I’m being handed an opportunity to again be a mirror and be mirrored in Another.

My time for isolation has ended it seems, or at least on this piece of floating rock in the Pacific.

My recent ex-roommate provided that mirror for me as I did for him, but I’ve come to realize in the months he’s been gone; I didn’t fully realize the depth of that reflection until *after* he left.  There is no good or bad here…I feel comfortably neutral about it…as in I’m not beating myself up in hindsight because I *know* we don’t always see the lesson immediately.  But overall,  it was good.  It was what I needed.  There was a huge teaching there for me in hidden expectations, assumptions, jealously and unconditional Love.

I now need sanctuary. Sanctuary in my heart and with the heart of Another. However temporary or fleeting.  It is what I need. I need that nourishment.

There is some fear in this for me. The offer was unasked for, is incredibly generous, and I was told I had no other choice in the matter. So, there is a part of me that wonders, Why *are* you, offering your sacred space with the confidence it won’t come to any harm between us? What is it *you* know, that I do not?

There’s a tremendous amount of trust there so I need to take that trust he has in me, turn it inward and let it blossom in my heart because I’m not so sure I have, at least on the surface, the same trust in myself.

There isn’t anything that he’s asked of me that is “unreasonable”. We’re both clear we each want to live alone. This is temporary. Other than that, he’s reiterated he doesn’t want to “define” things between us.

He’s asked me to cook (occasionally), to help around the house,  but most of all, to “green” his yard.  All I would do without asking anyway,  but that he recognizes some of the sources of my joy in life feels safe and tender. *smile*

And at the same time, he demands the best of me.  That’s scary.   What if….what if…I don’t measure up?  Yikes.  Honestly, I generally don’t give a shit what others think…I keep pretty good counsel in myself…

It’s been his desire for the past few years, to have me completely “let go”.  I have never been able to do that completely. Not with him, not with Another.  Not since my marriage dissolved.  It has been a source of dismay and personal disappointment to me on a lot of levels.  I want more than anything else to be able to fully “let go” with him, and with Another, and with/in me.

I need to let that go and just let it flower in whatever way it needs.

Here’s where the “yes”, and” and the “yes, but” appear to conflict. And holding ones heart but letting to go without a loss of “me” in there.  How to engage.  Where to engage, or not.  Eeeeks. Knowing full well this arrangement temporary and it *will* change the dynamic of what we are; I simply don’t know what that will be.

Despite some of the challenges living with my ex-roommate,  we are closer than we were previous to the experience.  How can you not be when you live with another in 500 sq ft of space for 5 months?  It’s not just about personal habits, who uses the bathroom when, over or under, or what they like for supper.  It’s seeing each others icky bits up close and personal and making a decision that most of it is small stuff and it’s not about *us*, even when we *think* it is.

So….nothing blew up, nothing dissolved in flames.  We still Love each other. Deeply.  And, I believe we both have a much greater appreciation, new found respect,  and truer acceptance for each other.   Perhaps that *is* one of the the hindsight lessons I need to take with me as I travel along the next part of my journey.

My biggest task here it is not the security or control in finding a job and eventual housing-that’s never been a problem and I don’t view it as such-but being able to look in the mirror without banging my head from looking too closely, and then breaking the darn thing, lol. Because that’s not the image I want projected. Flaws are fine.  Shards are not. You reap what you sow…