I’m clearer now and my thoughts from yesterday are more organized on a conversation about jealousy, possessiveness, independence, privacy, solitude, commitment, and where I’m at…

I can’t and won’t sell myself to anyone. It’s why I have so much trouble on these type dating sites.

What ultimately breaks every one of my LTRs and every romantic interest is my independence and my need for solitude. Every man I’ve been with interprets both as not wanting, needing or caring for him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Every man I’ve been with professed to want a woman who can make a decision, think independently, has an opinion, different interests, expresses her wants and desires, who has high physical energy/needs, is sexy, strong, romantic, and alive.

Load of crap…High physical needs involving lots of touching, cuddling and kissing are interpreted as clingy. Expressing needs/wants and desires is bitchy and demanding. Differing philosophy and ideas is opinionated. Not caving in to obligations is stubborn. Romantic and sentimental is weak. Being alive, having feelings is overly sensitive.

What each really wanted was someone to follow them around doe-eyed, tongue hanging out, drooling, waiting for them to make a decision, accepting that decision without question, never voicing an opinion that differs from theirs, and taking care of them without regard to my needs, my wants, my desire.

That’s not me. It never has been…

We all meet people in our lives who affect us deeply. Loving others in any form does not detract from any intimate relationship. It enhances it.

It is OK to do things apart from one another. I do not always want company or companionship. I like being alone. I need to be alone at times. My sketchbooks are private.

I like that women find a man I am with sexy. They are. I like it when men find me sexy. I am.

It is about accommodation and balance. Sometimes it all flows one way and sometimes all flows the other way.

I am a whole person. I want to be with a whole person, not someone dependent on others. Live life with me in whatever form that takes, but not for me. I have no intention of living my life for you.

The only commitment I want is for you to live life and love doing it. Life is too short to do otherwise.

I say what I mean and mean what I say.

No one else can take care of me except me.

I am not scared of living or loving. Or the pain and joy it brings. I’ve learned to stitch my heart up by myself. Again and again…

I believe in energy which passes between two people when they are together. For me? With you, right now? That energy is smooth, easy, comfortable, balanced, not pulling, not pushing, pulsing, feels good, we each have something to teach and something to learn. I want to experience it and explore it.

I have fears, insecurities, wants, desires, needs, strengths and failings…As do you. To be human is to embrace them all, to live and grow.

So when I tell you I miss you, it means I enjoy your company.

When I tell you I want to get to know you better, it means I find you interesting.

When I tell you I’d like to see more of you, I already know it could an imposition on your time. And that “no” is an acceptable answer.

When I tell you I care, it means I consider you a friend and I value you as another human.

If I say, “I Love You”, it means you have enriched my life. You have touched my heart.

Nothing more. Nothing expected in return.

Please do not script me into something I am not. Or project that script on to me solely from your past experiences. The script becomes an expectation. The projection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I do not want anyone else’s heart and soul. I have my own.

Note to self May 2009:  Gene, you continually touch my heart in so many ways and showed me what unconditional Love really is about.  Thank you teacher, keeper of my secrets, lover, friend in my heart, ex-roomie, brother, outstanding man, seeker, best friend, teller of jokes, partner in crime, confidant, drinker of dark beers, sharerer of petron, dancing partner, Waimanalo companion,  holder of my hand thru the darkness, keeper of the light, and beautiful human with a big heart.  You have my Love, Respect and my Heart forever and always.  *kisses you tenderly as salty water spills from my eyes as the silly girl I am*

Love and Light my friend.  May you know the Bliss in Silence where ever you go.  I do because of you.  And you know as I know, sooner or later we meet again. It’s all good. *soft smile*

Note to self Dec 2012: It’s been almost 7 years since that Thursday evening in late January, 2006.
This I know with certainty; we have always been and will always be, together.