Trust issues have been either an outright recurring theme, or one that seems to wiggle in as a continual undercurrent lately in many discussions. We seem to be individually and collectively exploring the trust we place both internally and externally in “relationship”. And by “relationship”, I mean all relationship…..the one(s) we have with ourselves and the ones we have with others.
My comment to Greenwoman recently, Yes, trust in ourselves….at least that’s where I fall down with trusting others.
Well…DUH! If I don’t have trust in myself, I cannot cultivate that with another . It’s only as deep as I allow myself to go.
I have at least two types of trust relationships with myself. And I’ve never really thought of it this way before. But the trust relationship I have with myself regarding making a decision pertaining to say…finances or career path or other “tangibles” is pretty strong. I can “take care” of myself. I am self reliant.
This however is far, far stronger than the other trust relationship I have with myself when it comes to intimacy with another, because that one sends me into an immediate tailspin of doubt and second guessing.
In keeping with that train of though, I also have at least two types of trust relationships with others. Trusting someone will show up on time, keep their word, pay back that 25 bucks they borrowed is far different than bumping with *them* in intimacy and Love.
I was temped to say one is more superficial than the other but I’m not sure they are. They are however different…perhaps they are a “range” along the spectrum, or the other end of the stick as Gillette talks about.
Very simply, we build trust in ourselves based on experience, one at a time, over years . And so the internal feedback loop is started…didn’t work out…internal SMACK, divorce…Internal SMACK, bad decision…Internal SMACK, not good enough, didn’t love enough…SMACK, SMACK, SMACK….you get it. And so, each time we strengthen that negative feedback loop and move further away from internal trust.
At the same time:
The lack of our internal trust easily manifests with others as we superimpose those same SMACKs on top of just about everything…especially when it comes to intimacy.
Seems we’re bitch smackin’ the shit out of ourselves all the time.
Is it really that simple? The less we SMACK ourselves, the less we SMACK others with it; the deeper we can learn to re-trust ourselves and in turn, Another?
Still chewing this one……because “logical” doesn’t always translate for me….
Sands of Time 
“Seems we’re bitch smackin’ the shit out of ourselves all the time.”
Giggling.
“Is it really that simple? The less we SMACK ourselves, the less we SMACK others with it; the deeper we can learn to re-trust ourselves and in turn, Another?”
I believe it is. We get so understandably caught up in the blame game. It’s a scary world out (and in) there.
I am always more compassionate with others when I feel safe, whole, balanced and compassionate with myself. I always know when watching others that when I meet (or am) a meanie, they will always end up revealing their pain. The more I lack trust, the more I fear the more I protect, the more I get critical (toward myself and others). It’s so easy to forget that when someone close criticizes me, it’s because they constantly listen to that yelling voice turming it upon themselves. But if I’m there, too, then the war (both inside and out) start anew.
Do I blame myself for all I’ve fucked up, therefore putting me into a cycle of fear/blame/pain, shut down my heart in prickly protective erection of walls, which only leads to more pain?….
Or do I take simple, loving responsibility for all of my life/creations with gentleness, humor and grace…knowing that in the end, I have the power to shift my perspectives from a smack to an “aaaaahhhh…so that’s what that I/we created!!!”
Great post, Gal…moremoremore…;)…giggling again…
Yah, we sure do the blame game well. I never realized before that even tho I am more forgiving with others as a general rule (and honestly I think that has to do with internal story about my need for acceptance), that I am not so forgiving with myself. If I do more…If I behave a certain way…you know….*rolls eyes*
But you are right too…when I really think about it…when I am safest internally is when I am not just happiest and at my personal best, but “stuff” has less consequence in my life. My shit or their shit. Not by means of taking less responsibility in my life…or not caring.
I need a bit more attention to it right now. Back to chopping wood and carrying water…
I love your giggles Gillette!
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Trust, belief, faith,…..
Big one, huh?
How much less suffering would we incur if these things were more developed in us?
In the end, I think, it is all about feeling separate from the all-that-is, and therefore our foundation is shaky, and we have issues with trust.
Hopefully that doesn’t come off like a terrible oversimplification, but I really believe it is that simple–we like to make it complicated.
No, it is simple. Paring it down is good. We do have a way of over complicating….everything. We tend to think things to death and get lost in a very long story of disconnect.
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the wonderful thing about reading insightful, amazing bloggers is the links you find to OTHER insightful amazing bloggers.
this really resonated with me, profoundly.
My BIGGEST issue right now IS trusting myself- becuase I keep looking back at the life I thought I had and didn’t and say how could i be so DAMN STUPID. Why didn’t I see it? How coudl I be so close to someone and not KNOW? It makes me despair.
I have likened it to walking on quicksand – thiking you are on firm land and then suddenly, you realize your perceptions were all WRONG.
I’m definitely going to be camping out here along with M:e.
Welcome Selkie.
Love your quicksand analogy. Yah, being sucked down, unable to move.
I felt like a deer in headlights…paralyzed by the enormity of it all.
We’ve all been there…watching our world crumble and sinking into the abyss.
The life I thought I wanted and had..that was a hard one for me, I really had to go back and ask where I lost me in 15 years of marriage. Where did I allow the story to shift? And what story was I telling myself at moment in time?
A friend said recently about anther change for me, This is all supposed to be happening my friend. Everything, including your friend’s comments, the evil scum managers, and your cell phone breaking. :) Why? We don’t know why. Maybe we will some day, and maybe we won’t. Your job is to accept it. All of it. From that place of acceptance will come your clarity for the next action.
Trite? Too easy. Too flip? Except he is right. Once we do that..I do think we shift and trust in ourselves comes a bit easier. And without those SMACKS. Remember…it’s baby steps…we are learning to walk again.
((hugs))
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You have brought up an important point, as in everything else, it starts with us. We must trust ourselves first, we must love ourselves first. We cannot love or trust others which exceeds the amount we trust and love ourselves.
Aloha Mark!!
I guess I need to take that final step with/in myself because it is critical, vitally so, as I move along my next path. I know it’s there…
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Hi Rosa……M:e again. Just wanted to say that having found your blog through Shannee I’ve just spent a little time going through the archives here. Several of your postings have touched me most profoundly. Given there’s a lot here to read, if you see me camped out amongst your stats over the next few weeks, I’m not stalking you…. I’d just love to read some more.
love and hugs xxx
You are more than welcome here, M:e. I’m glad some of my process resonates for you.
I have been over at your place reading as well. I won’t take it as stalking if you don’t. lmao.
((hugs))
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Fascinating posting and comments. I am one of those who has recently been re-examining how I deal with trust.
I like what mydakini says here about ‘it’s so much easier to go ‘easy’ on someone else, to be gentle, forgiving, understanding, not be too harsh, and clearly see the root of the behaviour……but we seldom extend this compassion to ourselves’. I’ve seen that happen over and over again, both with myself and with others.
Within friendships, I’m pretty good at trusting both myself and others until I make a mistake. When I’ve misplaced trust in one person, it causes me to question my judgement and though I don’t stop trusting my other friends, I do stop trusting myself. I shut myself down more until I reach a point where I’ve worked through my issues around the misplaced trust and then I open up again. That can be difficult for others though who, when they see you withdraw, feel somehow rejected and distrusted and consequently withdraw themselves.
Like sorrow says, a spiral…….or a conundrum which I suspect only gets worked out over time and with practice and reaching a point of understanding.
love and hugs xxx
Boy, I am one forgiving friend. No problem, everyone has bad days. No problem, no harm done, of course everyone had bad moods, no offense taken….
So how come I can’t be one to myself? Expectations. Importance placed on a perceived outcome?
I find I do the same….shut myself off, lock others out. YES! I see others do the same…and I tend to internalize it as I’ve done something “wrong”. Even if I haven’t. Even tho I *know* it’s not *always* about me. O do know, in the absence of information we tend to fill in the gaps and create our own stories….ones about others and ones about ourselves…
((hugs))
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Ahh,
here we go again.
That spiral that either takes us in or out.
Is the glass half empty or is it half full?
Some days it’s half full and others half empty…some days I spiral in and some days I spiral out. Such is life, no?
Can I throw one more thing into that loop?
how about respect? Are you looking for respect in a relationship? do you respect yourself?
do you give respect?
Good questions, and for me, no. Not *always* on *all* counts. Again, I find that it’s stronger or perhaps more practiced some days than others. And even when I respect myself, this still translates into what I believe as not always enough respect for others. Perhaps that is simply an unrealistic expectation I have of myself. This self acceptance thing is *hard*, lol without shirking what I feel is my personal responsibility.
what about women who are attracted to that which brings them the most comfort? but also the most harm?
Is that a smack? or is that a set up? is it a conditioning to seek out that which is familiar, but unhealthy?
Yes, I think it’s a SMACK. And I think the resulting set up in choosing unhealthy is a conditioned one; we are demanding fulfillment elsewhere because we cannot see it within do to the internal, and I believe, largely unconscious chronic smacking we give ourselves. But it’s still SMACK. And still maintains a negative feedback loop. I had to ask myself the other day how often I actually take the time to sit down and look at my accomplishments – especially in some of the things I feel have been less “ideal”. How often do I list what I’ve learned about divorce? What I’ve gained in that process? WOW, those three divorces wored out pretty well, lol. See what I’m getting at? The honest answer is I don’t. I suspect that is true for many of us. smack, Smack, SMACK.
I often feel like if you focus on loving yourself, respecting yourself, and don’t worry about the rest of them. ( them being the other people in your circle of love/life) then you can only give what you give yourself, and the care you give to you will manifest in the care you give to others. and if some one doesn’t give what you need, you do not self blame, because, of course you have given your best, because thats what you give yourself. So you can move away with out a “smack”
What you say is true. And logically I do know this. We do, or at least i do, beat myself up in the process of living. Sorrow, I don’t mean regrets, or chronic disappointment, or even chronic self blame. I do think it’s very subtle and largely goes unnoticed until something bigger comes along to trigger it.
And I think it’s far easier to *say* I don’t care what others think, but we *all* do….to some degree anyway. Because we all want acceptance and love. All of us. It is part of the human connection….
That’s awfully long winded of me…LOL
but does it make any sense?
Perfectly. I like your thinking because you make me think, sorrow.
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YES! that’s it, the less we smack ourselves the less we smack others. Compassion, trust, love etc begins at home.
The trust we place in our casual relationships is not near as demanding as the trust placed in intimate relationships. Our expectations are minimal in casual encounters, and when it works out well we are much more appreciative in the casual relationship than we tend to be intimate relationships, because our conditions and expectations are zero to minimal. (unconditional something in action)
This is often very true of the relationship we have with ourselves, it’s so much easier to go ‘easy’ on someone else, to be gentle, forgiving, understanding, not be too harsh, and clearly see the root of the behaviour……but we seldom extend this compassion to ourselves, or those closest to us. Ourselves, and those we are most intimate with, are subjected to a far more stringent set of standards, random rules and a mysterious, ever changing minefield of possible missteps……why?
Say NO to Bitch Smacking! smiles!
What you say is true on both counts…it does *all* start at home and it’s way easier to have absolutely no attachment to outcome (borrowing from Sorrow) with a stranger or acquaintance. So what it the guy in line was rude and snippy? Or my friend was late for coffee? Oh well. But if it’s a lover…shit the whole story crumbles…suddenly the lover is a rude asshole with no self control instead of tired and having a bad day, is *never* on time…that inconsiderate jerk, etc. If it’s us it’s even worse, we operate the same internal dialogue with self blame and smacking instead of recognizing that our human-ness is indeed variable. And it’s attached to another (perceived) more costly outcome…I’m thinking ego here and still thinking on your comment….
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