Inside the doors are sealed to love
Inside my heart is sleeping
Inside the fingers of my glove
Inside the bones of my right hand
Inside it’s colder than the stars
Inside the dogs are weeping
Inside the circus of the wind
Inside the clocks are filled with sand
Inside she’ll never hurt me
Inside the winter’s creeping
Inside the compass of the night
Inside the folding of the land

Outside the stars are turning
Outside the world’s still burning

I feel myself closing down again. Do I have to protect myself all the time? Who or what will wake me? Or is it a power only I have? And be willing to unleash?
It is always and has always, been my choice. I have the power.  I’ve always  had the power here.  It is I who is afraid to use it.  Because most of the time I cannot use it to my advantage.  I unleash it..

Inside my head’s a box of stars I never dared to open
Inside the wounded hide their scars, inside this lonesome sparrow’s fall
Inside the songs of our defeat, they sing of treaties broken
Inside this army’s in retreat, we hide beneath the thunder’s call

I honestly don’t believe I’ve ever truly been “In Love”. When it comes right down to it, I think I’ve tried very hard to convince myself and act accordingly. As if I was. I formed the past 30 years of my life on an illusion. On infatuation and lust.

This is a change for me. I know being “in Love”.  I also now know unconditional Love.

Outside the rain keeps falling
Outside the drums are calling
Outside the flood won’t wait
Outside they’re hammering down the gate

Can I fully participate this time? Can I ever participate again?

It seems that I miss the mark.  Miss the signals.  Not my time. Muse  says yes.  I don’t “feel” yes in me.

Love is the child of an endless war
Love is an open wound still raw
Love is a shameless banner unfurled
Love’s an explosion,
Love is the fire of the world
Love is a violent star
A tide of destruction
Love is an angry scar
A violation, a mutilation, capitulation, love is annihilation.

Then violate me, mutilate me, annihiltate me. I want to finally surrender. Is it time?
Who can handle the explosion, the fire inside my heart? Can I?

No I cannot if I don’t take the risk.

Outside the walls are shaking
Inside the dogs are waking
Outside the hurricane won’t wait
Inside they’re howling down the gate

Will I fully participate this time? Will I choose to? Is it really my choice after all this time?

I have tried.  Still, it is not only my choice.  IN this sense, there must be participants.

I climb this tower inside my head
A spiral stair above my bed
I dream the stairs don’t ask me why,
I throw myself into the sky

I live in my head. Closed to most others. Is this the price of solitude? Is solitude my only defense? Something I’ve finely crafted over years of somehow knowing that “In love” was never mine? And against dreams not coming true? I hesitate to make the leap. Teetering on the edge. I need to. How? Is it an act of faith?

Yes, I’ve made solitude my defense.  My impenetrable wall.  My constant and faithful companion.

Love me like a baby, love me like an only child
Love me like an ocean; love me like a mother mild
Love me like a father, love me like a prodigal son
Love me like a sister, love me like the world has just begun
Love me like a prodigy, love me like an idiot boy,
Love me like an innocent, love me like your favorite toy
Love me like a virgin, love me like a courtesan,
Love me like a sinner, love me like a dying man.
Annihilate me, infiltrate me, incinerate me, accelerate me, mutilate me, inundate me, violate me, implicate me, vindicate me, devastate me
Love me like a parasite, love me like a dying sun
Love me like a criminal, love me like a man on the run
Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me, demarcate me, educate me, punctuate me, evaluate me, conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliate me, segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me

I sit. Knees bent, head touching on the floor. Eyes closed. I still see the fire of the world around me. Within me. But not for me..

This has not changed for me. Not now.

lyrics: Inside, Sting

Notes to self: Originally published 11 April 2006

Play it forward to the present

for re-examination.

Has this changed?

Have you changed?

If so, how?

If not, why?

Italic notes from 2 May 2010…