As in nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Absolutely totally neutral.

I thought  I might be able to dredge something up if I tried hard enough.

I got this e-mail on November 11th…

Thinking of you . Hope all is well.  B

You see, November 11th was the day we met.  At a birthday party of a mutual friend. We always celebrated that day in addition to our anniversary.

We haven’t communicated for two years.  Ever since the divorce papers were signed.  My 50th birthday.  Officially signed by the judge on 2 January.

And before that, only a handful of e-mail exchanges between us for the previous year.

We’ve spoken twice in the past three years.

November 11th 2005. We hadn’t been separated long….a few weeks.  We had a date.  You know, the day we met.  He called me in the late afternoon.  He couldn’t go.  He was too upset.  We didn’t speak for well over a year.

The next time….On the phone while I was in Hawaii on vacation the following December.  He called to tell me he had sent the papers to be signed and needed them back in a few days.  I told him he had to find a way to get them to Hawaii or he was out of luck.

Was talking to a friend about it the other day. Told him I felt…nothing.  Absolutely neutral.

Not as in I don’t care.  As in ambivalent.

It evoked no emotion whatsoever. None. Nada.

I always wondered what would happen. How I would feel.  If I was really done with it.

You know, sometimes you think you are.  Then WHAM, outta nowhere, something triggers a really strong emotional reaction that  knocks you back a few feet, and you spend days or even weeks wondering where the hell that came from.

I spent the last week thinking about it.  Trying to dredge something up out of the recesses of our 15 years together…

I got nothin’.  Absolutely totally neutral. There’s just nothing there.

I sent this back:  Hope all is well.

Polite. Neutral.