Sometimes I think that I tend to dismiss my feelings with the idea that I’m being selfish, or feeling some other emotion I’m not supposed to. But the truth of the matter is that dismissing it doesn’t solve a thing. I really need to acknowledge my humanity and then let it go.

Jealousy has been a continuing issue in my life. It’s not really been my issues with jealousy per se. Sure it rears it’s head from time to time. But it’s just not me. Never has been. So really, I don’t understand it well.

It still leaves me stunned and wondering why the hell anyone would be jealous of me.

Most of the women attached to my closest male friends just don’t like me. We’re what I would describe as “cool friendliness”, but I wouldn’t call it friendship.

Come on now, jealous of me? It’s not that I think that lowly of myself, I’m a pretty nice person. Actually I’m a really nice person. *laughs* But really, you are the one he calls partner or girlfriend. Not me. If that sounds like jealousy, so be it. But it’s not. It’s more of an annoyance. I’m a friend. A friend who would like to fuck your boyfriend or partner. A friend who fucked your boyfriend or partner in the past. A friend who still gets called for an opinion. A friend he can bitch to and know I won’t tell or judge. I’m a friend who is always willing to tip a few and go dancing. I’m a friend who is comfortable in the sexual tension of it and won’t push if the boundary is no. I might tease it a bit and enjoy it all the same. But darlin’, you are the one he lives with. You are the one he tends to when you are sick. You are the one he beds each night. Not me.

It took me a very long time to realize that whatever jealousy I felt was mine; but more importantly, their jealousy was not about me at all. Oh sure, it felt like it was directed at me. Plenty of times. But yanno, it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. It’s not my demon. It’s not my insecurity. It’s not me…

I’ve been asked a number of times – especially in the past two years – to change my behavior…my values…my wants….to accommodate someone based on their jealousy. Most times I have moderated that behavior and changed what I need for the “greater good”. Because I want to keep the friendship. That much is important to me. But it’s always been with reluctance. I’ve tried to see the value in it. Tried to be understanding and compassionate about their feelings. But it still bothers me that friendship and love has been limited buy such a destructive emotion. And that friends have to sneak about to have a drink or spend time together.

It really enforces for me the type of relationship I don’t want. And how strict monogamy just doesn’t fit for me when one person expresses such a strong desire to control another…

I don’t have any power over anyone else. Nor do I want it.

Well, we all want what we want. We all have our own ideas of right and wrong. We all live our lives according to those personal values and within those parameters. I can’t change it. I can’t change anyone else but me.

But some days, it makes me sad and it’s annoying all the same.