It’s rare when I don’t sleep soundly.  Little wakes me anymore.  Gone are the days of sleeping with one eye open listening for restless and sick babies and then driving teens making back home safely again.  Oh, occasionally I have an insomniac night but it’s been 40 years since I had a nightmare where I absolutely feared going back to sleep least I ‘slip’ again into the terror I just left….

I’m sure it was only a few minutes but it seems like hours of a 80’s style slasher movie playing in my head.  I woke terrified, heart pounding from feeling his hand wrenched from mine while we were walking to a party with longtime friends…watching in terror and screaming….trying to tell the others…having no words…having him (a different love this time) return bloodied and giving warning…we ran…hands linked and he morphed into another lover….only to be separated again…being chased in the streets…friends suddenly appearing…running with me…guiding me along the back alleys i and out of stragely appearing doors into nowhere….and having them fade into the night…gone…alone with he who was chasing me always behind me…always whispering in my ear..sobbing hysterically and covering my youngest child with my body when he was returned unharmed…the feet of a goat sliced clean from it’s body by an unseen machete…hiding in the house…trying to move the children calmly to another room when I knew ‘they’ were nearing…and finally turning back and looking at what I thought was a curtained window only to hear him tell me there was no escape and see her intense look….no escape…no hope of escape…I was doomed, terrified and shaking with adrenaline when I sat up in bed.

I got up, threw on my robe and went out on the lanai to smoke.  I had gone to bed about 9:30 and it was only a short 2 hours later.   Shit…I couldn’t call anyone to talk the fear and adrenaline down.  I surfed blogs,   finished a suduko puzzle and wondered what to do next.  I was still shaking an hour later.  I ended up laying back down, repeating calming words to banish the monsters under the bed.  To strip them of their power over me and find the Angel with her hand on my head…

Om namah shivaya

May i be peaceful
May i be free from discontent
May i be peaceful
May i walk the path of wisdom and compassion
May i be understanding
May i learn to listen
May i be open
May i respect all people and myself
May i be patient
May i be loving
May i practice loving kindness
May i be peaceful
May i be courageous
May my life be filled with joy
May i be at peace
May my heart remain open
May i awaken to the light of my own true nature
May i be healed
May i be peaceful
May i be a source of healing for all sentient beings that touch my life

I don’t know when I finally slept…but it was difficult to want to go to bed last night….I’m not sure it’s over.