shoulder.  She hit it right on first time identifying a previously torn and  now badly scarred pectoral muscle on the right side.  Wow I have about 90 degrees increased rotation this morning.

Balance.

He mentioned finding balance for all of us the other day.  Not letting either one of us feel left out because of this new arrangement.  It echos my effort to find balance for all of us as well.  She has been part of his life for near 4 years now.   It’s not a case of ‘top dog’ but she sees it as that…wants that more than anything along with being his “wife”.  His one and only.

It seems I’ve lost the bet we have. I’ll find out later. I told him last week it she appears to be trying really hard this time to put away her jealously. To accept his love on his terms this time.  To accept our friendship and my living here.  Previous to this…well we would see each other for a week at a time, but that ultimately ended.   I bet it would take at least a month to blow up again….he gave it two weeks.  Last night he went to see her and after much teasing, some playful kissing and my insistence on pulling him closer to me before he left….he let me know as he was leaving that she didn’t sound thrilled about him spending the night.  When they talked earlier in the day,  she admitting to having ‘problems’ with me being here.  It’s been a week to the day.  He saw my obvious distress.  No worries…not my problem.

She’s upset he’s now not available at the snap of her fingers.  I’m in the way of that.  She doesn’t want to be gracious, trusting, accepting that he can handle both relationships.  Primarily because she can’t handle it.  And because she doesn’t want to.  Previously they spent a good deal of time together.  This week,  not so much.  By default….by being here instead of 3500 miles away…and more importantly by being in *his* house, I am ‘too close’ now as ‘best friend’ and ‘confidant’.

This is exactly the shit I don’t want to be caught up in.  Why?  It forces me to put energy into something I simply don’t want to do.  On the one hand, I agree with her.  She shouldn’t have anything less than what she wants. Why should anyone? It’s not unreasonable to want what she wants.  It is however, with him, right now.

She isn’t exactly being left out, but the change to ‘less availability’ feels like it to her.  I get that.  I might feel the same to me at first.  And it has at times.  I also ‘get’ that I cannot, nor will I change my relationships based on someone else’s jealously and insecurity.  Especially when I’m clearly not being asked to.

Where is the balance?  Or should I say *my* balance.  I am not responsible for others balance or lack of it…

By being put in the middle, by her making this difficult for him, I am afraid there will come a time where I become less than gracious and understanding of the situation from her eyes. Not that I can convince my friend or change his mind.  I do not have that power.  But, at some point I won’t bother to couch my words or extend the energy of understanding, her way.

One balance point is to not ask and to let him share whatever information he feels comfortable sharing with me.  Why he refuses to discuss our activities with her….our relationship is not up for discussion under any circumstances…is her test.  Not mine.

To maintain a clear and unbiased perspective.  I told him to stop on the way down the hill and bring her a rose.  And that he better get laid and save some for me.  *giggles* Gawd, I love to make him blush like that.  Still, I feel a bit badly.  He’s in a hard position.  There will never be balance with her. She’s an all or nothing girl with stories that are are assumptive and based on  a lack of information.   He hasn’t and never will, give her that which she wants.

Other balance points for me?

Realizing I have needs.  Her needs are not my needs. I don’t *have* to consider hers at all.

He has needs.  His need to spend time with her is his need. And it is deserving of consideration. For him, but not specifically for her.

I deliberately refer to her as his ‘girlfriend’.  It helps me not cross a line. To maintain a certain distance.  To not be presumptive because I *am* here and naturally included in his life to a very large degree.  But I am not included in all of it. Nor do I want to be. Autonomy is healthy.  And necessary.

Balance.  I can understand not being balanced all the time. It’s a goal but it’s not reality.  The see-saw of it goes up and down all the time.  But I won’t play tit for tat.  Or who is “top dog’ this week by trying to keep him ‘busy’ with activities every night. *shakes head*.

What is good here is that I am comfortable in his presence and trust with my emotions.  I don’t have to be someone I am not to be loved and cared for.

Yay!  Maybe I’m more balanced that I think I am.