Again I travel to the mainland in less than two weeks. To attend the wedding of a former love and a dear friend.  There’s no bittersweet here…just pure joy for him and his honey-both former coworkers.    Pure joy that  he found the peace within himself to open his heart and marry one more time.   There are only a few where that circle is truly complete in the union as it completes the circuit.

Neither know I’m coming.  *gigges*  It was so hard to talk around his questions of if I could make it a few weeks ago when I called to tell him how happy I was to hear the news.   I am excited to see them married.  It was a hard path at times for us both in our friendship.  He is only one of a very few who knows complete acceptance of another.  We grew together…both leaning on each other for support as we navigated our divorces, growing children, new relationships and increasing job challenges. We also grew in our parting when I moved to Hawaii.  A needed lesson on how to continue holding friends in ones heart despite distance.

The bittersweet here is that once again I stay with another dear friend.  One whose presence I cherish….yet again only for a short week, reminding me of what I feel in that presence, and what I miss when we are so far apart.  Even tho I know….it’s not to be.  That we can only BE present as lovers for a week. That we are so very far apart….and even if we were closer…likely would ruin something special.  We are not ready for each other.  We walk together…apart.

This weekend, I move in with a man I’ve known for a few years now.  Hosting me even for a short time in his very small apartment is more than generous.  We’re both very much about solitude even if we do enjoy the companionship.  More and more the past week as I pack…more and more I have fear of failing this.  Failing the friendship and destroying something that’s been pretty easy between us.  Fear of him seeing me as I really am….good bad and otherwise.  Fear of not being accepted.

I’ve taken this inward the past week.  Makes no difference…as a matter of fact, my un-sure grows.  Perhaps is only fueled by the act of packing my belongings for yet another lifestyle change.   Why I ever thought I could do this…I’m faltering in that decision.  Not that I won’t do it, mind you. But honestly…I really don’t think I can live with someone again.  I really don’t think I can do any kind of relationship on a day to day intimate level for very long…And with one bed…we can’t sleep in it without sleeping together.  While I could with my roomie.  I can’t with him.  Sex adds another dimension to the dynamic.  I guess when it comes down to it….I’m afraid of caring too much…of becoming attached.   That’s never. ever worked for me in the past. *sigh*