I’ve always had a strong social network despite my ability, my absolute ease at being alone with myself most of my life. Inside myself.

My roommate leaves for Korea in a few weeks. His girlfriend returns to Colorado.
A good thing…she is more about differences than sameness…he and she argue…unkind…uncomfortable.

Here and now, there are is only one to occasionally hang with, bounce ideas off of, whine at, laugh with, touch…time with him is limited.

My only other friend here, a touchstone of sorts…a strong spiritual connection…But communication of any kind is limited in words and guarded. No judgment in knowing we all choose what we need. No anger. Just and achy sadness.

Fucking random strangers is not enough. I want no part of the game to get there. But I want to/need to satisfy my hedonistic urges.

I spend time on the beach, leaving early and driving the hour to the other side of the island in the dark. As I sit and watch the sun rise I give gratitude and wonder if it’s half hearted some days. Rote. What’s missing?

It’s hard this time…to be so totally alone. Maybe I should get a dog and call it Toto.

The townhouse here is nice by the standards here. But sterile. I seem to require funk. There are all sorts of rules. I can’t packrat stuff he says. The float She (Mother Ocean) gave me last week on the beach will be sent to my Love. He frets over the two ferns I bought. They will attract the little sugar ants. I can’t hang the only picture I bought with me. An original colored pencil drawing…a present from a dear botanical artist friend…from a time…from a previous life…the focus of my work those first few years…a rare plant in SE Colorado…one of my favorites.

I took some time today…a break from resumes and internet job applications…dyed my hair…the gray was really showing under the blonde…it’s now the color of a copper penny…not shiny…dull…like me. Flat…lifeless…

I talked to my muse, my Love, the other night…crying…alone…confused…lost.

He’s right. I need to stay in motion. Or rather, create the motion that will carry me thru and over…to ease the homesickness…impending depression. To provide money to live…to get where I need to…I’ve committed a year here…

He’s right. I’ve little to no practical experience being alone…without family, without friends. I’m the stranger here. A child learning. Where is the auto parts store please? I can’t seem to find it. Do the car washes have vacuums or shampooers? Where is a car wash?

I want it to be easy. It needs to be easy.

I sat on the lanai and blew bubbles to the wind…and tried to believe…

Just BElieve…Make it Easy

It’s so easy to give advise to others isn’t it? I do it all the time…

I’m the one who is missing. MIA…