Normally I would say, NO. I try very hard not to put expectations on others when it’s outside a mutual “agreement” of some sort. And demands? As in the you can’t or I wont allow it variety. Rarely. Just like ultimatums. I generally don’t. Partially because I don’t like being the recipient, and partly because I’ve never really seen the need to do so.

There have been many times in the past two years I’ve been absolutely dumbfounded listening to my closest men friends/lovers sort through games with their current flames. Demands, expectations, more demands, a bazillion phone calls all times of the day and night, non-stop e-mail, snooping through their stuff, outright manipulation, and lots of you can’t do that demands centering around how they choose to live their lives. I’ve watched as they’ve caved. And listened when they bitched about it.

Truthfully, that’s irked me somewhat. After all, they don’t let *me* get away with that shit. If I did half of the things their girlfriends did…like snooping…I’d be out of their lives in a NY second. When I became whiny, overbearing, needy, short tempered, or had some kind of expectation…well, it was quickly squashed. Ok, I’m no saint…I said I *try* not to do these things. But honestly, it stung.

I’m been pointedly told, treat others how you wish to be treated. Be kinder than necessary. The past few months has had me in a snit…just once I’d like one of these men who are so flip with their advice to practice it on me. Instead of her. And her. And her too. What? These women have diamond studded pussies or something? Jealously? I don’t think so…more like wanting to feel there was some equability in it all. Why are others afforded so much friggin’ slack? And me feeling like I don’t get *any* if I fuck up in *minor* ways? Why am I held to a higher standard?

I’m thinking of a recent conversation with my former roommate…

I bet you think I’m just being mean to you.

I thought for a moment. No, I think you tell me things I don’t particularly want to hear sometimes.

You know there are very few people who will take the time to be honest with you and trust that you will actually consider what’s being said, and try to understand. Don’t you?

I paused again. Yes. I do. And I appreciate you do that with me.

That made me smile inside even if I was still plenty perturbed and thought him particularly snappish and entirely too…unkind in how he phrased his thoughts.

When I sorted through this with another friend….He told me I didn’t get to expect, much less tell others how to react to me. Huh? Why the hell not? You’re always telling me how to act towards others, remember? Be kinder than necessary.

I’ve chewed and chewed on this because clearly I was missing the point. Not hearing what they were trying to say.

And then I read these two quotes the other day.

This one by Anais Nin:

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

And this one by Ayn Rand:

A man’s sexual choice is the sum of his fundamental convictions… The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest…because only the possession of a heroine will give him a sense of achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body.

Could I really have been so blind? So consumed with the idea of needing to be *fair*, to miss the underlying message? A big ahhh haaa sigh….There have been…are….plenty of men who let me know that I have a special strength and special character. They admire that about me. Mostly tho I dismiss it. Why? Because I don’t think of myself in that way. I do what I gotta. Most of the time anyway. The other thing is that I have been clouded in the self-worth department. Being single….not feeling particularly…wanted. And too, it’s always easier to not live up to a higher standard. It’s hard work to own all of that, all the time.

Yep….I do like that these men make demands of me. That they have expectations of me. Not in a subservient, condescending or patronizing manner. Why? Because they know I *can*. I chose to be with them because they treat me in a way befitting a strong woman. They have confidence in *me*. They don;t doubt me even if I do. It’s also a testament to my trust in their strength as men because I depend on them for this. As they do me. That’s pretty special.

I think I’m a lot less scared today about being put on what I perceived as a pedestal. Of being his hero. My interpretation…based in fear of disappointing……is baseless.

Maybe I’m being a bit arrogant thinking I don’t get cut the same slack as others because I *am* capable of all they see in me and that I’m worth their effort, honesty and trust with their feelings.

But I don’t think so.

I intend to be what it is they value. But not *for* them. Because it’s also what *I* value.